Those Who Leave, Lose Thrice
- Dan Holmes
- Oct 3, 2025
- 5 min read
Yet Wives, You Are Seen and Loved by God Author: Dr. Stephanie C. Holmes
You may have read heartbreaking stories of neurotypical (NT) wives who leave marriages to undiagnosed autistic husbands and are said to lose twice: their marriage and the respect of their children. In her insightful article, Swenson (2016) explores how NT women married to undiagnosed autistic men experience profound, often invisible pain. Initially, the husband admires her confidence, warmth, and social ease, while she finds his steadiness and focus appealing. But as the marriage progresses, his need for predictability clashes with her desire for connection. His inability to mirror her emotions or meet her needs leaves her feeling invisible and dismissed. She gradually suppresses her desires to avoid conflict, internalizes his criticisms, and begins to doubt her sanity, illustrated poignantly when her birthday or other needs or requests are repeatedly overlooked, symbolizing her broader erasure (Swenson, 2016).
Swenson notes that children often side with their undiagnosed father, misinterpreting their mother’s exhaustion and strength as controlling or harsh, while seeing their emotionally absent father as the victim. As the mother sacrifices her own needs to maintain the family—managing birthdays, celebrations, routines, and relationships—her children internalize the message that her needs are unimportant. Over time, she becomes the “angry” or “overbearing” parent in their eyes, while their father remains passive and detached yet blameless—“such a good guy” who never makes waves. Her identity is gradually worn down, like granite under water, as she strives to survive in a dynamic where she is continually misperceived and invalidated.
When she finally leaves the marriage—often after the children are grown—she is judged as selfish and blamed for “destroying the family,” while her husband is cast as the innocent party. Her children, shaped by years of misunderstanding, may distance themselves and repeat the false narrative that she pushed their father away. Swenson concludes that NT wives in these marriages lose twice: their husband and marriage, and then the respect and closeness of their children. Left to mourn, heal, and rebuild, she carries the weight of being seen as the villain in the very story where she sacrificed everything to hold her family together.
In her Psychology Today article, Rudy (2022) describes the slow, invisible unraveling of NT wives in lonely, confusing, and painful marriages to men exhibiting traits of autism spectrum disorder (ASD). These women often enter marriage hopeful and confident, believing they’ve found a thoughtful, stable partner. But over time, her sense of self erodes. Years of feeling unseen and misunderstood diminish her individuality.
But what about Christian women? For them, the losses are even greater. They often lose three times: their husband, the intimacy of family life, and their place and voice in their faith community, which too often blames them for the marriage’s breakdown, questions their faith, and may even cut them off from fellowship.
For Christian women, this pain is magnified by spiritual misunderstanding. Many faith communities offer little understanding of neurodiverse dynamics and instead prescribe harmful, oversimplified solutions: just submit more, pray harder, trust God more. As author and former counselor Leslie Vernick observes, women are often told, “If you step down, he will step up,” placing the full burden of the marriage on her shoulders. When she decides to separate or divorce—again, often after the children are grown—she may find herself judged, shamed, stripped of ministry roles, and even shunned. Her children, influenced by the same faith culture, may side with their father, seeing him as the victim and her as the “sinner.” This woman loses her marriage, her children’s respect, and her spiritual home, left to wander in a lonely wilderness of grief, guilt, and confusion. Many Christian women remain in abusive or neglectful marriages out of fear of losing their children and their church community.
But her story, your story, does not end there. If you are this woman, or walking alongside her, know this: God sees you. God values you. God loves you. You are not crazy, selfish, or faithless. You are a beloved daughter of God who has endured deep suffering. Jesus Himself understands what it means to be rejected by those closest to you, to feel unseen and misunderstood, to be wrongly accused. He calls you not to destruction but to abundant life, which includes your emotional, spiritual, and physical well-being.
Here are a few affirmations rooted in Scripture and truth to speak over yourself today:
🌸 I am not invisible to God. He sees me in my suffering and collects every tear I cry. (Psalm 56:8) 🌸 I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and my needs, feelings, and desires matter to my Creator. (Psalm 139:14) 🌸 I am not responsible for another person’s unwillingness or inability to love as God calls. (Ezekiel 18:20) 🌸 I am allowed to set boundaries to protect my heart and mind. This is wisdom, not rebellion. (Proverbs 4:23) 🌸 Even if others forsake me, the Lord will never leave me nor forsake me. (Psalm 27:10; Hebrews 13:5) 🌸 I am loved with an everlasting love, and nothing can separate me from the love of God. (Jeremiah 31:3; Romans 8:38-39)
If you have walked this road, you are not alone — even when it feels like you are. God is still at work in your story, redeeming what was broken and restoring your soul. Seek out safe people — wise friends, a trauma-informed and neurodiverse aware coach or counselor, or a support group — who will listen without judgment and affirm your worth. You are not “too much” or “not enough.” You are His. Doing a group for non-autistic, Christian wives can be helpful for your healing and support! Check out www.HolmesASR.com Groups for Women!
For church communities, the call is clear: it’s time to stop perpetuating guilt and misunderstanding and instead stand with women in their pain, offering compassion rather than condemnation. And for the woman herself: may you begin to see yourself through the eyes of the One who made you, and believe again in your dignity, worth, and hope for the future.
Understanding the complexities and differences of neurodiverse marriage is crucial for understanding for any Christian marriage helper. In our book Uniquely Us, we share what over 200 people shared: how working with untrained Christian counselors, coaches, and clergy caused more harm.
A podcast we did on breaking the stigma of divorce:
References:
Rudy, L. (2022). When You’re Married to a Man with Asperger’s Syndrome: A Therapist’s Perspective on the Invisible Pain of Neurotypical Wives. Retrieved from Psychology Today.
Swenson, S. (2016, April 20). Married with Undiagnosed ASD: Why Women Who Leave Lose Twice. GoodTherapy. Retrieved from https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/married-with-undiagnosed-asd-why-women-who-leave-lose-twice-042016
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