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Welcome to the Course!

Books you have been asked to purchase:

Books mentioned but you are not asked to purchase: (they are mentioned for proper citation and copyright for educational purposes).

You will also want a notebook or something to keep notes in as you make personal goals. Goals should be personal, observable, and measurable.

We also want to challenge you in this journal you are starting for class to begin a daily gratitude journal.

Class Document including study guide and questions


8p Eastern time for the ladies and runs for 1.5 hrs.  Zoom link will be sent by Stephanie.

9p Eastern time for the men and runs for 1 hour.  Zoom link for each session will be sent the day before.  Each time will be different.  If you don't have a link by noon on the day of, email dan.

The ‘Why’:

If you have been listening to our podcast recently, you have heard that we are huge fans and believers in the LifeModel. As you may know or have experienced, very few things in the Christian marketplace for self-help or marriage apply to marriage for NeuroDiverse Christian Couples.  While the books we have chosen, do not mention autism or neurodiversity they do mention neuroscience and brain circuitry and due to Dr. Holmes’ research on the AS/ND brain was able to put together information from Wilder’s work and (with permission) we have these courses for you.

Thanks for the Feedback as well as Difficult Conversations were introduced to me (Dr. Holmes) when I was working on my Master’s Certification in Communication and Conflict Resolution.

When I went back for my doctorate, I wanted to focus on communication because this is the number 1 that leads to so many problems in our own lives and couples we work with. The wife may say, “we lack connection” but what is the basis of connection? Communication!

Thanks for the Feedback: Many studies for many years focused on how to give feedback in a way that it can be better received. However, no matter how wonderfully or well-intentioned you give feedback, there are many things going on for the receiver! This book is to help YOU manage your triggers and reactions to feedback to be a better receiver of feedback. Feedback is the most basic skill needed for relationships, receiving coaching/counseling, and the workplace. You will examine whether you have a fixed or growth mindset and your own triggers that get in the way of feedback. After this course we suggest you get the companion book, Thank God for the Feedback which may need a coach or counselor to help you work through.

Relational Skills in the Bible: No matter what your neurotype is, there is no exclusion clause for not growing and becoming more Christ-like. For all believers, we are commanded (not suggested) to Love God with all our heart, soul and mind AND love others sacrificially as Christ as loved us. What good is our faith/religion if we are not being transformed in the likeness of Christ and those in our inner circle should be recipients of that love and Christ-like behavior.

While our neurotypes can make learning some of these skills difficult; there is not an exclusion clause for learning to demonstrate the fruits of the Spirit in your life, build joy in your life, create appreciation, mature in your personal walk (not head knowledge) with Christ, and learn how to remain Christ-like and emotional when you have “the big 6” of negative emotions. Chapter 14 teaches us to stop the “sarx” or seeing life only from our perspective or point of view.

There will be quotes from other works by the same authors brought in for discussion and learning application.



As you read the feedback book, you are asked to write down per chapter a goal that applies to YOU not your spouse or marriage for discussion in class.

To prepare for discussion, write down 3-4 summary sentences of the chapter, a new insight or poignant piece of information and personal action goal that may start like this:

Ex. In chapter 1, I learned about the triggers and that I am most triggered by identity triggers especially any feedback about being a spouse or parent.

By the end of the book, you will have 12-13 goals for yourself with action points to consider for your contribution to the feedback cycle you are currently in. While Nd marriage issues are rarely 50-50, they are never 100-0 on contribution to the cycle. Even if your contribution in your mind is 1-2%, how will you minimize your impact and contribute in a more positive way to better communication.

The relational skills will address 19 skills in the Bible and help you assess where you and your marriage is weak in these areas. Depending on if you are in crises or growth mode, we will recommend various exercises with that in mind.

You are going to hear the word Joy so much; you will probably be sick of it. We will discuss the difference between joy and happiness and how truly the Joy of the Lord (even in awful circumstances) is the source of our strength for resilience, endurance, and change.

The key steps of our methods are:

Education, Equipping, Effective Strategies and Endurance

We offer no outcome promises except that if you are willing to come to the course ready to focus on becoming more Christ-like and growth minded, this is a safe space to grow and ask questions. The rest is on you.


Exhortation and Encouragement:

The encouragement, based on neuroscience is brain chemistry and wiring can change. You can build joy and break fear bonds and learn new communication strategies. You can become a more Christ-like you no matter what the status of your marriage is or what the outcome for your marriage may be.

However, taking a course and reading a book do not change outcomes. Personal work means you are willing to do more than read the material, chat about the book and show up for class. This is all left-brained and logical. Logic and new learning do not change people or circumstances. It is taking the knowledge and turning it into practical application consistently that changes outcomes and relationships.  Will this be hard? YES! Will this take time? Yes! Will this be uncomfortable? Yes! Will you make mistakes at first trying new things? Yes! Will some of the exercises feel weird and silly at first? Yes! But what is the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. To get new results, you must be willing to try new things. So why not things that are proven to be helpful by neuroscience AND apply biblical knowledge and principles?


Homework/Prepping for Class:

Each week come to the site to see what videos, podcasts and chapters are needed to prepare for the course this week.

You can expect chapters in each book, a teaching course from Holmes & Homes, a podcast or YouTube.

You will have questions outlined that will be discussed in your group for men and women, the course outline and homework are the same. The discussion time is what you make of it! Many have asked for discussion questions ahead of time to formulate their questions and answers in class. Group identity and group accountability are KEY to change and spiritual formation. Showing up as passive observer has rarely helped anyone achieve change only knowledge. Until applied new information remains knowledge; application and practice change that knowledge into wisdom.

Homework assigned per session is to be read or completed BEFORE that session.

Orientation Jan 2 2024

Please watch the LifeModel video which is the foundation of Wilder and Coursey’s work.

This is a 16-minute video about LifeModel Works.

Session 1 Jan 16th


Thanks for the Feeback (FB): Introduction and Chapter 1

Relational Skills in the Bible (RS): Introduction and pages 159-161 brief introduction to the 19 skills


Podcast: Are you in your right mind?

Video by Heen:

Context: In a longer video she gives an example of being on an airplane and the middle seat person leans over and adjusts the window shade and she asks what reactions may be triggered and why? While this is a silly example it is about looking at yourself and what gets tripped up for you. You may think status has nothing to do with marriage but if you have been taught headship means final authority and entitlement, then status will be a trigger for you.

Session 2 Feb 6


FB: Chapters 2 & 3

RS: Lesson 1

YouTube: Get past the context of business, and hear the message that feedback and receiving feedback is about growth and change by author:   You are as receiver are responsible for how you receive feedback:

Empathy and Sympathy by Brene Brown:


Podcast: Communication is Key to Connection

Session 3 Feb 20


FB: Chapters 4 & 5

RS: Lesson 2

Podcast: Sheila Heen

Again, while the context of the book is business oriented, the purpose of the podcast is for you how to be a better feedback receiver? Pardon the occasional use of the word ‘hell.’

Double Empathy Problem

Session 5 March 19


FB: Chapter 7

RS: Lessons 5 and 6

Wilder Podcast: Changing Fear Bonds to Love Bonds

If you prefer a video- same information on YT

Session 6  April 2


FB: Chapter  8 & 9

RS: Lessons 7 & 8


On Jan 1, 2024 the podcast for Immunity to Change

What are your blockers for change?

Session 8 May 7


FB: Chapter 12; Skim 13

RS: Lessons 11 & 12

Podcast Our Interview with Coursey, author of book

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