Greg Reller
My Wife (Carol, author of the communication chapter in the Uniquely Us book about neurodivergent marriages) is a communication specialist. We were discussing the interaction of Aspie traits and how they can affect relational communication in a neurodiverse marriage.
This blog is to share about verbal communication challenges that I face daily in the hope that my experience can help others in neurodiverse relationships.
First, I will share the Aspie traits that most affect my verbal communication, then I will describe some examples of how these traits affect(ed) my communication, and finally identify some general tips that are intended to point the way to bridge the gap between how Aspies and Neurotypical people communicate.
A few words about Aspie traits: Each person on the spectrum has a different mix of such traits that may be contributing to communication issues. The traits each of us have can be different and/or affect communication differently. My experience is that through accepting that those traits are part of my unique self, and learning how they affect me and my communication style, I can modify how I communicate with others while becoming more like my best self.
These are the Aspie traits that most affect my communication:
I am capable of focusing on a task to the exclusion of all else (to the point where an attempt by my wife to communicate is perceived as a problem or obstacle to remove)
My default response to questions is to become defensive as if questions are an attack
I take things literally and often miss nonverbal cues
I tend to process everything internally by thinking. This leads to internal dialogues, stories, and conclusions or assumptions made without any outside interaction.
My Aspie mind does not process emotions/feelings as quickly as my wife and many others.
I can get overwhelmed by sensory input (including talking) to the point where it becomes very difficult to express myself clearly
Before I was aware of them, these traits contributed to tremendous communication problems. Now, post-diagnosis I have accepted that my brain is wired a little differently than the average person. This knowledge has helped me to learn about myself and others, and a little about how I can communicate better and attain better connections through my interactions with others. While my aspie traits still affect how I communicate, and not always positively, I am learning to change what I can to communicate more effectively without compromising myself.
In the past, when communication went bad I used to just shut down and stonewall, I would retreat/escape (usually by reading a fiction book at home, or retreating into data analysis and report writing at work). If I thought about the matter at all I would usually spiral down a negative path that did not result in calming. I did not know that repair of the break in the relationship was needed or even a thing.
Areas that were more likely to result in conflict due to differing communication styles included
Task Interruption
Questions during a project
Trying to communicate when overstimulated/overwhelmed
So I have provided the following examples:
Example 1: Task Interruption
Old Style: The interruption is an obstacle to be removed. I would provide terse one-word responses with little or no eye contact in an effort to end the interruption so I could continue the task. I might ignore the person while hoping they would go away. I would also respond in a grouchy manner to make them go away.
New Style: When someone is trying to connect with me, it is ok to pause my task and be nice to them for a few minutes, and make a nice connection. Pause, take a breath, smile and make eye contact and say hello. Let them know you are ready to talk, and listen carefully. The delay will not hurt anything and you will be more likely to preserve the relationship
Lesson Learned: Become interruptible. When focused on something and someone checks in try to pause, or if you must continue ask them to wait until you can get to a stopping point (this should be no more than a few minutes).
Example 2: Questions During a Project
I get asked a question about what I am about to do, or what I just did
Old Style: React with an edge to my voice, in defense of my work. Defend the work. This could be pretty awkward when someone was just curious and did not mean to be critical.
New Style (full disclosure-I’m still old style way too often): Try to remember to pause, take a breath and simply answer the question in a nice manner. Ask them questions too, engage for a few minutes maybe you’ll learn something.
Lesson Learned: Don’t assume questions are an attack, most of the time people are simply curious and want to know how or why. Taking a few minutes to engage is ok. And if they have seen something you are not aware of, their information might result in improving your work. If time is short, nicely let them know this and try to get back with them when you have more time.
Example 3: Trying to Communicate When Overstimulated/Overwhelmed
This could happen to me at home when I was trying to relax after a long day at work, or during a family gathering; or at work functions like technical meetings, or when I’m trying to do something and a conversation takes an emotional turn or... My bandwidth was exceeded by inputs from all that was going on, and as a result my processing and verbal abilities were log jammed.
Old Style: Stick it out and try to take part. Think I’m doing pretty well but unclearly express myself. Leave others puzzled or even angry. Leave.
New Style: Pre-Regulate, identify when I’m getting overloaded and slow down. Take breaks throughout the event/day to recover. Be very careful what I say and how I say it. Leave before I become overdone.
Lesson Learned: It is better to let others know that you need to take a break, than it is to damage relationships through poor communication when you are overwhelmed. You can always come back when you are calmed down, and the communication will be much better then.
Some helpful Tips:
I think that I have learned a few things that have improved my ability to communicate with those around me. Most of what I have learned has been with and through my wife, with significant help from Dr. Stephanie and Dan.
Relationship Before Task- see how much you can do together-in connection, instead of ‘This needs to be done in 2 hours’. Remember that remaining in connection while doing the work is more important than task completion at the cost of relational damage.
Be Curious ask open ended questions (why did you say ….?, What did you mean when you said….?, What are we talking about?) Remember to listen to the answers and engage to increase your understanding.
Admit If you are overstimulated and/or unable to express yourself clearly in the moment. Also return to the subject after you are able to express yourself.
It is ok to take time for yourself to process in your own way, AND you need to revisit with the other person to share your insights.
Learn to identify when you are becoming overstimulated.
Clarify when you realize or suspect that you are participating in a different conversation than the other party (what are we talking about?)
These tips require some effort to learn and apply. For example, I sometimes find it difficult to know that I am becoming overstimulated. I am learning that when Carol asks how I am doing that it is because she is trying to help me monitor myself in regards to my remaining bandwidth for interaction.
Just because mistakes are made in applying these tips does not mean they will not work. Just keep trying, the work to implement these ideas is hard. The benefits of improved communication and connection with those around you is worth it.
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