By Barbara Grant, MMFC, NDCC, CAS
Barbara Grant brings a lifetime of spiritual, therapeutic and practical experience to her Christian neurodiverse relationship coaching work. Married for 20 years (with 2 children), her first husband left their Christian marriage before they ever realized he was neurodivergent (they are now best friends, and together with his new wife, they are monthly prayer partners!) Unknowingly, Barbara remarried another Christian neurodivergent man, and, after 15 years - and much discernment - she made the heart-breaking but tough decision to separate and then divorce. Her experience of not one, but two neurodiverse marriages, separations and divorces qualifies her as a guide and resource to other Christians who themselves are entering a time of discernment: should they Stay or Go? The following blog discusses four areas of consideration which a Christian (and a woman in particular) might explore in their discernment process.
What's my RELATIONAL Reality?
For a Christian considering separation or divorce, it's crucial to start with self-reflection. In particular, many wives married to neurodivergent men struggle with low self-worth and a lack of relational support. Ask yourself: How do I feel about myself? You are the central figure in your life, the “hub” of your self-care and self-compassion. If you’re struggling with self-worth, it becomes challenging to attract people who can support, uplift, and encourage you.
Next, assess the situation with your spouse: Is he/she a safe person, or is there any form of abuse present? This is a crucial question to help evaluate whether staying in the marriage is a risk to your well-being. Also, consider the ripple effect of your decisions: How would staying or leaving affect your children and extended family? Will staying in the marriage be detrimental, or could they benefit from a healthier, more peaceful environment if you left?
Lastly, it’s essential to build your own support team—friends, counselors, and professionals who are safe, honest, and willing to speak the truth with love. Surround yourself with those who can guide you wisely(and not accuse or guilt you) as you navigate these tough decisions.
What's my SPIRITUAL Reality?
Additionally, it’s important to assess your relationship with God, Christ, and the Holy Spirit. Ask yourself whether you are experiencing His love and encouragement, or if you feel like God is judging you. These thoughts and beliefs can shape how you proceed.
Surround yourself with a spiritual support team who understands and correctly interprets God's teachings on divorce. Contrary to some longstanding beliefs, the Bible does not say, “God hates divorce”; this was a mistranslation in the King James version.
It's also crucial to prepare for potential spiritual attacks. Some church members may attempt to shame or guilt you into staying, downplaying any abuse or hardship you're enduring. You must discern whether they are offering wise counsel or simply accusing.
Some churches are wonderfully supportive, especially of stay-at-home moms or women in difficult or abusive marriages: explore what resources your church might provide, such as financial assistance, shelter, or other forms of support. Finally, seek out prayer warriors who will intercede on your behalf and help you maintain spiritual strength during this challenging time.
What's my FINANCIAL Reality?
It’s vital to understand your financial situation in detail. Start by documenting your household income, assets, debts, and budgets. Identify whose names are on bank accounts, credit cards, and any other financial accounts, such as mortgages, car loans, or educational loans. Take stock of any real estate you or your spouse own, including second homes, rental properties, or timeshares, and determine who holds the deeds or titles to your primary home, cars, or RVs.
Consider future financial prospects, like potential inheritances, and whether they will be treated as separate or community property in your state. Review the beneficiaries listed on 401Ks, life insurance policies, and ensure you have access to past tax returns, understanding if you were listed as a dependent.
Additionally, it’s important to know your credit score, social security eligibility, and whether you qualify for partial payments from your spouse’s benefits. Health insurance, as well as long-term care coverage, must be evaluated to ensure adequate protection for yourself and your children.
Good stewardship of God’s resources means taking responsibility for financial matters (actually, all the money is his), so begin exploring options for work, further education, or career development. For a stay-at-home woman, it’s never too late to return to work or to school, and since Covid, there are a myriad of online opportunities which would allow you to study or work from home.
Outline a future budget to determine what – and where - you would need to live: factor in the costs of being a single person (or single mom), including housing, transportation, childcare, and healthcare.
In all these matters, build a financial team to guide you—this could include a trusted church member with financial experience, a Certified Financial Divorce Analyst (CFDA), accountant, or investment advisor. For Christians, there are free or low-cost online resources, like those from Crown Ministries or Dave Ramsey, which can help you plan for and navigate a financial transition wisely.
What's my LEGAL Reality?
Good discernment means you’ve considered everything before deciding whether to Stay or Go. Therefore, it’s essential to understand the legal implications of either choice. Start by educating yourself on your state’s family law statutes, including the laws governing separation, divorce, spousal support, child support, and child custody.
Many county courts offer free workshops or online training to walk you through the specific processes in your county for filing legal forms, the associated costs, and how long separation or divorce proceedings typically take.
It’s also important to know how your state classifies and divides property—what is considered community property versus separate property? Understanding how your assets will be divided is crucial.
The time and money spent on a separation or divorce largely depends on how you choose to divide your assets. Will you go to court (the most expensive option), or opt for mediation? Mediation is becoming increasingly popular, with many family lawyers offering this service.
In simple mediation, a single lawyer acts as a neutral facilitator to help both spouses negotiate a settlement. Collaborative mediation involves separate lawyers for each spouse, and can also include additional professionals like CPAs, therapists, or paralegals. Some couples even hire a retired family court judge to mediate, typically with lawyers representing each party.
It is wise to consult with at least three different lawyers to educate yourself on your options and to find someone who is both qualified and supportive of your situation. Be strategic about how you pay for legal consultations to avoid drawing attention from your spouse, especially if you're not ready to disclose your plans. Some lawyers offer free initial consultations or can work with you on discreet payment methods, so plan carefully to protect your privacy while you gather information.
What are My Next Steps?
Investing time and energy in discerning whether to Stay or Go is a valuable process, which pays dividends in the long run. Asking questions, building a wise and supportive team, and taking the time to grow past fear and paralysis is both Godly and a blessing to yourself and others.
Staying in fear or denial that you have options will not improve the marriage or help you grow as a person, but may instead lead to resentment, reactivity, and an unfavorable outcome.
Barbara offers a 20 min consultation for anyone wanting to explore the possibilities and decide what your best “next step” might be, whether it is individual, couples or group coaching support. For women, Barbara offers a Stay or Go? online Christian community (meets 2nd & 4th THURs PMs via drop-in Zooms), as well as Stay or Go one-day workshops or 4-week classes.
Reach Barbara through her Hope for Couples website: www.BG-HC.com where you can book a free 20 minute “Hope and Healing” call and sign up for a membership, a group or for coaching.
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