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The Double Empathy Problem: Navigating Relationships Between AS Individuals and NT Partners

By Dr. Stephanie Holmes


In the realm of interpersonal relationships, empathy serves as a vital cornerstone for understanding and connecting with others. However, when two individuals, one on the autism spectrum and the other neurotypical, come together in a close relationship like marriage, a unique challenge known as the "double empathy problem" emerges. This phenomenon, highlighted by researchers like Damian Milton in 2012, sheds light on the complexities of communication and empathy that arise within such relationships. In this blog, we will delve into the double empathy problem, exploring its implications, causes, and potential solutions.

Understanding the Double Empathy Problem

The concept of the double empathy problem stems from the realization that empathetic communication is a two-way street. Traditional perspectives on empathy often assume that empathy flows predominantly from the neurotypical partner to the individual on the autism spectrum, yet this viewpoint fails to acknowledge the reciprocal nature of empathy. Damian Milton, a researcher and adult on the autism spectrum himself, introduced the concept in 2012 to address this imbalance in understanding.

Milton's argument challenges the assumption that communication and social interaction difficulties are solely the responsibility of individuals on the autism spectrum. He posits that instead of focusing solely on deficits within individuals on the spectrum, we should also recognize the potential barriers that neurotypical individuals may inadvertently contribute to the communication dynamic. This shift in perspective calls for a more holistic understanding of the interpersonal challenges within mixed-neurotype relationships.

Causes of the Double Empathy Problem

The double empathy problem arises from a combination of factors related to differing communication styles, sensory processing, and societal expectations. Understanding these factors is essential to appreciating the challenges faced by both partners in a mixed-neurotype relationship.

  1. Communication Styles: Individuals on the autism spectrum often exhibit unique communication styles that prioritize clarity and directness. Neurotypical communication, on the other hand, often relies on subtle cues, nonverbal gestures, and shared assumptions. These differing styles can lead to misunderstandings and misinterpretations between partners.

  2. Sensory Processing: Sensory sensitivities are common among individuals on the autism spectrum. Certain stimuli that are perceived as benign by neurotypical individuals might be overwhelming for someone on the spectrum. This sensory dissonance can lead to emotional distress and hinder effective communication.

  3. Societal Norms and Expectations: Societal norms dictate many aspects of behavior and communication. Neurotypical individuals might unknowingly adhere to these norms, assuming that their partner should do the same. This can create a disconnect when the individual on the spectrum does not conform to these expectations.

Implications and Challenges

The double empathy problem can give rise to a range of challenges within mixed-neurotype relationships. These challenges have the potential to strain the partnership if not addressed openly and empathetically:

  1. Misunderstandings: Miscommunications resulting from different communication styles can lead to frustration, hurt feelings, and a sense of being unheard.

  2. Emotional Disconnect: Sensory sensitivities and difficulties in expressing emotions can lead to an emotional disconnect between partners. This disconnect may cause one or both partners to feel isolated within the relationship.

  3. Blame and Misattributions: Without an understanding of the double empathy problem, neurotypical partners might misattribute communication difficulties solely to their partner's condition, rather than recognizing the role their own communication style plays.

  4. Decreased Empathy: Over time, the challenges of navigating these misunderstandings might erode empathy between partners, creating a cycle of frustration and withdrawal.

Navigating Solutions

The journey towards addressing the double empathy problem involves mutual understanding, effective communication, and a willingness to adapt. Here are some strategies that couples in mixed-neurotype relationships can consider:

  1. Education and Awareness: Both partners should actively educate themselves about each other's communication styles, sensory sensitivities, and needs. Learning about the challenges associated with autism and neurotypical behavior can foster empathy and reduce misconceptions.

  2. Open Communication: Creating an environment of open and nonjudgmental communication is crucial. Partners should feel comfortable expressing their needs, concerns, and feelings, fostering a sense of emotional safety.

  3. Empathy Building: Both individuals can work on empathetic listening and understanding. This involves actively putting oneself in the other's shoes, acknowledging their perspective, and validating their experiences.

  4. Collaborative Problem-Solving: Instead of assigning blame, partners can collaborate to find creative solutions to challenges arising from the double empathy problem. This might involve compromise and adjustments in communication methods.

  5. Seeking Professional Support: Couples therapy or counseling can provide a safe space for addressing challenges and learning effective strategies for improving communication and understanding.


The double empathy problem sheds light on the intricacies of relationships between individuals on the autism spectrum and their neurotypical partners. Damian Milton's concept serves as a reminder that effective communication and empathy are shared responsibilities within any relationship, regardless of neurotype. By acknowledging and addressing the double empathy problem, couples can work towards nurturing understanding, empathy, and a stronger connection, ultimately fostering healthier and more fulfilling relationships.

Dr. Holmes did a YouTube on the subject of Double Empathy at:

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