Differences in Recall: How do you know? The Disagreement That Existed in Two Different Realities: Part 3 of Why Siloed Work Doesn’t Work

Why Siloed 1:1 Work- Doesn’t Work!

Author: Dr. Stephanie C. Holmes, Certified Autism Specialist

I hope that in this series, I have laid the foundation for the position that 1:1 work cannot be done in a silo without context. If you have not been following the series, number 2 in the series on autobiographical memory/narrative would be a helpful read first.

Truth vs. Accuracy: Autobiographical Memory Recall in Coaching

One couple I worked with, let’s call them Bob (autistic husband) and Sally (neurotypical wife), taught me again how dramatically different two recollections of the same moment can be.

They repeatedly hit the same wall:

Bob said:

“Every disagreement is high conflict. She comes in enraged. I stay calm. I’m reasonable. She blows up.”

But Sally consistently said:

“I ask calmly and respectfully two or three times. But if I’m calm, he doesn’t even register it. He doesn’t respond until I’m emotional. Then he says I’m overreacting. I can’t win. If I’m calm, he ignores me. If I’m direct, he says I’m controlling. If I get upset, he says I’m irrational.”

They were living in two different movies about the same moments.

Time after time, the cycle repeated:

• She made reasonable requests.

  
  

• He didn’t process them as urgent or emotionally relevant.

  
  

• He perceived her third attempt as the first one.

  
  

• Her frustration felt to him like an “attack.”

  
  

• He recalled himself as calm when he was, in reality, escalating.

And neither could convince the other of their reality.

So I asked them to record their next argument.

They had a nanny cam. 

I gave simple instructions:

• Don’t analyze it at home.

  
  

• Don’t argue about what happened.

  
  

• Come to the next session with your version of the story.

  
  

• Then we will watch the video together.

Bob’s Recall (the ND husband)

He confidently said:

“I was minding my business, reading the paper. She came in enraged and demanding that I get up to deal with one of the kids. She was crazy, yelling, swearing at me. I stayed calm.”

Sally’s Recall (the NT wife)

Sally recounted something radically different:

• Bob had earlier asked her, “Remind me when it’s 30 minutes before soccer so I can transition.”

  
  

• So 30 minutes before departure, she gently reminded him.

  
  

• He gruffly waved her off: “I can keep track of time. Stop bothering me.”

  
  

• At 15 minutes, she checked again: “Are you taking him? Or should I? You haven’t gotten ready.”

  
  

• He got sarcastic, defensive, and accused her of “controlling” him.

  
  

• At 5 minutes, she was upset because now she would have to scramble to get their son ready and rush out the door.

  
  

• She was angry, yes, but not swearing, not unhinged, not “raging.”

We watched the nanny cam video together.

In 90% of details, the video matched the wife’s recall.

Bob turned red, seeing himself:

• escalating

  
  

• swearing

  
  

• becoming angry

  
  

• misinterpreting her calm reminders as attacks

  
  

• misremembering the timeline

  
  

• perceiving her initial tone differently from reality

Then came the painful moment.

Instead of relief that clarity had arrived, Bob said:

“This has to be tampered with. She manipulated it. That’s not how it happened.”

When I gently asked, given what we all saw, he owed his wife an apology, he replied:

“No. It’s still 50/50. We’re equally to blame.”

This is why siloed work fails. 

Not because autistic men are unwilling. 

Not because they don’t care. 

But because:

Their recall, interpretation, sensory processing, and emotional meaning-making differ so significantly that accurate relational mapping requires external input.

Without the NT wife’s involvement, Bob’s coaching would have gone fully in the wrong direction.

He would be “fixing” the version of the marriage he believed he lived in. 

Not the version his wife experienced. 

Not the version shown on camera. 

Not the version the coach needs to address.

This is why silo work simply cannot work.

And Here Is the Paradox: You are Tired and Can’t Do One MORE THING but….

The more you participate at the beginning…

…the LESS you will need to participate as the coaching progresses.

Your early involvement:

• equips the coach

  
  

• equips your husband

  
  

• aligns you as a couple

  
  

• reduces future misunderstandings

  
  

• accelerates  growth

  
  

• leads to quicker autonomy

  
  

• strengthens relational confidence

You are not enabling. 

You are opening the door to transformation.

The Role of Mentorship and Collaboration

If you and your spouse are working with separate coaches doing your 1:1 work, they need to collaborate!

Another difference in coaching, especially in our model at Autism Spectrum Resources and IANDCM, is that we work within a mentorship network. That means coaches can or should consult or collaborate with another neurodiverse-trained coach for supervision, case reflection, or guidance. We do this to protect the integrity of the work and make sure both partners’ neurotypes are being respected.

This collaboration isn’t a breach of privacy; it’s professional accountability. Just like medical doctors consult specialists, coaches sometimes need to connect with a mentor to ensure the best outcomes.

NOTE: I want to be clear that this series of blogs is not in any way to be a form of gaslighting of the AS/ND lived experience. This is not to say, “You can never believe the ND person.” There are incidents in the AS/ND person could, in fact, be the abused one in the relationship, or there is mutual trauma. This series is about arguing the point, 1:1 work, separate work is usually needed in the beginning, but it cannot be done in a silo! Coaches must be able to collaborate if the 1:1 work is meant to positively impact the relationship, even if you are not yet doing “couple” work.

Please read the entire series of February before you reach out!