By Dan and Stephanie Holmes
(Blog Based on the Podcast from NeuroDiverse Christian Couples with assistance from ChatGPT)
In today's discussion, we're going to delve into the key ingredients that contribute to a healthy, mutually satisfying, and functioning neurodiverse (ND) Christian marriage. As coaches, we often hear questions about what makes such marriages work and what doesn't. While we've extensively covered the challenges and pitfalls in previous discussions, today we're focusing on the positive elements that can foster a thriving relationship. Our insights are based on observations from our counseling sessions, group discussions, and personal experiences.
Acceptance
The journey towards a healthy neurodiverse marriage begins with acceptance. Acceptance involves recognizing and embracing the unique characteristics and needs of each partner. It’s about understanding that a neurodiverse relationship will not mirror a neurotypical one, and that’s perfectly okay. Acceptance starts with both parties acknowledging neurodiversity and adapting their expectations accordingly.
In many cases, acceptance comes through a diagnosis, either of a partner or a child. This diagnosis often acts as a catalyst for understanding and adjusting to neurodiversity. However, it's not uncommon for couples to struggle with acceptance, especially if they come to counseling several years post-diagnosis, frustrated and hurt. The longer the marriage has existed without understanding neurodiversity, the harder it can be to shift from traditional expectations to a neurodiverse framework.
Acceptance also means giving up the old expectations and fully embracing the new reality. It's not just about changing the expectation, but also about letting go of the past. Holding on to what "could have been" hinders the present and future potential of the relationship. Both partners must commit to working together as a team, progressing day by day with mutual understanding and effort.
Humility
Humility is the foundation of acceptance and a key ingredient in a successful neurodiverse marriage. It requires acknowledging that we don't know everything and that there is always room for growth. Humility allows us to accept our limitations and seek wisdom from our partners and from God. It’s about being open to learning and recognizing that our spouse might have valuable insights and experiences that we can benefit from.
In a Christian context, humility is central. It aligns with the biblical teachings that emphasize our dependence on God and the need for continual growth and learning. Pride, on the other hand, is the root of many relational issues. It manifests in various forms, such as self-sufficiency, arrogance, and an unwillingness to accept help or admit wrongdoing.
Teachability
Closely related to humility is teachability. A teachable spirit is essential for growth in any relationship, especially in a neurodiverse marriage. It involves being open to feedback, willing to learn from mistakes, and ready to make changes for the betterment of the relationship. Teachability is about recognizing that we don't have all the answers and that we can always improve.
In practical terms, teachability might mean seeking counseling, attending workshops, or reading books on neurodiversity and relationships. It also involves being open to your partner's perspective and experiences. It's about creating an environment where both partners feel safe to express their needs and concerns without fear of judgment or rejection.
Understanding Individual Work vs. Marriage Work
In a neurodiverse marriage, it's crucial to distinguish between individual work and marriage work. Individual issues, such as anger management, addiction, or trauma, need to be addressed separately before they can be effectively worked on within the marriage. These issues impact the relationship, but they are fundamentally personal challenges that require individual attention and healing.
Marriage work, on the other hand, involves both partners working together on common issues such as communication, conflict resolution, and intimacy. It's about collaborating to build a strong foundation for the relationship. However, expecting the marriage to improve without addressing individual issues first is unrealistic and often counterproductive.
Vulnerability
Vulnerability is another critical component of a healthy neurodiverse marriage. It involves being honest about our limitations, asking for help when needed, and admitting when we don't have all the answers. Vulnerability fosters trust and intimacy, as it shows that we are willing to be open and honest with our partner.
In practical terms, vulnerability might mean admitting when you're overwhelmed and need support, or when you're struggling with a particular issue. It's about creating a safe space where both partners feel comfortable sharing their struggles and seeking help. This can be particularly challenging in a neurodiverse relationship, where communication and emotional expression might be different from what is typical.
Curiosity and Understanding
Finally, a successful neurodiverse marriage requires a genuine curiosity and desire to understand your partner. This means taking the time to learn about their experiences, their needs, and their perspective. It's about being interested in who they are as a person and showing empathy and support.
Curiosity involves asking questions, listening actively, and seeking to understand rather than judge. It's about being open to learning new things about your partner and appreciating their unique qualities. In a neurodiverse relationship, this might mean learning about their sensory needs, their communication style, or their special interests.
Building a healthy, mutually satisfying, and functioning neurodiverse Christian marriage requires acceptance, humility, teachability, understanding the difference between individual and marriage work, vulnerability, and curiosity. These ingredients create a strong foundation for a relationship that can thrive despite the challenges. By embracing these qualities, couples can navigate their differences with grace and build a partnership that honors both their individual needs and their shared commitment to each other.
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