Beauty from the Rapids

Ginny Smith

Part 2

As we changed course the beginning of 2024 to learn this entire new language, this would end up being the longest stretch of incredibly rough waters that would leave us feeling depleted. Tommy’s stress rose to an all time high that would ultimately take him out of the game of life for 3 months and later into the hospital.  In my learning and finding answers things were making sense, however my frustration grew because yet again Tommy was no longer rowing.  Months later I would learn the term “Burn Out” As angry as I was, I knew I was going to have to paddle through this alone. Something I was all too well familiar with. 

It was in early spring as I sat outside one morning through my tears, my head hanging low and my arms outstretched I cried out to God again saying “ I know you have been with me, I know you have been carrying me, but right now God in this moment I need a sign that we will be ok. I looked up and about 50 feet in front of me was a turkey, yes a turkey! I sat and watched in awe mesmerized by the beauty that was placed in front of me. A blanket of peace covered me and in a matter of about 5 minutes the turkey simply walks off.  

Isaiah 41:10 “fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” 

My time with God was becoming valuable to me although I still had much growth to do. Worship music had become my go to; my center. Needing the constant reminder of Gods faithfulness and our purpose was imperative. I was doing everything I could to keep the enemy out. God started to reveal things to me and put people on my path for healing, something I am so grateful for. By August God had led me to a coach to walk along side me, to help make sense of my mess, and my pain.  This is something I encourage every woman and man to do. Find your support, use it often and lean into the Lord. Through the help of her in recognizing my grief than turned to anger, I then could start to heal, one stroke of the paddle at a time. August was met with Tommy also seeking help from a coach that has walked in his shoes.  For the first time he felt seen and understood. The next 4 months of coaching brought an array of emotions from me and “I’m not sure what I am to do with all this” from Tommy. With this new found support, moments of hope would surface, enough to keep my faith strong and moving forward.

Psalm 31:24 Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you wait for the Lord.

 I (Ginny) still paddling trying to keep us on course was met with another round of crashing waves in December. Another lie told. Without question, it was time for me (Ginny) to get out of the raft. I was tired, my health declining and I did not like who I was becoming. With the continued support of our coaches I opted for an in house separation. Tommy was upset that we had gotten to that place because of his choices. The shame hole ran deep within him.   I knew we needed this separation to save our marriage.  So I told him “I am not doing this TO you but WE need to do this FOR us”.  Tommy needed to see he could find his own strength and find his relationship with God. So getting in our own rafts was needed to find clarity. He could row the way he wanted and I could row the way I wanted.

As we rounded the bend into 2025 we came upon another fork.  This time I went one way and Tommy went the other. Divided by walls of rock that went on for months, our only option now was complete submission to God seeking Him in all things and to fully give of ourselves and each other to Him.  As I continued working with my coach, I also found rowing with only God guiding me, I was handling the choppy waters with a faith and peace that was strong. In the calm waters I was starting to see my reflection again.  My confidence was growing in finding myself. I was learning who I was in Christ. Learning more about autism and ADHD began to run deep as I wanted to know how best I could support Tommy. My heart’s desire to encourage, inspire and to walk along side other woman in ND marriages became a passion and hearing through Gods’ whispers this would also become my purpose. In time this would also become our purpose together.  My relationship with God was deepening and my health was becoming optimal again.

Tommy continued his weekly sessions with his coach and additional therapy. His waters were choppy for while. Getting hung up on the rocks was frustrating him, as he was uncertain what to do at first. Trying to go at it alone, he later figured out rowing on one side would get him nowhere. So he started leaning into Gods word a little more, than began rowing from both sides. Left side, right side, left side, right side.  For each stroke shame and forgiveness was being washed away.  The more he started seeking a relationship with God the easier his rowing became. He soon learned that God had been waiting on him. As calm waters began to surround him, he then started to calm himself. As he rounded the bend at 90 days he had developed a confidence and peace that he wanted to continue to grow, so he opted to stay this course for another 180 days.

As our own paths merged back together at the end of the fork we continued to paddle at our own pace. For the first time, we saw each other through a neurodiverse lens.  We were also seeing each other through the lens of Christ. We had found our own rhythm. We had found healing. Slowly we were finding happiness and what would work for us. We were learning that even though we might not be side by side at all times we were both still paddling forward for God’s purpose. As weeks turned into months, navigating the rapids became easier. We noticed we were able to hear each other more over the noise. As our relationship deepened with God our faith was becoming stronger.  Tommy was also noticing the beauty around him a little more. 

So when the rough waters come again, and they will, we know through faith we don’t have to worry.  Sometimes I still have to paddle by myself, but instead of it being something I have to do; I look at it as something I get to do for God and Tommy. God knows our story.  He also knows I can endure it so I can help bring Tommy closer to Him. God’s not finished with us yet. He has never failed us and He will continue to come through again and again.

John 16:33 I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace, In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.