Dan & Stephanie Holmes, Authors of Uniquely Us and NeuroDiverse Christian Couple
Continued from our last blog, we explore aspects of becoming Uniquely U!
Together Time vs. Self-Care: Finding Balance
One of the most common challenges in any marriage is finding the right balance between together time and self-care. For neurodiverse couples, this balance can be even trickier. One partner might need more alone time to recharge, while the other craves constant connection and quality time.
The key is to understand that both needs are valid and to find a rhythm that works for your unique marriage. As Paul said, “all things in moderation” and this includes special/passionate interests!
Strategies for Balancing Together Time and Self-Care
1. Establish Clear Boundaries: It’s important to openly discuss your needs for alone time and together time. Establishing clear boundaries allows both partners to feel respected and fulfilled. For example, set aside specific times for solitude and togetherness, ensuring that both needs are met without causing conflict.
2.Create Shared Rituals: While alone time is important, so is creating meaningful shared experiences. Develop rituals that allow you to connect, such as praying together each morning, going for a walk after dinner, or having a weekly date night. These rituals help reinforce your bond and provide opportunities to reconnect.
3. Respect Each Other’s Recharge Time: For neurodiverse individuals, alone time may be essential for emotional regulation and mental clarity. Respect your spouse’s need for this recharge time without taking it personally. On the flip side, if you are the one who needs alone time, communicate that in a way that reassures your partner that it’s not a rejection of them, but a necessity for your well-being. There should be some discussion and collaboration then agreement and not unilateral decision making about decompression time.
4. Incorporate Self-Care into Together Time: Find ways to practice self-care as a couple. This might include engaging in a shared hobby, exercising together, or even practicing mindfulness or meditation as a couple. By incorporating self-care into your relationship, you can strengthen your bond while also meeting your individual needs.
Self-Care: Caring for Your Mind, Body, and Spirit
Self-care is often one of the most neglected areas in marriage, especially when navigating the complexities of a neurodiverse relationship. Yet, caring for your mind, body, and spirit is essential to being able to give and receive love.
Self-care takes on a unique dimension in a neurodiverse marriage. One partner might struggle with sensory overload, anxiety, or depression, while the other may be dealing with burnout from managing household responsibilities. If you don’t take time to care for yourselves individually, it can become nearly impossible to care for each other effectively.
Strategies for Prioritizing Self-Care
1.*Make Time for Spiritual Growth: As a Christian couple, your faith is the foundation of your marriage. Prioritize your spiritual health by making time for prayer, Bible study, and worship, both individually and together. This will not only strengthen your relationship with God but also provide you with the spiritual resilience needed to navigate the challenges of marriage.
2. Address Mental Health Needs: Neurodivergent individuals may be more prone to mental health challenges such as anxiety or depression, but living with an undiagnosed partner may also create emotional or mental health challenges. . It’s important to recognize when these issues arise and seek appropriate support, whether through counseling, medication, or other therapeutic interventions. Supporting each other’s mental health is a key part of maintaining a healthy marriage.
3. Engage in Physical Activity: Physical health and mental well-being are closely linked. Incorporate physical activity into your routine, whether that’s taking walks together, practicing yoga, or engaging in a sport you both enjoy. Physical movement can help reduce stress and improve overall mood.
4. Practice Sensory Regulation: For many neurodiverse individuals, managing sensory input is a critical part of self-care. If you or your spouse struggles with sensory overload, create environments that promote calm and reduce overwhelm. This might mean having a quiet room in the house where you can retreat when needed or using calming strategies like weighted blankets, noise-canceling headphones, or aromatherapy.
The Unique Beauty of Your Marriage
At the heart of it all, your neurodiverse marriage is a unique expression of love, grace, and resilience. By navigating the challenges of executive function, social communication, and self-care, you are crafting a marriage that reflects both your individuality and your unity as a couple.
As a Christian couple, you have the added strength of faith, which reminds you that “two are better than one” (Ecclesiastes 4:9). Your marriage may not look like anyone else’s, but that’s because it’s not meant to. God has called you to a unique path, and by embracing that journey, you are becoming “Uniquely U.”
So, when the challenges come—and they will—remember that God has equipped you with everything you need to thrive. Lean on each other, lean on your faith, and trust that you are building a marriage that is beautiful, meaningful, and uniquely yours.
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Groups are available each semester!
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