The Hidden Wounds of Betrayal Trauma: When Love Meets Sexual Secrets
- Dan Holmes
- Aug 7, 2025
- 3 min read
Author: Dr. Stephanie C. Holmes
Introduction: Betrayal trauma is a term often associated with the devastating emotional and psychological impact that occurs when someone we deeply trust violates that trust in intimate, personal ways. While betrayal can stem from many sources, one of the most insidious and misunderstood forms is when it arises from a partner's secret engagement in sexually compulsive or deviant behaviors, such as pornography addiction (with or without masturbation), frequenting strip clubs, massage parlors offering "happy endings," or involvement in paraphilic activities.
Understanding Betrayal Trauma Coined by psychologist Jennifer Freyd, betrayal trauma originally referred to childhood abuse by caregivers. However, the concept has since expanded and is now widely applied to intimate partner relationships. When someone discovers that their partner has been living a double life involving secret sexual behaviors, the betrayal cuts deep. The person who was supposed to be a source of safety and love has become a source of danger and deception.
How These Behaviors Escalate Sexual compulsivity and paraphilic behaviors often begin subtly. A partner may start with casual porn use, rationalized as normal. Over time, this can escalate to more extreme content, secretive behaviors, and risky real-life encounters. Strip clubs and illicit massage parlors become outlets for fantasy, power, and escape. But behind the scenes, these behaviors often spiral out of control, taking a toll on both the individual and the relationship. Dr. Jim Wilder in Growing a More Human Community speaks to how our maturity process will be determined on how we view or use/abuse power, resources and beauty.
The Impact on the Betrayed Partner For the betrayed partner, the discovery is often earth-shattering. The pain is not just about the sexual acts themselves but the lying, secrecy, and emotional disconnection that accompany them.This is compounded MORE when the one who has betrayed has lied or deceived and then been defensive about any inquiry about the behavior. When the cycle is on-going in a binge/purge cycle this is further traumatizing to the other spouse as they never know when the “binge” cycle will happen again. This trauma can mirror the symptoms of PTSD:
Intrusive thoughts and flashbacks
Emotional numbness
Anxiety and hypervigilance
Depression and loss of self-worth
Obsessive rumination over details and timelines
Research indicates that partners of individuals with compulsive porn or sexual behaviors experience similar psychological symptoms to those who have survived major traumas or adultery outright. The emotional violation shatters their sense of reality, safety, and identity within the relationship.
Emotional and Relational Fallout The fallout affects every layer of intimacy:
Emotional Intimacy: The betrayed partner often feels emotionally abandoned, gaslighted, or invalidated.
Sexual Intimacy: Sexual connection becomes painful or confusing, often laced with images and fears linked to the betrayal.
Relational Trust: The foundation of trust is obliterated, making it difficult to rebuild any sense of partnership or security.
Healing Is Possible. Healing from betrayal trauma is not linear. It involves recognizing the trauma, allowing space for grief, seeking trauma-informed therapy, and potentially establishing boundaries or even separation. Support groups, therapeutic modalities like EMDR, and specialized counseling for both partners can be vital. The betrayer must also take full accountability, commit to recovery, and make transparency a cornerstone of change.
Betrayal Trauma and NeuroDiversity: The month of August will cover this subject and the blogs this month devoted to why there is a cross over between neurodiversity and porn or sex use, abuse and addiction.
Conclusion: Betrayal trauma caused by a partner's secret porn or sexual behaviors is a deep, often invisible wound. While society may minimize or normalize behaviors like porn use or strip club visits, for many, these actions represent profound violations of trust and intimacy. By acknowledging the real psychological damage inflicted and offering compassion and resources for healing, we can better support those navigating the complex, painful journey of betrayal trauma.
Our Podcast with Shawna Meeks and Other Links Give a Description of Betrayal Trauma and NeuroDiverse Marriages