Breaking Free: How to Resolve Guilt and Shame in NeuroDiverse Relationships
- Dan Holmes
- 4 days ago
- 5 min read
BY BARBARA GRANT, MMFT, NDCC, CAS (July 5, 2025)
Shame is a silent destroyer. It slips into our identity, burrows deep in the soul, and convinces us that we are unworthy of love, acceptance, and belonging. Where guilt says, "I did something bad," shame whispers, "I am bad." And yet, resolving shame is essential not only for emotional healing but for our spiritual and relational lives as well. Understanding what shame is—and how to heal from it—can radically change how we view ourselves and others.
What Is Shame?
The Bible gives us an early picture of shame in the story of Adam and Eve. After their disobedience, their instinct wasn’t just guilt—it was to hide. This reaction—covering themselves and withdrawing from God—is the first evidence of shame in Scripture. They believed their wrong made them unworthy of love and connection. That’s the heart of shame.
Unlike guilt, which is tied to our actions, shame is tied to our identity. Guilt says, “I did something wrong.” Shame says, “There’s something wrong with me.” This false belief is rooted in insecure attachment, which often starts in early childhood. When bonding is disrupted—whether by emotional unavailability, undiagnosed neurodiversity (ND) in parents, or intergenerational trauma passed through epigenetics—children begin to internalize messages of shame. They don’t just feel unloved; they believe they are unlovable.
This belief becomes a script that runs in the background: I’m not good enough. I don’t matter. I’ll never be enough. And when life triggers those scripts, it doesn’t just cause sadness—it can awaken deep trauma, anxiety, fear, and even depression.
Neuroscience has confirmed that toxic stress and trauma in early childhood affect nearly every area of development—physiological, emotional, relational, and even spiritual. The impact of shame is not abstract. It shows up in our brains, our nervous systems, and our behavior.
Why It’s Critical to Deal with Shame
Shame and trauma are close cousins. Many of the core responses to trauma—fight, flight, freeze, and fawn—mirror what we see in individuals carrying deep shame. In fact, research shows significant neurological overlap between trauma responses and certain ND conditions like ADHD.
What does this mean? It means that unresolved shame can complicate or delay diagnosis and treatment for neurodivergent individuals. Denial or fear of ND traits—because of the shame around them—can lead people to avoid the truth about themselves or their children. But avoidance only compounds suffering. Left untreated, this stress can lead to serious health problems, broken relationships, addictions, and even suicidal thoughts.
The good news? Both trauma and ND are treatable. Therapy, coaching, and relational healing are not just possible—they are powerful. But we cannot heal what we won’t face. The first step is naming shame and beginning to tell the truth.
Facing Shame: A Path to Healing
Back in the Garden, we’re left with a question: What if Adam and Eve had confessed and received forgiveness instead of hiding? Did their shame make them believe they were beyond redemption? This is the oldest lie of the Enemy—that we are too far gone, too broken, too unworthy to be loved by God.
But Scripture offers a radical counter-narrative: “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1). God’s story is one of redemption, not rejection. He didn’t design us to live in shame. Jesus came not only to forgive our sins but to restore our identity.
To begin healing, we must confess our shame—not just our actions, but the deep beliefs we hold about who we are. This starts with evaluation. Trauma counselor Tim Fletcher outlines 42 common ways shame shows up in our lives, from perfectionism and control to self-sabotage and blame-shifting. When we notice these patterns, we can begin to interrupt them.
Dr. Curt Thompson, a Christian psychiatrist, offers a practical framework called “SIFT B” for examining our internal world:
Senses – What are you physically feeling right now?
Image – What mental images arise?
Feelings – What emotions are present?
Thoughts (Beliefs) – What do you believe about yourself?
Behaviors – How are you reacting outwardly?
When we look honestly at our SIFT B, we begin to see how shame has shaped not only our beliefs but our behaviors—towards ourselves and others. Blame-shifting, for example, is a key indicator of shame. When we’re unable to take responsibility, it’s often because admitting fault feels too threatening to our already fragile identity.
But there is hope. When we change what we believe about ourselves—by aligning our identity with Christ’s redemption—we can also begin to change how we behave toward ourselves and others.
Healing Through Connection: God and Others
Shame thrives in secrecy and isolation. But healing happens in connection—with God and with safe, loving people. Redemption is not just about being forgiven; it’s about being adopted into a new family. Our status changes. We are no longer outcasts or orphans, but children of the Father.
This kind of healing isn’t only theological—it’s neurological. Our right brain is the seat of emotional and relational processing. It is formed and nourished by experiences of:
Joy – Knowing someone is glad to be with you.
Gratitude – A deep appreciation for life and others.
Beauty and Creativity – Engaging with the world in wonder.
These right-brain functions are essential for emotional regulation and relational bonding. When we experience joy and connection with others, our brain literally begins to rewire itself.
One of the most powerful healing tools is storytelling. When we retell our story in the presence of a compassionate listener, we experience validation. Our pain is witnessed. Our shame is named—and disarmed.
Eventually, healing moves us beyond ourselves. As we become integrated—mind, body, and spirit—we can begin helping others heal. We offer empathy, not advice. We offer presence, not perfection. We become co-laborers with Christ in the work of redemption.
Final Thoughts
Shame may feel like a permanent sentence, but it’s a lie. You are not beyond hope. Guilt is resolvable, and even shame—though deeper—can be uprooted when we face it with honesty and bring it into the light of God’s grace.
God never intended for you to live hidden in the shadows. His invitation has always been the same: “Where are you?” Not because He doesn’t know, but because He wants you to come home.
You are not what happened to you.You are not your diagnosis.You are not your worst moment.
You are beloved.
Resources:
Tim Fletcher Understanding Trauma: The Results of Shame
Shame: Curt Thompson- Being Known YouTube playlist (S2, Ep 1-11)
“SIFT B” concept, discussed by Curt Thompson in Being Known YouTube podcast (S2 Ep1)