Autism and Covert Narcissism in Relationships: 8 Real-Life Examples
- Dan Holmes
- May 9
- 10 min read
Reprinted Blog with Permission: Jodi Carlton, MEd
August 21, 2024
As a relationship expert specializing in neurodiversity, I’ve encountered a growing need to help people distinguish between autism and covert narcissism in partner relationships. While both covert narcissists and autistic individuals struggle with interpersonal interactions, their motivations and underlying behaviors are vastly different. In this article, I will give specific examples from partner relationships to highlight how covert narcissism is driven by a hidden sense of superiority and entitlement, often manifesting in manipulative and self-serving behaviors. Whereas, autism is characterized by genuine challenges with social communication, empathy, and emotional regulation, often stemming from neurological differences rather than a desire to control or manipulate. Understanding these distinctions is crucial for identifying key differences between covert narcissism and autism in your own relationship.
Self-Esteem and Insecurity
Covert Narcissist Examples:
Covert narcissists constantly use others to feel important, often disguising themselves as altruistic through involvement in charitable causes. Although they may appear to be compassionate and kind, other behaviors usually indicate that recognition and esteem is at the root of their endeavors.
They might frequently express self-doubt and insecurity, or make self-deprecating comments in order to fish for compliments and praise. Covert narcissists may be jealous when others receive recognition or praise, and may even sabotage partners from achieving success.
Autistic Examples:
Social Anxiety: They may feel insecure and uncomfortable in social settings due to difficulties reading social cues or frequently misunderstanding others and being misunderstood. This may result in avoidance of social interactions – even tasks like important phone calls for doctor appointments or about utility bills.
Literal Interpretations: Autistic individuals may take differences of opinion, or requests for behavioral changes, as accusations of being “wrong” or “bad.” This is due to a difficulty with cognitive empathy (also called ‘theory of mind’), which leads to poor understanding that other perspectives exist due to different needs and experiences.
Victim Mentality
Covert Narcissist Examples:
Blame-Shifting: Frequently blaming others for their problems and failures while never taking responsibility for their actions. Exaggerating past hardships or claiming that others have repeatedly mistreated them. Past relationships that have failed are often blamed on an ex’s abuse or neglect.
Extreme sensitivity to criticism: “Flipping the script,” to become the victim when a partner provides constructive feedback or expresses feeling hurt by the narcissist’s words or behaviors. They may say things like “I can never do anything right,” “Why don’t you notice all the good things I do?,” “I’m just a total screw up,” or, at the most extreme may threaten suicide.
Autistic Examples:
Blaming a partner for confusion or misunderstandings when they feel unjustly accused of being wrong or intentionally hurtful. Instead of investigating the misunderstanding with curiosity, an autistic partner may shut down the conversation without openness to differing opinions.
Blaming a partner for a meltdown or shutdown when experiencing sensory overload, cognitive flooding, or emotional overwhelm, particularly if an autistic individual has poor self-awareness and doesn’t recognize increasing anxiety or distress.
Passive-Aggressiveness
Covert Narcissist Examples:
Silent Treatment: They may use this tactic to punish or control others without having to address the issue. The silent treatment is used to create emotional distress, fear, and uncertainty in a partner This is different from an autistic shutdown which is necessary to recover cognitive functioning and emotional stability.
Backhanded Compliments: Covert narcissists might offer compliments with an underlying insult, undermining the recipient’s confidence. “Oh, I like your new haircut! It’s much better than that hack job you had before” or “The lawn looks good this time–looks like you figured out how to use that new mower.”
Autistic Examples:
Direct Communication: In contrast to covert narcissists, autistic individuals usually prefer clear and direct communication, and may struggle with understanding the hidden meaning of passive-aggression. Therefore it is less likely for an autistic individual to be passive aggressive and more likely for them to completely miss a partner’s passive aggressive comments or behaviors.
Unintended Offense: Autistic individuals might make comments that seem like passive aggressive jabs, but usually the intent of the comment is literal and not meant to harm. An autistic husband who announces that a blueberry pie brought over by a neighbor is the best he’s ever tasted not realizing that his wife who also makes blueberry pies may feel minimized and hurt.
Empathy (Cognitive, Emotional, and Compassionate)
Covert Narcissist Examples:
Feigned Empathy: A covert narcissist might say, “I’m sorry you’re upset, but stop worrying–I did what is best for us.” This statement appears empathetic to the partner’s distress, but actually shows little genuine concern for the partner’s feelings. Instead, it reinforces the narcissist’s own control and agenda. In another example, a covert narcissist might say, “I can imagine how tough it must be for you, but you know, everyone has their struggles,” and quickly redirecting the conversation to their own issues, subtly implying that their own challenges are more significant.
Manipulative Sympathy: A covert narcissist might express manipulative sympathy by saying, “I understand you’re upset about what’s going on at work, but I’ve got big problems in my own job. It’s hard enough dealing with my own issues without adding yours to the mix. So, if you keep dwelling on this, I’m going to spend the evening on my own tonight.” This statement seems sympathetic but is designed to pressure the partner into suppressing their emotions and to prioritize the narcissist’s needs over their own.
Autistic Examples:
Cognitive Empathy: An autistic partner might struggle with cognitive empathy if their partner is upset about a missed anniversary celebration. The autistic partner may have difficulty understanding why the missed event is so significant to their partner, focusing instead on the logical reasons behind their actions (such as forgetting due to a busy schedule) rather than grasping the emotional impact. They might respond with, “I don’t see why this is such a big deal; it was just one day,” which shows an inability to fully appreciate the emotional significance of the event to their partner.
Compassionate Empathy: An autistic partner might struggle with compassionate empathy if their partner is going through a personal crisis, such as a family member’s serious illness. While the autistic partner might intellectually understand that their partner is in pain and might offer practical support, they could find it challenging to provide emotional comfort. For example, they might say, “I know this is hard for you, and I’ll help however I can,” but may not offer the kind of emotional reassurance or personal connection that their partner needs, such as a comforting touch or empathetic words. Their focus might remain on addressing practical needs rather than providing emotional solace.
Envy and Resentment
Covert Narcissist Examples:
Subtle Undermining: If a partner shares a recent accomplishment, such as a promotion at work, the covert narcissist might say, “That’s great! I know you’ve been hoping for that, but it’s not like you’ve won a big award or anything, so I wouldn’t go around bragging about it.” This seemingly benign comment belittles the partner’s achievement and shifts the focus away from their success, subtly undermining their self-esteem and creating doubt about their worth.
Comparisons: A covert narcissist might express envy and jealousy by making comparisons that highlight their perceived superiority or victimhood. For example, if their partner receives praise for a successful project at work, the covert narcissist might say, “I wish I could get that kind of recognition, but of course, I’ve always been overlooked. I do all the hard work, and no one ever notices.” This comparison not only shifts the focus to their own grievances but also subtly undermines the partner’s success by suggesting that the narcissist’s own contributions are more deserving of attention.
Autistic Examples:
Social envy: An autistic partner might feel envious of their partner’s connected relationships with the children and other family relationships. They might express, “I see how the kids interact with you. I wish I could connect with them, but I always feel left out and awkward.” This response reflects their feelings of envy about their partner’s ease in connecting with the kids and their own challenges in relating to them.
Fairness Concerns: If their partner receives praise and recognition from friends and family, the autistic person might say, “I work just as hard, but I never get the same kind of recognition or attention. It’s like my efforts don’t matter as much.” This statement reflects their envy of the partner’s recognition and their sense of being overlooked or undervalued. They might express frustration over perceived unfairness but aren’t likely to act out of spite or malice to sabotage or bring down their partner.
Grandiosity (In Disguise)
Covert Narcissist Examples:
Hidden Arrogance: A covert narcissist might demonstrate false humility with hidden arrogance in their relationship by saying, “I know I’m not the easiest person to be with, and I have so many flaws. Fortunately, I always end up keeping everything running smoothly in our relationship. Not everyone can handle the pressure like I can.” This statement pretends to acknowledge their shortcomings while subtly asserting that they are the indispensable, stronger partner, thereby seeking validation and reinforcing their superiority in the relationship.
Entitlement: A covert narcissist might say, “I understand you’re busy, but after all I do for you, it’s only fair that you be available when I need you. Am I not a priority to you?” This reflects their belief that their needs should take priority over their partner’s, expecting special consideration and immediate attention, regardless of the partner’s own responsibilities or needs.
Autistic Examples:
Lack of Reciprocity: An autistic individual might talk extensively about their own interests or skills, and may not think to ask a partner about their day or their own interests. This is not from a desire to take priority over a partner, but is due to difficulties with the social skill of reciprocity – a balanced exchange of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that create a “give and take” dynamic between partners.
Literal Thinking: Autistic individuals often express themselves honestly, which might come across as boastful of their high degree of knowledge or skills, but is not intended to elevate themselves over others. Autistic individuals are not likely to exaggerate or guilt a partner into prioritizing themselves for the purpose of feeling more important than their partner.
Emotional Manipulation
Covert Narcissist Examples:
Gaslighting: In a couple’s relationship, a covert narcissist might gaslight their partner by denying something they said or did, making the partner question their own memory or perception. For example, if the partner confronts them about a hurtful comment made during an argument, the covert narcissist might respond with, “I never said that. You’re imagining things, or you’re just too sensitive. You always twist my words.” This tactic causes the partner to doubt their own reality, making them feel confused and insecure, while the narcissist avoids accountability and maintains control.
Love Bombing: A covert narcissist might engage in love bombing by suddenly pouring on affection, attention, and praise after a period of emotional distance or conflict. For example, after being emotionally unavailable or critical, they might suddenly start saying things like, “I don’t tell you enough how much I appreciate everything you do. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me,” while planning a surprise weekend getaway or buying an extravagant gift. This sudden surge of affection is intended to erase previous tensions and re-establish control by making the partner feel valued and adored, even though it’s a calculated effort to keep the partner emotionally hooked and to divert attention from the narcissist’s prior neglect or manipulation.
Autistic Examples:
Lying: An autistic partner might lie to avoid upsetting a partner or to avoid conflict by saying they’ve completed a task or handled a responsibility when they haven’t. For example, if their partner asks if they’ve paid an important bill, they might say, “Yes, I took care of it,” even though they forgot or were overwhelmed by the task. This lie is a way to avoid the immediate stress of admitting a mistake or facing potential conflict, but it can lead to bigger issues later when the truth comes out. Although the intent may be to minimize anxiety or avoid confrontation, this behavior can manipulate the situation by temporarily deflecting the partner’s concerns and postponing an inevitable discussion about the underlying problem.
Avoidance: An autistic individual might unintentionally engage in emotional manipulation if they struggle with understanding or expressing emotions effectively. For example, if they feel overwhelmed by a disagreement, they might say, “I can’t handle this right now; if you keep pushing me, I’ll just shut down completely.” While this statement reflects their genuine difficulty with processing intense emotions, it might inadvertently pressure their partner to back off or avoid addressing important issues to prevent the autistic partner from becoming overwhelmed. This can create a dynamic where the partner feels they must constantly walk on eggshells to avoid triggering distress, even though the autistic person’s intent is not to control but to manage their own emotional limits.
Withdrawal and Isolation
Covert Narcissist Examples:
Refusing support: A covert narcissist might use withdrawal and isolation in a partner relationship by suddenly becoming distant and emotionally unavailable during a time when their partner seeks support or connection. For instance, if their partner is going through a stressful period and needs comfort, the covert narcissist might respond by withdrawing, spending excessive time alone, or becoming unresponsive, saying things like, “I need space right now; I can’t deal with your problems on top of mine.” This behavior isolates the partner, making them feel abandoned and unsupported, while the narcissist avoids addressing the partner’s needs or engaging in meaningful emotional support. The withdrawal serves to manipulate the partner’s emotions, fostering feelings of guilt or inadequacy for needing support and reinforcing the covert narcissist’s control over the relationship dynamic.
Stonewalling: Another specific example of how a covert narcissist might use withdrawal and isolation in a partner relationship is by suddenly becoming non-communicative after a disagreement. For instance, if the partner expresses frustration about a recurring issue, the covert narcissist might respond by giving the silent treatment, avoiding meaningful conversation, and spending long periods alone in another room. They might say, “I’m too tired to talk right now,” or “I just need some time to myself,” while intentionally ignoring calls or messages. This tactic isolates the partner, creating a sense of emotional abandonment and making them question if they are being too demanding or unreasonable, while the narcissist uses the silence to maintain control and avoid addressing the underlying issues.
Autistic Examples:
Sensory Overload: An autistic individual might withdraw and isolate due to sensory overload. For example, they might seek refuge in a secluded room or go for a walk alone to escape sensory stimulation such as noise, lights, smells, or voices. This withdrawal is a self-protective measure to manage the overwhelming sensory input and is not intended to isolate or reject their partner, but rather to regain a sense of calm and reduce sensory stress.
Social Challenges: An autistic individual might avoid social interactions that they find stressful or confusing. For example, if their partner wants to attend a large social event, like a party with many guests, the autistic individual might feel overwhelmed by the social demands and the need to engage in small talk. They might prefer to spend the evening alone. This withdrawal is a way to manage their anxiety and discomfort related to social interactions, rather than a reflection of their feelings toward their partner.
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