The Call of the Neurodiverse Marriage: Rewired from Divorce to Contentment

By: Nicole Mar

When we marry, we have expectations of what marriage will be. I pictured a happy family full of togetherness and lighthearted fun—with the man who brought me deep contentment and ever flowing joy. We spent eight years of getting to know each other prior to marriage. I beamed the night before my wedding, certain that we were in for a gloriously bump-free marital ride.

I remember staring into his eyes on the day of my wedding and gleefully repeating “In sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse, till death do we part.”

A sudden shift

Fast forward a little over a year later, the marriage had bee nothing like what I’d imagined. Not only did my husband—who prior to marriage couldn’t get enough of me—become a recluse, constantly behind a closed door in our bedroom staring at the computer night and day, but we also fought constantly. We couldn’t understand each other. It was as though we were speaking two different versions of the same language. From finances to childrearing to entertainment to together time, we simply didn’t agree on anything. The marriage that I was certain would set me free from loneliness had instead become a prison of isolation— dark and constant. I could not escape.

The revelation

I prayed constantly for my marriage. About two years in, I was rocking my newborn while nursing and praying for God to heal my marriage. I could not figure out why it wasn’t working. We had the same Christian faith, similar values, were the same race, and had the same taste in music, along with many other similarities, yet our home was quickly dissolving into a war zone where the wrong step could explode into a land mine.

As I sat in silence praying, my lips barely moving. The Holy Spirit responded, “Your husband is autistic.”

Confused, I replied, “Is it a demon.”

He explained, “No. He is feeble-minded.”

Once finished with nursing and my baby fast asleep, I jumped on the internet to find out more about this autism thing. All I’d ever known of it was the rain man movie where the autistic person had no ability to connect with others, gave no eye contact, but was a math prodigy. This didn’t describe my husband. He was married, had a family, could hold a conversation, was capable of loving making, and was gainfully employed with stellar marks at work.

However, soon I found online that the characteristics of high-functioning autism fit my husband to a tee. I was shocked, but I was also determined to fix him, to fix us, so my dream of a happy, normal marriage could be realized.

A turning point toward repair

In time, we found an amazing therapist: Dr. Stephanie Holmes. She, too, was faith-based and married to someone on the spectrum. She gave us exceptional tips to address our many marital issues. Things got better. My husband began to help with childrearing. He would greet me instead of grabbing my phone when I arrived from work. We eventually stepped into a rhythm that worked for us with little ones. I continued to dive into autism research, reading books to him, coaching him in how to have conversations, praying for his healing, teaching and taking classes on autism in marriage, and participating in ongoing therapy.

Loneliness creeps back in

In time, the years ebbed by, and the children grew capable of managing their own lives and schedules. There was less hands-on parenting to do. The home became very quiet. While it functioned well from the outside, inside the dark loneliness that had threatened to engulf me all those years before crept in again.

Autism “repair” became my special interest

I tried to get my husband to have neurotypical-style conversations. I insisted we do date nights, weekend trips and have a 30-minute activity together each night before bed. I became involved in a musical ministry and insisted he participate, so we’d have our Christian “thing.”

This went on beautifully for seven months, until one day he exploded. “I hate going on trips. I hate going to your musical events and people talking to and looking at me. I don’t like flying in planes and spending unnecessary money. I don’t like the beach. I just want to be left alone to relax.”

Divorce on the horizon

Each word cut me like a knife. Devastated, I lashed back out, demanding we get a divorce. We’d already separated once before, and God had forced us back together due to financial turmoil. With our finances intact and our children mostly grown up, there was nothing left to keep us together.

“Why should we each grow old with someone we don’t belong with?”

It made no sense to me, and before long, I prepared to move out again, but this time, God asked me to do a 30-day fast first.

God asks for a fast

In that time, God began to speak to me. He told me that when a Christian man asks him for a wife, he gives the man the wife he needs. God began to remind me of all the blessings he’d bestowed upon my life: healthy children, a beautiful home, finances, friends, time with parents, strong ministry work, and wonderful careers. He asked me to forgive my husband for his inability to be what I wanted.

A changed heart toward the duty of marriage

He told me matter-of-factly, “You are his helpmeet. Hollywood and culture glamorize marriage, but that isn’t marriage. You have one job to do. Your job is to help him, so help him and do it with kindness and without complaint. If he isn’t giving you the love you desire, don’t worry about that. You do what I have called you to do.”

God’s words struck me powerfully. I felt humbled to be patient and forgiving. I stepped back into my marriage a changed woman.

Before long, my ministry opportunities began to grow. The evenings that had been filled with loneliness began to fill with wonderful musical opportunities. The weekends that had been silent began to fill with time with friends in prayer and fun.

God has taught me a valuable lesson. Marriage is about becoming more like Christ.

·      It isn’t about sensual love. It is about sacrificial love.

·      It isn’t about being couple-goals. It is about being couple-committed.

·      It isn’t about being giggly besties. It is about being galvanized to one another for better, for worse, in sickness, in health, for richer for poorer until we take our last breath.