Author: Nicole Mar (Pseudonym)
Interesting epiphany today. So as I stated previously, my AS spouse and I have communication challenges…well let’s be real. They can sometimes be more like explosions. We have some methods to improve our issues. What we don’t have is a real understanding of why talking to each other makes us both want to run away and never speak again. Today, my spouse asked me about my plans for the day. As is our song and dance as of late, I said, “Why?”
He said, “Because I want to know.”
I then said, “But why do you want to know?” Now let me interject; my plans were no secret, but I was trying to get to the point of his request. I was trying to make sense of it to understand the type of conversation we were having. Exasperated, he said, “I can ask a question.”
I responded, “Yes, but spitfire questions that have no purpose make no sense to me. You’re the only adult who asks me questions just for the sake of having asked a question. I hate interrogations.”
I’m sure some of you are sighing or laughing as you realize you likely also have had this kind of exchange with your spouse who is on the spectrum.
He responded, “I am asking because I have the right to interrogate you. I can ask as many questions as I want.”
This struck me.
When a colleague says, “So what are your plans this weekend?” I might respond, “Oh, I’m taking my children to a museum exhibit.” My colleague will then affirm what I’ve said with a response that might ask about the exhibit, offer assurance that my children will love it, or inquire more about it for personal reasons. In this conversation, I realize the purpose of asking is for social chit chat, and so I oblige.
Alternatively, my mom might call inquiring about my plans for the weekend. I will readily engage her. Why? Because I realize that she is conversing with me in order to make a request, offer to join us, or even just to enjoy social chit chat.
When my husband asks me a question, there is no purpose. He is just doing an information exchange. In the past, when I have unwillingly answer, here is how the conversation has gone down:
Him: “What are you doing today?”
Me: “I’m taking the kids to the museum.”
Him: “I want pancakes for breakfast.”
Me: “Did you hear what I just said? I’m taking the kids to the museum. Respond to what I just said.”
Him: “Oh. Okay.”
Me: “Well…”
Him: “I said, “oh okay.””
Me: “That’s not a response! Why would you even ask me, if you don’t really care?”
Then he’d angrily get up, grab his jacket and keys and lunge for the door to get those pancakes sans his family. Ugh.
So what actually happened this morning? Knowing our routine and not being in the mood for a shutdown, I answered, prepared for the “no-response.” Pleased with the ease of the transaction, he then smiled and went out to my car to vacuum it out. What a sweetie. What a nice surprise. Yet, cleaning out my car had no relevance to what I’d said. There was no conversation. There was an emptiness in the lack of sharing for me, but I chose to focus on how he responded in a way that he could show his love.
Later this same morning, we sat down to breakfast. To have a conversation, we read a devotion and talk about it. It’s enjoyable for the entire family, so it’s become a routine. During the “walk it out” part of the devotion, my husband shared how the lesson was applicable to someone else and how that person needed to change. I was amazed by this since he has the same challenge, so I asked him if he felt that he planned to make a change. He said, “I was answering the question. Why can’t I live in a house where I can just talk?”
Cue the final epiphany. At that moment, it became clear to me that for my husband, talking about theoretical things is only about putting information into the atmosphere. It isn’t about personal reflection, growth, or support. But for me, that’s exactly what it’s about.
You see, we butt heads because I’m trying to get to his heart, to feel connected, to feel inspired. He, on the other hand, is sharing words. Of course, this differs if he is talking about rules or instructions.
Today, I realized a reason why our communications can fall apart so easily and cause a lot of unnecessary crazy making.
With a little polite forward movements during the rest of breakfast, we ended up having a good morning that culminated in him giving me a hug. We got one step closer to understanding each other, and no one ate breakfast alone.
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