When Memory Isn’t a Mirror: Why Autobiographical Recall Matters in Coaching Autistic/ND Men
- echodorr5
- 3 days ago
- 5 min read
By Dr. Stephanie C. Holmes, Autism Specialist, with Dan Holmes, NeuroDiverse Couples’ Coaches
In nearly every marriage-coaching case we work with, there comes a moment—especially when coaching autistic adult men—when the spouse asks in frustration:
“How can we do progress-based coaching if my husband doesn’t remember the events the way I do?”
Or the autistic husband genuinely insists:
“That’s not how it happened. I don’t remember it like that.”
And both feel stuck, invalidated, and discouraged.
The challenge, however, often isn’t defiance, avoidance, or unwillingness.
It’s neurology—specifically, the way autobiographical memory forms (or doesn’t form) in the autistic brain.
And this is where 1-on-1 coaching reaches a limit:
You cannot coach from a memory that doesn’t exist.
This is why we sometimes need partner support, accountability structures, timelines, notes, and relational cross-checking. Not to “gang up” on the autistic spouse, but to ground the coaching in objective reality.
Dr. Kevin Hull’s insightful work on Autobiographical Memory (AM) provides the exact framework couples need to understand this.
Let’s walk through it.
1. Autobiographical Memory: The Brain’s Story-Writer
Dr. Hull explains:
“Memory plays an important part in identity formation and creating a positive sense of self… This is known as Autobiographical Memory (AM).” —Kevin Hull, The Role of Memory in Brain Development
AM is the internal storyteller that allows us to say:
“Here’s who I am.”
“Here’s what happened in my life.”
“Here’s how I’ve grown.”
“Here’s the evidence I can trust you.”
“Here’s how I know I handled something well last time.”
When memory systems develop typically, the brain links: experience → interpretation → stored meaning → future decision-making.
This is how we build identity, resilience, and relational trust.
2. But What Happens When Memory Systems Develop Differently?
Dr. Hull notes:
“Neurodevelopmental issues like autism create delays in parts of the brain… communication between different parts of the brain can be disrupted.”
This disruption affects:
time perception
contextual memory
emotional recall
narrative sequencing
self-reflection
learning from past events
connecting cause and effect
relational trust building
Hull further explains:
“Children with these types of delays and challenges only tend to remember events associated with negative emotions… Without positive memories to balance this out, the child is left with only the negative emotion and associates their self as ‘bad.’”
Many autistic adults, including the emotionally intelligent, spiritually grounded men we coach, never received support for these memory disruptions growing up. So by adulthood, they may:
deeply struggle to recall past interactions accurately
under-remember successes
over-remember failures
miss the “narrative thread” of how an argument escalated
forget agreements, conversations, and commitments
feel attacked when reminded of something they don’t recall
assume the spouse is exaggerating or rewriting events
And the spouse, understandably, feels gaslit—even if no gaslighting is actually happening.
This is the crucible of the ND/NT marriage.
3. Why This Matters So Much in Adult Men’s Coaching
When an autistic man’s autobiographical memory is fragmented, reactive,
or undeveloped, coaching becomes complicated. Why?
Because coaching is built on:
reviewing past behaviors
identifying patterns
building self-awareness
connecting choices to outcomes
co-creating growth strategies
But as Hull notes, when memory processes are disrupted:
“There is no way to interpret events and relate these events to themselves; in essence, the child does not develop a sense of self.”
Many autistic men we coach are highly intelligent but struggle to build that early narrative sense of self. As adults, that can sound like:
“I don’t know why I reacted that way.”
“I don’t remember saying that.”
“I don’t think it was that bad.”
“I thought it went fine.”
“She’s reading into things.”
Not because they are uncaring— but because their brain did not encode the event the way their spouse’s brain did.
4. Why Spousal Support Is Not Optional If the Goal Is Marriage Transformation
In our practice, we often need:
the spouse’s timeline of events
the spouse’s notes
shared journaling
agreements documented in writing
the ability to cross-check narratives gently
permission to consult with another ND-trained coach
This is not a betrayal of privacy.
It is a functional support for coaching in a neurodiverse brain system.
This is why our coaching agreements clarify:
“1-on-1 work is still relational work if the goal is marital change.”
You cannot grow in isolation from the person most impacted by your behavior.
Coaching without accurate memory is like trying to repair a broken-down car without ever looking under the hood. But neither do we want to get into the weeds of facts or timelines. Resolving a timeline does not resolve the relational problem. Dr. Gottman said, “Research shows that 69% of problems are unsolvable.” So we need to make sure we are all on the same issues.
We are not “taking sides.”
We are aligning the narrative with reality so growth is possible.
5. Why Men Need This Framework (Not Shame)
Autistic men often carry decades of shame-based messaging:
“You’re impossible.” “You will never change!”
“You don’t get it.” “This marriage will never be satisfying to me!”
“You’re cold.”
“You don’t care.”
But if we apply Dr. Hull’s framework, we see something entirely different:
“It is as if the brain only registers danger or negative experiences, and so the individual remains in a state of high alert.”
This is not stubbornness.
This is neurobiology.
As/ND Men are not broken.
Their memory-processing system developed differently. How they remember or record personal memories can be a threat or “perceived” threat, based on self-referencing of how the event or situation impacted them vs. what was their role or part of the interaction (self-referencing/mind or time blindness).
And with the right tools, support, and relational scaffolding, they can build new memory pathways and new relational habits.
6. What Helps? (Hull’s Research + Our Clinical Experience)
Dr. Hull offers several evidence-based strategies:
✔ Routines and schedules
They reduce cognitive load and support time blindness.
✔ Connection through special interests
He writes:
“Connecting through the individual’s specified interest… sends the message that you value them and they can find a sense of value through the relationship.”
This is intimacy for autistic brains.
✔ Positive emotional experiences and play
Play is not childish—it is regulation.
Hull notes:
“Play and connection shift the brain out of fight/flight/freeze and shut off the loop of survival mode.”
✔ Encouragement and praise
This helps build the internal narrative that the memory system never formed on its own.
✔ Long-term relational consistency
Identity repair is slow, layered work.
Not because the person is resistant—
but because the brain needs time to rewire.
7. Final Thoughts: Coaching Autistic Men Requires a Community, Not a Silo
Autism affects:
memory
narrative identity
emotional recall
attachment
time perception
self-assessment
So, expecting an autistic adult man to “just do 1-on-1 work alone and fix the marriage” is unrealistic and unfair to him and to the relationship.
The NT spouse often becomes an essential partner in the coaching process, not because she is “the problem,” but because:
She holds the external memory that the relationship depends on.
When we integrate Dr. Hull’s research with lived ND/NT marital realities, we see the truth clearly:
Autobiographical memory is not a private function—it is a relational one.
And healing in marriage happens best when we honor that relational reality.
Podcasts and other resources:
Dr. Hull’s article: April 21, 2018
Interview with Dr. Hull: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/memory-motivation-identity-video-games-with-dr-kevin-hull/id1579715646?i=1000656887346
Dan & Stephanie’s most popular podcasts of 2025: Stuck in the Weeds and We Remember that differently, so who’s lying?
AND Dr. Wilder’s on Identity with insights on differences in the development of identity in the autistic brain: