That’s Just a Man Thing, ALL Men do that! Some thoughts on Male and Female Relating Styles and ND vs NT “Male” Relating Styles
- echodorr5
- 3 days ago
- 12 min read
Author: Dr. Stephanie C. Holmes, Certified Autism Specialist
Reader/Listener’s Question: Is it an NT/ND thing or a male/female thing? All the men in my church's men’s group have the same struggle joining the emotional bandwagon, and they aren’t all ND. So how do you distinguish the difference between typical male/female thinking and NT/ND thinking?”
Common Refrain: Stephanie, when I tell my [counselor, pastor, friend, group, pastor’s wife…] about my marriage, I feel like I am going crazy. A common answer is, “Oh, honey, my husband does that too, or that is just a male thing.”
Pardon the length of today’s blog. I asked ChatGPT to help me shorten it as much as possible because I had a lot of thoughts, but today’s blog is hopefully helpful in sharing some of those differences. Obviously, this cannot speak to every situation, but the focus is more on the differences of ND vs NT male relating styles and why a marriage to an ND male is quite different than to an NT male (all things considered). ChatGPT suggested that if ND or NT males are reading this, perhaps some charts and bullet points would keep points short and succinct for both populations :)
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Setting the Stage: Gendered Brain vs. Neurotype
Let’s explore this carefully, because these two realities, gender differences and neurological differences, can overlap in some areas but have distinct roots, causes, and relational implications.
First, it’s important to acknowledge that male and female brains show general tendencies, not absolutes. Cultural norms, upbringing, and personal experience shape expression, but research does indicate some consistent cognitive and emotional differences:
General Pattern | Tendency Seen More Often In | Description |
Empathy and Emotional Processing | Females | Greater activation in mirror neuron systems and limbic areas; often more attuned to nonverbal cues and emotional context. |
Systemizing vs. Empathizing | Males | Tendency to understand the world through systems, rules, and problem-solving rather than relational cues. |
Communication Style | Females | Often prioritize connection and emotional sharing (“rapport talk”). |
Communication Style | Males | Often prioritize information exchange and solutions (“report talk”). |
These are averages, not rules. Many men are highly empathetic and relational, and many women are more analytical or system-oriented. But when these natural tendencies meet the neurological profile of autism, the contrast can become more pronounced.
The Core of Autism: Criteria and Characteristics
Let’s bring in the DSM-5-TR criteria for Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), simplified for relational context. ASD is characterized by:
Persistent deficits in social communication and social interaction, such as:
Difficulty with back-and-forth conversation or sharing emotions reciprocally.
Challenges reading nonverbal cues (eye contact, tone, facial expression).
Difficulty understanding social norms or “unspoken rules.”
Restricted or repetitive patterns of behavior, interests, or activities, including but not limited to:
Rigid routines or resistance to change/cognitive inflexibility.
Intense focus on specific topics or interests.
Differences in sensory processing either heightened or lowered sensitivity. [Dr. Stephanie reminds readers that there is far more research on the sensory profiles since the DSM-5, and more to say on interoception and proprioception which there is a podcast from December 2025 on this topic.]
Symptoms present in early development, though they may become more apparent in adult relationships when emotional reciprocity and flexibility are expected.
So while a neurotypical man might struggle to “join the emotional bandwagon” or freely be able to share or name emotions because he’s socialized to stay calm and logical, an autistic man may neurologically process emotional input differently. He’s not avoiding emotion; he’s experiencing, interpreting, and integrating it through a distinct neurological lens. This is obviously something that could not be seen by the observer.
Where the Two Overlap: The Emotional Bandwagon (Attunement)
Let’s use the phrase, “joining the emotional bandwagon.” In social terms, this means matching another person’s emotional state or attunement or sharing their enthusiasm, empathy, or sadness. Most neurotypical women often do this naturally; it’s part of emotional attunement and relational bonding. Neurotypical men, meanwhile, may hesitate to jump in emotionally because they’re taught to value control, logic, or stoicism.
But here’s where it gets interesting:
Scenario | NT Male Response | ND Male (ASD) Response |
Wife shares emotional story and cries | He listens quietly, unsure what to say or afraid of saying the wrong thing. He feels empathy but expresses it through problem-solving or silence. | He may not immediately recognize the emotional cue or understand its expected response. The emotion itself may feel overwhelming or confusing. Her emotion may overwhelm him emotionally, causing a fight/flight/freeze/fawn response. |
Group expresses excitement or sadness | He stays more reserved, thinking, “I don’t need to show all that emotion.” | He may miss the social cue that emotion-sharing is part of connection and feel out of sync or unsure what’s expected. |
Partner says, “I just need you to feel with me.” | He tries to fix or rationalize the problem instead of joining emotionally. | He may literally not know what “feel with me” means or may need guidance on how to show empathy behaviorally. |
In both cases, the outward behavior might look the same: quiet, reserved, or seemingly detached, but the reason and internal processing differ. For NT men, it’s often socialization. For ND men, it’s socialization and neurology.
Distinguishing Factors: Intent, Awareness, and Regulation
Here are three major indicators that help distinguish neurotypical male behavior from neurodivergent (ASD) behavior in relationships.
Intent and Awareness
NT males usually know what’s expected emotionally but might feel uncomfortable doing it (“I know she wants me to cry with her, but that feels unnatural”).
ND males often don’t realize what’s expected until it’s explicitly stated (“I didn’t know that was what you wanted; I thought you wanted me to fix it”).
The difference is awareness versus capacity. NT men might suppress emotional expression; ND men might not recognize the social-emotional cue at all.
Emotional Regulation
NT males can usually label emotions but may underexpress them.
ND males may experience emotions as too intense or too vague. Emotional flooding (shutdown) or hyperfocus (rumination) are common. Because of challenges with interoception, they may feel disembodied from emotions or struggle to articulate them i the moment (alexithymia).
Flexibility and Context
NT males can often adjust their responses in different settings (church vs. work vs. home).
ND males may struggle with context-shifting. If they learn one response (“When she’s upset, I hug her”), they may apply it rigidly, even when it’s not the right moment. A key distinguishing feature is context or social blindness.
Emotional Empathy vs. Cognitive Empathy
A big piece of the puzzle lies in understanding two main types of empathy:
Emotional empathy = feeling what the other person feels or feeling with (attunement).
Cognitive empathy = understanding what the other person feels or being able to see that the person needs some sort of support or empathy.
Autistic individuals do feel things deeply. Perhaps so deeply the emotion of another may overwhelm, or the confusion of what to do can be overwhelming. They may lean stronger into the cognitive empathy and try to complete a task or something to “help,” or shut down or feel the need to escape. When partners misunderstand this, both can feel unseen:
The ND husband might think, “I do care: why does she think I don’t? She didn’t ask me to do anything or fix it.”
The NT wife might think, “He doesn’t care: he’s not showing emotion. Why is he taking out the trash or tinkering on the car?”
The Role of Social Motivation and Theory of Mind
Two other core concepts in ASD research help clarify this difference:
Social Motivation Theory
Neurotypical individuals tend to be more naturally motivated by social connection. Social interaction itself is rewarding. Autistic individuals may not find social interaction inherently rewarding; it can feel confusing, exhausting, or unpredictable, even if they are more extroverted or appear more social. The social interactions are far more taxing on the autistic individual...
That doesn’t mean they don’t want connection; it means connection requires conscious effort and structure.
Theory of Mind/Mindfulness
This refers to the ability to understand that others have thoughts, feelings, and perspectives different from your own. Neurotypical men may overlook emotional nuances, but they generally grasp that someone else’s viewpoint differs from theirs. Autistic men may not intuitively realize that others perceive or feel differently unless told directly. They often rely on learned scripts or explicit instruction to interpret those cues. Because of self-referencing, autistic men tend to rely on their own perspective or view to analyze social situations.
The Masking Factor
Many ND men (especially those diagnosed later in life) learn to “act neurotypical” in professional or social settings. They mimic expected behaviors such as eye contact, polite laughter, and emotional responses, but it’s a learned skill, not instinctive. After masking all day, emotional capacity can be depleted at home, leading to what some call autistic burnout. That’s often when the spouse sees withdrawal or shutdown, misinterpreted as disinterest or lack of care. The autism community has adapted the spoon theory to explain more of this
What This Means for Neurodiverse Marriages
When I coach neurodiverse couples, I often see this pattern:
The NT partner (often but not always female) feels emotionally disconnected or unseen.
The ND partner (often but not always male) feels constantly “wrong,” criticized, or confused by emotional expectations. Nothing I do is ever right! Am I not ever going to be good enough?
Here’s how I frame it:
“Your partner’s brain may not naturally synchronize emotional signals the way yours does, but with awareness and practice, he can learn the patterns that help you feel seen. And you can learn that his care often shows up in action, logic, or faithfulness rather than emotional mirroring.”
Some attuning may improve, but that truly intuitive connection may not occur in the neurodiverse marriage.
Summary Table: Male vs. ND Male Differences
Domain | Typical Male Traits (Socialization) | ND Male Traits (Neurology) |
Awareness of social-emotional cues | Aware but may ignore or underexpress | Often unaware or misinterprets cues |
Motivation to connect | High, but through activity or service | High, but requires explicit structure |
Emotional regulation | Suppresses emotion to stay “strong” | May experience emotional overload or shutdown |
Flexibility | Can adjust with effort | May need explicit instruction or repetition |
Relational goal | Harmony through solving problems | Harmony through predictability and understanding expectations |
Faith, Gender, and Neurodiversity
In Christian communities, men often receive an added layer of mixed messages. The church may teach men to be “servant leaders,” yet culturally, many men are raised to be stoic and unemotional. For neurodivergent men, that message compounds confusion. Both types of men may also have been taught certain emotions are “feminine” or that these traits are what a Godly Christian man must adhere to with emotions. Both neurotypes may be confused as to what vulnerability and “biblical masculinity” look like.
They may hear:
“Be vulnerable and emotionally connected,” and simultaneously “Be strong and in control.”
The neurodivergent mind thrives on clarity and structure. Vague relational expectations like “be more emotionally present” can feel impossible to interpret without practical examples.
NT vs. ND Males in Coaching and Counseling for Marriage
Before I worked with neurodiverse couples, I worked with NT-NT couples ( 20 years). The average marriage counseling issues (excluding trauma and addiction) when working on communication or better connection was 6-9 months. With new insights and skills, both motivated, the couple would be on their way to practicing new skills and generalizing them to other situations. This is not the case with neurodiverse couples, especially when they have been married for years, undiagnosed. What I observe: simple skills are not easily learned, may have to be broken down into smaller steps, may not always be understood (and the ND man has nodded and seemed to understand), you may encounter demand avoidance or fears of making mistakes and receiving feedback which often lead to being frozen or fawning with the wife wondering, “Why won’t he try? Or Why Can’t he get this and just implement and initiate this?” One other criterion of autism spectrum is difficulty initiating and maintaining relationships. Initiating the new skill or trying something new, even with safeguards and practice steps, days turn to weeks to months and still no initiation. This creates confusion and compounded pain for the NT wife. “Why won’t he try? He’s been taught the tool/skill?”
NT
In marriage counseling or coaching, neurotypical (NT) men often struggle at first with emotional vulnerability or introspection simply because of socialization. Many were not raised to name feelings, explore relational dynamics, or express emotion openly. However, once an NT man understands that counseling is a place to improve the relationship and that tools like self-reflection or emotional attunement will benefit the marriage, he usually adapts. He may still default to problem-solving, but he can pick up the relational purpose of an intervention and respond to the coach’s guidance. NT men generally adjust to the expectations of counseling more quickly because they have intuitive social awareness, flexible Theory of Mind, and the ability to read emotional context even if they don’t always enjoy it. Their challenge is often willingness not wiring.
ND
For neurodivergent (ND) men (particularly autistic men), the struggle in counseling is fundamentally different, and it is neurological, not moral. ND men often enter coaching with great motivation to improve their marriage and deep love for their spouse, but the process of counseling can feel confusing, emotionally intense, and cognitively overwhelming. Counseling or coaching requires abstract thinking, emotional inference, reading nuance, mentalizing, and generalizing relational concepts—areas that are typically harder for autistic neurology. ND men may take words literally, miss implied meaning, or struggle to understand what the coach is really asking for when exploring emotions or relational patterns. They often expect concrete rules, clear steps, and actionable frameworks, but marriage coaching frequently involves ambiguity, subtle emotions, shifting interpersonal dynamics, and implicit expectations. This mismatch can make ND men feel like they are “failing therapy” even when they are earnestly trying. Their difficulty is not always a lack of effort: it is a difference in processing, context-blindness, and emotional load, all of which can make traditional marriage counseling unintentionally inaccessible without ND-informed support.
Generalizability: Deeper Look At This KEY Difference in NT vs ND Males: Why ND Men Struggle to Transfer New Behaviors Across Settings
One of the most important and often least understood differences between neurotypical (NT) and neurodivergent (ND) men in marriage coaching is the issue of generalization. Neurotypical men may not always want to use new relational skills, but once they understand the purpose and see that it helps the relationship, they usually apply the new tool across different situations. In other words, if an NT husband learns that “listening more and correcting less” helps his spouse feel valued during dinner, he will typically carry that skill over to small group, church fellowship, work functions, and other social settings. The skill becomes flexible because he recognizes the relational principle behind it—not just the moment in which it was taught.
For neurodivergent men, especially autistic husbands, this process works differently. Their learning tends to be context-bound, tied to the exact environment, emotional tone, and instructions under which the skill was first practiced. Suppose a wife says, “When we go out to dinner, you tend to talk over me or correct me, and it makes social outings stressful.” Her autistic husband takes that feedback seriously. He studies his speaking patterns, monitors interruptions, rehearses alternative responses, and successfully applies these new communication tools the next time they go out to dinner. The evening goes beautifully. The wife thinks, Great, he finally understands.
But then the next week, they attend a small Bible study, and the same behaviors show up—interrupting, dominating the discussion, correcting details, unaware of the social balance. The wife feels blindsided. To her, it looks intentional: He could control it at dinner, so he must be choosing not to control it here. Is he being passive-aggressive? Does he not care? To the autistic spouse, nothing could be further from the truth. He wasn’t refusing to use the skill—he simply didn’t realize that the same skill applied in this different social environment. His brain categorized “do not interrupt your wife at dinner” as a dinner rule, not a social-communication rule that applies everywhere.
This is the heart of the generalization difficulty in ND adults:
New skills must be explicitly taught, named, and connected to multiple contexts for the ND brain to recognize that the rule applies broadly, not just in the original situation.
It’s not defiance.
It’s not passive aggression.
It’s not sabotage.
It’s a neurological difference in how social expectations and behavioral patterns are stored.
When It’s More Than Gender
So, how do you know when you’re seeing neurodivergence rather than just male patterning?
Here’s a quick guide:
✅ Likely Typical Male Behavior
Understands emotional expectations but avoids them out of discomfort.
Can adapt with coaching or social feedback. Can generalize new skills from counseling or coaching across multiple contexts.
Displays consistent social reciprocity with friends and coworkers.
✅ Likely Neurodivergent (ASD) Behavior
Genuinely doesn’t perceive unspoken social or emotional cues. May also get caught up on the meaning of words or words with more than one meaning.
Has lifelong patterns of social misunderstanding or sensory overwhelm.
Adapts through explicit teaching, not intuitive awareness. Often cannot adapt a learned skill across social contexts.
May have intense interests, rigid routines, or sensory sensitivities.
If these patterns are lifelong, they point toward neurodiversity rather than personality or gender.
Just Scratched the Surface: Uniquely Us Has MORE!
Honestly, as I finish writing, I can see how this could turn into a whole book—but good news, it already has! In Uniquely Us, which Dan and I co-wrote with several colleagues, we take a much deeper look at issues I didn’t even touch on here: how the understanding of autism has expanded across generations, the “lost generation” of undiagnosed adults, and the stigma and bias around diagnosis—especially in church spaces. We also unpack social communication differences, executive function challenges, demand avoidance, and rigid assumptions about gender roles that impact ND Christian marriages. If this blog resonated with you, you’ll find a much wider foundation waiting inside the book. You can check it out here:
Want to keep learning about neurodiversity?
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NeuroDiverse Christian Couples- We ARE JUST GETTING STARTED!
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