Escaping C.H.A.O.S. to Share the Mental Load in Your NeuroDiverse Marriage

By Jeremy Rochford

If we're being honest, being a part of a mixed NeuroType (Adhd/ADD/Autism) family can be a little chaotic. And sometimes, it can be a lot chaotic. When you factor in the differing schedules, day-to-day stresses, and overall special needs, it's no wonder that most marriages struggle to survive.

I understand.

I've been there.

My marriage was hanging by a thread.

But then I discovered a framework that actually helped my NeuroDivergent brain make sense of it all. It allowed me, the autistic, to take some of the mental load and responsibility off of my wife, the neuro-typical, which then allowed her to stop feeling so burnt out and under-supported.

I'll admit things were clunky at first. But the more I acted like a husband and less like "another one of her kids," the closer we grew as a couple. The closer we grew, the better our relational and physical intimacy became. The more we repaired our marriage, the better it became. Her needs were finally being met, and so were mine.

I want to share that framework with you now.

Its context started as more of a joke. Think of "Sometimes you've got to fight fire with fire."

But it's more focused.

Because, in our world, sometimes you have to fight CHAOS with C.H.A.O.S.

• C- Communication

• H-Helping on the Other Person's Terms

• A- Accommodating while Advocating

• O- Opening Up to New Experiences

• S- Systematize Where Possible.

Let's break this down.

Communication

Far too often, my Autistic/ADHD mind either would jump to conclusions about what my wife wanted or would get distracted mid-sentence. Either way, what she needed and what I thought she needed were often misaligned. When I finally slowed down my impulsivity, I was finally able to be present enough to hear what she was saying and listen.

This set me up for success so I could do what she needed my help doing.

Helping (on the Other Person's Terms)

It wasn't until I saw it through the eyes of my Autistic children that I was able to see it through the eyes of myself. I'd ask my kids to do something. They wouldn't follow instructions. I'd have to then not only do what I asked them to do but also undo what they did by thinking they were helping. So, what should have taken me no time was now taking me twice the time.

Imagine my surprise when my wife experienced the same thing.

Far too often, those on the spectrum have a very black-and-white or rigid way of thinking. This affects the way we do things, and sometimes, when we "help," we do it on our terms—not the terms of the person asking. This doesn't provide the result they're looking for, which, in essence, isn't helping.

That's why it's essential to provide help in the way the person needing it has asked for it.

This is why communication comes first in the framework: so we can listen, be present, and not only know how to help but also what is needed to bring it to life.

Part of helping, though, can be a challenge.

That's why finding the balance in the next part of the framework is essential.

Accommodating while Advocating

Sometimes, to help, we (the NeuroDiverse) put ourselves at risk for potential sensory overwhelm and dysregulation. While that is true, all it means is that we plan ahead so we can be at our best when we need to be.

If a serious conversation is needed, it should still happen. However, it should be planned when all parties are regulated. If a NeuroDivergent spouse needs to help with the kids, certain accommodations, such as earplugs or gloves, should be considered. If timely follow-through is required, the appropriate number of applicable reminders should be thought out and applied.

Regardless of where someone falls on the spectrum and what their own needs are, the thought process for a healthy and happy marriage is to focus on not only what we can do but also how we can do it.

Which, for many of us, would lead to a new experience.

And, so, we need to be open to it.

Open to New Experiences

I know there are some, perhaps many, who are reading this and thinking, "But Jeremy, NeuroDivergent people don't like new experiences. They/We are rigid and crave structure, routine, and predictability." To that point, you're right. However, what is also true is that every single preference, routine, and special interest once started as a new experience.

I'd like you to read that again because I don't want the profoundness of its simplicity missed.

"Every single preference, routine, and special interest that a NeruoDivergent person has once started as a new experience."

I wasn't born loving coffee.

I didn't grow up in a place that had frozen ponds or rivers (to develop my love for hockey).

I wasn't from a mechanically inclined family (so there is no explanation for my love of NASCAR).

All of these things, things that I obsess over, that the NeuroDivergent person in your family obsesses over, all started as a new experience.

This then begs the question: If we're able to do it for self-interest, why stop when it comes to the interests of others that we love? Once you're open to new experiences, what is beneficial and very rewarding is that once mastery occurs you can then…

Systematize (Where Possible)

We have become massive fans of a family calendar in our house. It allows us to know when and where the kids need to be, coordinate carpooling, and avoid overbooking clients. The calendar system has genuinely helped us overcome the "CHAOS."

Furthermore, having a system where "the pants can't climb the wall" has helped the kids know when to remove the dirty laundry from their room. Likewise, it has helped Dad know when to do it as well, not only for the sake of taking some of the mental load off of my wife but also as a way of modeling what needs to happen so the children can grow up with a normalized sense of shared responsibility. The more we can all help in our own way, the better the family unit becomes and the easier for parents to connect. In short, this framework changed our marriage and, essentially, our lives.

Not overnight.

Not perfectly.

But steadily and sustainably.

It helped me go from "another one of her kids" to a true partner.

It helped her go from burnt out to supported.

And it gave our family peace we didn't think was possible.

That's why I wanted to share it with you—to show you that you don't need to become someone you're not. You just need a new way to fight the chaos, one step at a time.

Because your family isn't too different to be happy.

You just need a roadmap that gets how your brain works—and honors how your heart loves.

If you would like to learn more about us or get in touch, visit www.NeuroFam.com or Jeremy@NeuroFam.com.