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Understanding my NT Wife’s Style of Communication: Part 2

By Dr. Stephanie Holmes


Inquiry vs Inquisition?

The Art of Communication: How Women Navigate Conversations Through Questions and Verbal Processing


This blog idea comes from interactions I have observed and experienced. The wife says, “I ask him a question for more information to engage in conversation and he attacks me?” The husband says, “She is constantly putting me on the hot seat” or “Interactions with my wife feels like a great inquisition.” So this is part 2 of better understanding the wife in the ND relationship.


Communication is a multifaceted skill, and understanding its nuances can greatly enhance our interactions with others. When it comes to how women communicate, one prevalent approach involves asking questions and engaging in verbal processing. In this blog post, I'll delve into the dynamics of this communication style, exploring why women often rely on questions and verbal processing, and how this can shape the way we connect and engage in conversation.

  1. The Power of Questions

I remember in English class or when I worked at the college newspaper, being told asking the right or a good question is key to getting the information needed or is key to telling a story. Women frequently use questions as a tool for gathering information, expressing interest, and fostering deeper connections. Asking questions demonstrates curiosity and engagement, signaling a genuine desire to understand and connect with the other person. Whether it's asking about someone's day, their thoughts on a particular topic, or their feelings about a situation, questions invite dialogue and create opportunities for meaningful exchange. Use of questions is a form of curiosity and inquiry not inquisition.

  1. Verbal Processing

Verbal processing means thinking out loud and articulating thoughts and emotions verbally or through speech. For many women, verbal processing serves as a way to make sense of their experiences, process emotions and seek clarity in their thoughts. By verbalizing their thoughts and feelings women gain insights, explore different perspectives and find resiliation to internal conflicts. Unless they ask you to help them resolve a conflict or solve a problem, do not attempt to offer a solution. Instead, asking curious questions to stay engaged in the conversation but offer a solution or being frustrated  because they will not allow you to solve the problem is frustrating and dismissive.

  1. Seeking Validation and Support

In addition to gathering information and processing thoughts, women often use questions as a means of seeking validation and support. By asking for input or feedback, women can feel reassured in their decisions, validated in their feelings, and supported in their experiences. This collaborative approach to communication fosters a sense of connection and mutual understanding within relationships. In general many, not all, women seek a collaborative approach to communication versus solutions and prescriptions.

  1. Building Rapport and Connection

Communication is the number one way many women are seeking connection with you!Asking questions and engaging in verbal processing not only facilitates communication but also strengthens interpersonal bonds. By actively listening and responding thoughtfully to each other's questions and reflections, individuals can deepen their connection and build rapport. This empathetic exchange of thoughts and feelings cultivates a sense of trust and intimacy in relationships. This is far different than uploading or downloading facts or making verbal transactions to get things done; while that style of communication is needed as well, know which type of communication is being sought. If you are unsure, ask. Are you looking for my help or support right now?

  1. Practice Validation and Understanding


Effective communication is a two-way street that requires active listening and genuine engagement. When engaging in conversations with women who use questions and verbal processing, practice active listening by attentively following their train of thought, offering thoughtful responses, and validating their feelings and experiences.

The use of questions and verbal processing is a common communication style among women, characterized by curiosity, introspection, and a desire for connection. By understanding and embracing this communication approach, we can cultivate deeper connections, foster mutual understanding, and enhance the quality of our relationships. Remember, communication is not just about conveying information—it's about building bridges and forging meaningful connections. That may not be the same reason, you and the ND spouse may communicate but  as she is learning ways to better understand you; understanding is a two-way street.


More tips ahead in our new book coming this fall!

Uniquely US!

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