“You Go Fix You”: Why Siloed Work Doesn’t Work in Neurodiverse Marriage Coaching
- echodorr5
- 4 days ago
- 10 min read
Author: Dr. Stephanie Holmes, Certified Autism Specialist
A Letter to the Neurotypical Wife Who Just Wants Her Husband to Do His Own Work: The difference between individual work and siloed work
A Series On “Acceptance” of Neurodiversity and What NeuroDiverse Marriage Means
I love it that so many wives who come to work with me or one of the coaches in the International Association of NeuroDiverse Christian Marriages referral network are getting stronger, finding their voice, setting healthy boundaries, and not shouldering the burden of the marriage work any longer. This is good news! Marriage is a relationship that takes two people doing their individual work and working together. We have talked about in the book Uniquely Us and on the podcast and other blogs that we tend to start the wife and husband separately in the beginning to allow, as Barbara Grant says allow for, “Grace and Space” to give space to learn about our brains, ourselves, our relationships, and “figure out your own lane and stay in your lane.” But let’s talk about what “do your own work” means in the context of Neurodiverse marriage work that is different from 2 NT spouses.
A Story to Begin: Fictional, Based on True Experiences
Melissa sat in my office with her arms folded. She had carried the full emotional load of her marriage for years, managing everything from big emotions to scheduling to parenting to the invisible work of maintaining connection. She was carrying the full emotions and mental load for the marriage and family, and she was exhausted! She loved her autistic husband, Thomas, deeply. She admired his brilliance, loyalty, and provision for the family. But she was emotionally exhausted. She just couldn’t do it alone anymore. She had been begging for years for marriage, work, and support, and now, with this new diagnosis of autism, she wants a break. “He needs to go figure himself out!” When asked about what she had bandwidth to do or not do… or what do you think “doing his own work” looks like?
She sighed.
“I can’t keep explaining everything. I already told him what’s wrong. I told him what I need. I need him to go to counseling and fix it. I’m tapped out. I need you to work on him. Alone. I can’t do any more. He knows the issues- I have told him! If he loves me and wants this to work, he will figure it out or I am done!”
And I understood her exhaustion. I understood her longing for support and connection. I understood the desire for him to finally take ownership and not need her to “translate” or “coach” at home. What Melissa wanted was something every spouse wants at some point:
“Please—go do your work. I’ve already carried enough. I shouldn’t need to be part of your coaching.”
But after three sessions with Thomas by himself, something became painfully clear. He was working hard. He was taking notes. He was trying to understand the issues as he heard them, but he did not have the right interpretation of the problems. He lacked critical context. He recalled events differently. His memory stored information without emotional markers, without relational context, without the narrative framework Melissa had tried to convey.
He wasn’t lying.
He wasn’t avoiding.
He wasn’t manipulating.
He genuinely understood the marriage story differently than she did. From his perspective, which is the only perspective or lens he had.
And so he was trying to solve the wrong problems.
After a month, Melissa threw up her hands. “See? It didn’t work. He’s not changing.”
But the truth is: he was working. He simply didn’t have the right map.
Here’s the Hard Truth Up Front
If your autistic/neurodivergent husband is working with a coach or counselor to improve your marriage:
He cannot do that work completely alone in a silo.
You cannot do a total “hands-off” approach if the goal is relational change.
The coach cannot help him change relationship dynamics without input from the person he is in a relationship with.
This is not because you are responsible for his work.
It is because relationship work is, by definition, relational. And you are the only you- what looks like connection and intimacy to you and what looks like rupture, trauma, and repair is subjective to you.
Even 1-on-1 coaching intersects with your shared life.
This doesn’t mean you must re-explain the entire marriage history.
It doesn’t mean you must take the burden of his growth.
It doesn’t mean you must do couples therapy or marital sessions together if you’re not ready.
It means that if the work he is doing involves understanding you, repairing the marriage, or interacting differently with the family, your perspective and clarity are necessary ingredients.
I asked ChatGPT to help me break down my narrative into bullet points to give some practical reasons that if you accept that your spouse is neurodivergent, you also need to accept that coaching or counseling works differently.
1. Autistic Narrative Recall Is Different (see Part 3 of the Series on Autobiographical Memory & Recall)
Autistic individuals often experience:
context blindness
literal storage of events without emotional interpretation
limited interoception (awareness of their own feelings)/alexithymia
difficulty identifying “what part of an event mattered emotionally” or relationally
challenges integrating multiple perspectives into one narrative
memory retrieval that doesn’t automatically prioritize relational data
This means your husband may:
remember the facts but not the feelings
recall the timeline but not the tone
remember the tasks but not the tension
capture what was said but miss why it mattered
not connect the cause and effect the same way you do
So when a coach says:
“Tell me the issues in your marriage.” OR “What are your goals? What are you here to work on to be a better partner?”
Your autistic husband will tell a true story…
…but it may be missing the emotional layers you have tried for years to communicate. His recall may be true to the facts and timeline as he recalls, but may not be accurate, and that does not mean he is intentionally withholding information or being deceitful to the coach in his sessions.
This means the coach might receive:
a partial picture
a different emphasis
a mis-prioritized list of issues
or an entirely logical but relationally incomplete map
This is not dishonesty. This is autistic processing.
And the coach cannot correct or coach what they do not know is missing.
2. Social Context Blindness Makes External Interpretation Crucial
Context blindness (sometimes called “weak central coherence”) means that autistic individuals may struggle to:
infer meaning that is not explicitly stated
interpret relational motivations incorrectly or partially
read between the lines (or pick up face, tone, or body cues)
identify patterns in emotional behavior
understand how actions affect others emotionally
track subtle shifts in dynamic
So if your husband comes to the coach and says:
“We had a disagreement. She seemed angry at me.”
The coach is missing:
what the disagreement was about
what emotions were displayed
what the underlying need was
what pattern this disagreement fits
whether this was a one-time event or the tenth time that day or week
how long the emotional aftermath lasted or if there was a repair attempt or not
how he responded and how she felt about that response
Without your voice, the coach has only one lens. Coaching an autistic spouse with only one lens is like trying to understand a movie by watching only every sixth frame.
You can get the gist. But you miss the story.
3. Theory of Mind Differences Affect Self-Reporting
Many autistic adults have learned to mask, compensate, or over-intellectualize emotions.
But even the most emotionally attuned autistic husband may struggle with:
identifying his own internal states (interoception)
articulating how he felt in a moment (alexithymia)
recognizing the feelings behind a meltdown or shutdown (what led to this dysregulation, something that happened today or built up over a week or month unprocessed)
understanding why his spouse felt what she felt
reporting motives accurately
predicting how his behavior will be interpreted by others
Because of these theory-of-mind differences, self-reporting often needs an external check.
When we rely only on the autistic partner’s narrative, we are asking him to explain emotional, relational, and social dynamics using a system that works differently for him. A criterion of autism spectrum disorder in the DSM is challenges issues initiating and maintaining relationships, which includes what it means to maintain a relationship.
That’s not fair to him.
And it isn’t fair to the marriage. And yes, it will seem unfair that you have to do one more thing or play a role in helping the coach have more information to better coach him.
4. Coaching Requires a Map—And You Hold Half of It
Your husband holds important pieces of the story, and remember, self-reference and challenges with self-awareness are part of neurodiversity. His pieces include:
his perspective
his efforts
his intentions
his sensory experience
his confusion
his exhaustion
his desire to do well
But you hold pieces he cannot access alone:
the emotional impact
the relational patterns
the timeline of disconnection
the unmet needs and what YOU need for repair or ammends
the communication breakdowns
the experiences he did not see or misinterpreted
A marriage is not one story told two ways.
It is two partial stories that must be woven together to become clear.
Even in 1-on-1 coaching, the coach is helping him understand you—your cues, your needs, your communication style, your experience of connection and rupture. How do they do that without you? Rely on his interpretation of you?
How can he improve something he cannot accurately see?
5. Real Change Requires Relational Feedback Loops
Even if your husband wants to grow, he needs:
feedback
clarification
reality checks
emotional signals
reminders
opportunities to try and adjust
Without your participation—even minimal participation—he has no way to gauge:
if what he’s learning is working
if his attempts are landing
if his efforts are repairing or repeating
if the connection is improving
Removing yourself from the process removes his compass.
You are not doing his work for him.
You are providing the relational data necessary for him to apply what he is learning.
You Can’t Learn to Dance Alone
Imagine you decide:
“I want him to learn how to dance with me. But I refuse to step onto the dance floor at any point. Teach him the whole thing privately.”
Could he learn:
footwork?
music timing?
steps?
posture?
Yes.
But could he learn:
how you move?
how your rhythm feels?
how to sync with your pace?
how to respond to your cues?
No.
Because dancing is a relational art.
Marriage is, too.
What Your Involvement Does NOT Mean: First and foremost, this is not doing “couples” or marriage work— yet
Let’s clear up some misunderstandings:
❌ It does NOT mean you’re doing his emotional labor.
❌ It does NOT mean you’re responsible for making him change.
❌ It does NOT mean you’re parenting him.
❌ It does NOT mean you must attend his every session.
❌ It does NOT mean the coach will burden you with his work.
❌ It does NOT mean you must relive your trauma repeatedly.
Your involvement can be as simple as:
offering a written timeline
filling out a context form
joining one session per month with safeguards put in place by the coach
giving brief notes on patterns
clarifying misunderstandings
completing a worksheet if asked
providing examples so the coach can help him interpret them
You are providing data.
You are not carrying the weight.
Why You Might Still Feel Resistant (And Why That’s Valid)
Many NT wives resist participating because:
they’re exhausted
they’ve explained the same things for years
they feel unheard and unseen
they fear being blamed or fear he will weaponize her words
they worry it will become “another thing on their plate”
they want him to take responsibility without leaning on them
they fear being retraumatized
they expect coaching to be like traditional marriage therapy
All of these are valid.
Really, truly valid.
But involvement in neurodiverse coaching looks different.
It is strategic.
It is limited.
It is structured.
It is for your benefit as well, not just his.
A coach who specializes in ND marriages will protect you from retraumatization, manage emotional load, and ensure you are not being asked to over-function.
Your participation is not about rescuing him or codependency. It is about giving the coach the information needed to guide him.
The Goal: A Marriage Where You No Longer Have to Be the Translator
This is the beautiful irony:
If you help in the beginning, you will be needed less in the long run.
The coach can:
teach him your cues
teach him emotional language
teach him relational cause-and-effect
teach him why certain moments mattered
teach him what safety and connection look like for you
teach him how to see you more clearly
Your initial involvement equips him to stand on his own two feet later.
It is front-loaded partnership that leads to long-term independence.
So What Does “Being Tangentially Involved” Look Like?
Here are realistic, manageable ways you might participate:
✔ Submit a written summary of your top 3 recurring pain points
✔ Join a session every 4–6 weeks for alignment
✔ Provide bullet-point examples of communication breakdowns
✔ Verify or correct timeline misunderstandings
✔ Complete a context worksheet
✔ Invite the coach to clarify misunderstandings directly with you
✔ Allow the coach to share concepts he’s learning with you so you’re aligned
This is not heavy lifting. This is structural support.
A Final Word to the NT Wife
You have carried much.
More than anyone knows or perhaps cares to even understand.
More than your autistic husband may ever fully grasp.
Your exhaustion is real.
Your longing is valid.
Your boundaries matter.
And you are not being asked to overfunction anymore! But marital work will be about learning different strategies and, yes, accommodations. Overfunctioning or codependency is about doing something for someone that they can do for themselves.
But your husband cannot repair relational dynamics without relational guidance.
Coaching an autistic spouse without the wife’s input is like trying to solve a puzzle with missing pieces. The coach cannot help him build a map with only half of the territory.
You are not being asked to fix him.
You are being asked to shine a light so he can finally see what he has been trying, sometimes desperately, to understand.
Your voice becomes the bridge between what he intends and what you experience.
And once he learns that bridge, once it becomes safe and familiar, once he develops skill in crossing it—
You will no longer need to build the bridge for him.
He’ll be able to walk across it himself.
That is the long-term goal of good neurodiverse coaching.
Not dependence.
Not burden.
Not endless emotional labor.
But clarity.
Connection.
Understanding.
Repair.
And hope.
Together.
If you do not want to continue in the marriage or do not have the bandwidth for this level of involvement, perhaps you move to discernment coaching, which is determining whether or not you are capable or willing to stay in the neurodiverse marriage. That is another topic entirely.
Want to keep learning about your neurodiverse marriage?
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