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Breaking Fear Bonds in Yourself and Marriage

  • Writer: Dan Holmes
    Dan Holmes
  • 9 hours ago
  • 4 min read

Dr. Stephanie C. Holmes

In the journey of spiritual growth and personal transformation, understanding the dynamics of our emotional bonds is crucial. Dr. Jim Wilder's works, particularly "Living from the Heart Jesus Gave You," delve deep into the concepts of fear bonds and love bonds, offering insights into how these bonds shape our relationships and spiritual maturity.

Understanding Fear Bonds and Love Bonds

Our connections with others are profoundly influenced by the nature of our emotional bonds. Dr. Wilder identifies two primary types:

  • Fear Bonds: These are formed through negative emotional experiences, often rooted in pain, threat, or trauma. They create neural pathways associating certain individuals or situations with feelings of fear, anxiety, or insecurity. Relationships dominated by fear bonds are characterized by distrust, defensiveness, and distance.

  • Love Bonds: Conversely, love bonds are established through positive emotional experiences that foster feelings of safety, trust, and affection. They activate neural pathways associated with reward and pleasure, facilitating deeper connections and emotional intimacy.


From Love Bonds Vs Fear Bonds from Living From the Heart: Questions to ask if you have fear bonds? Is your neurodiverse relationship

  • Based on fear and characterized by pain, humiliation, desperation, shame, guilt and/or fear of rejection, abandonment, or detrimental consequences?

  • Bond is avoidance driven (I bond to avoid pain).

  • Fear bonds only grow stronger by moving closer or by moving farther away (I feel safer the further you are from me).

  • We cannot both share positive and negative feelings. 

  • Participants on only one end of the bond gain advantage from the relationship; the bond inhibits the parties from being their true authentic Christ-like self.

  • Deceit and/or pretending are required.

  • Fear bonds increase restrict and stunt maturity and growth and keeping people from finding their true heart.

  • Fear Bonds operate from the back of the brain and governed by the thought, “How Do I get what I want/need?”



The Impact of Fear Bonds on Relationships

Fear bonds can significantly hinder authentic connections. They trigger defensive mechanisms that prioritize self-preservation over vulnerability, leading individuals to withhold their true feelings to avoid potential harm or rejection. This environment stifles open communication and escalates conflicts. A fear bond is not a secure or love filled joy bond.

Transforming Fear Bonds into Love Bonds

Dr. Wilder provides a roadmap for transforming relationships from fear-based to love-based:

  1. Self-Awareness: Reflect on your emotional responses and patterns in relationships. Identify moments of fear or defensiveness and explore their origins.

  2. Mindful Communication: Practice active listening and respond without judgment. Cultivate empathy for yourself and others involved.

  3. Recognize Patterns: Identify recurring fear-based behaviors in your relationships. Recognizing these patterns empowers you to navigate them more effectively.

  4. Foster Emotional Safety: Create an atmosphere where feelings and perspectives are valued. Sharing vulnerabilities encourages trust.

  5. Gradual Exposure: Reintroduce positive experiences with individuals involved. This process allows new neural pathways associated with safety and positivity to form.

  6. Practice Gratitude: Focus on positive aspects of the bond and express appreciation. This shift can dilute the power of fear-based associations.

  7. Seek Professional Support: In cases where fear bonds have significantly impacted your ability to connect, professional support can be invaluable.

  8. Practice Patience: Changing fear bonds into love bonds requires patience, consistent effort, and a willingness to confront discomfort.

Implementing these steps can reshape the dynamics that govern our interpersonal connections, fostering environments of love, trust, and genuine engagement.

The Role of Community in Healing

"Living from the Heart Jesus Gave You" emphasizes the importance of community in the healing process. The authors present a vision where Christian communities, particularly churches, play an indispensable role in trauma recovery. They discuss how both the presence of negative events and the absence of positive experiences uniquely hinder a person's development. By understanding these dynamics, communities can support individuals in their journey toward healing and maturity.

Maturity and Spiritual Growth

The Life Model, as presented in the book, outlines stages of maturity—infant, child, adult, parent, and elder. Each stage has specific tasks essential for emotional and relational development. The authors highlight that trauma can disrupt this maturation process, but through intentional community support and personal growth efforts, individuals can progress toward a joyful identity.

Conclusion

Understanding and transforming our emotional bonds are foundational to personal and spiritual growth. Dr. Jim Wilder's insights provide practical steps to move from fear-based relationships to those rooted in love, fostering environments where individuals can thrive and communities can flourish.

From LifeModel trained coach, Amy Hamilton Glaser said about fear bonds, “Fear bonds shrink our potential because every fear limits actions. Fear is about self-preservation, but it preserves only a very limited identity. When we are willing to lose our fear-based self-preservation strategies, we will gain our true identity. This enables us to mature into the person God created us to be.” She continues, “Strong adult maturity means we consider the needs of others as well as our own; we know our strengths and weaknesses; we are open to feedback; we can be part of a group; we can stay relational and keep the relationship bigger than the problem.” Thus, we are open to seeing the gaps and growth and maturity. Therefore, while there are things we cannot do alone to break relational fear bonds, we can take steps in our own maturity to become more of our true Christ-like self. No matter our neurotype there is no pass from growing in the fruits of the Spirit to grow our Christ-like emotional, relational and spiritual maturity.


For a deeper exploration of these concepts, you might find the following discussion insightful:

In the month of June, we will be diving deeper into Fear Bonds and Identity and LifeModel Works Topics.

June:

Amy Glaser Thompson: Break Fear Bonds

Jana. M. Smith, Barbara Grant & Dr. Holmes: Resiliency and PDA and Rejection Sensitivity

JTG: Does God Really Like Me? Dan & Geoff Holsclaw

Ed Khouri: Face of Grace

Courseys: Building Joy


References

Amy Hamilton Glaser. Lesson 6: Fear Bonds and Maturity: Impact and Solutions. Alive & Well.

 
 
 

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