Ten Years Post-Diagnosis: What Has Changed and What Has Not? Part 2: His (ND view)

By Greg Reller

This blog is a companion to one written by my wife Carol.  We thought it might help other ND marriages to see both of our views of the types of changes we have attempted to improve our marriage relationship.  I was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder Level 1 (ASD1 or Aspergers Syndrome) about 10 years ago and about 25 years after we were married.  

Like many in similar relationships (Uniquely Us-Gracefully Navigating the Maze of Neurodiverse Marriage, Chapter 3), I had accepted our old status quo, while Carol was beginning to despair and give up.  After my diagnosis, Carol gradually shifted from being constantly critical to figuring out how we could cope.  With significant help from our coaches, Carol and I realized that both of us needed to make changes.  This was because our old communication system was developed together without understanding my Aspie traits, and only by working together would we be able to learn mutually beneficial strategies to improve our relationship.

We have learned that while attempting to implement new communication strategies there is a need for additional grace to be extended by both parties to each other as changes are attempted.  As an example from my own walk, after diagnosis, my wife and I learned about overstimulation and realized how much this affected me in each area of my life.  She extended grace to me by accepting that when I was close to becoming overstimulated and I let her know, that we could leave a social gathering early, or I could withdraw from a crowded situation on my own.  She also will check in with me about my stimulation level.  These changes have allowed me to be active in managing my level of stimulation and prevent some of the negative consequences of my becoming overstimulated.  This also has required that I learn to perceive when I am becoming overstimulated, a practice that has led to me becoming aware of other feelings that may affect my relational competence.  This change and accompanying relationship improvements began within a few months of my late-in-life diagnosis and was direct evidence to me that Carol wants what is best for me.  This change has resulted in fewer shutdowns by me, and brought us closer through experiencing how when we collaborate we can make things better.

An area of change that turned out to be easy to begin implementing after I learned about it (several years after my diagnosis) was to become approachable by Carol and others when I am focused on doing something (completing a task, reading a book, doing just about anything).  I spent most of our pre-diagnosis relationship regarding Carol’s attempts to connect with me when I was doing something as an obstacle to be removed, as an interruption, as something to get through as quickly as possible so I could continue doing whatever it was that I was doing.  This state is identified as simple enemy mode by Wilder and Woolridge (Escaping Enemy Mode-How Our Brains Unite or Divide Us, Northfield Publishing 2022).  While in simple enemy mode my relational circuits are off leading to my less than exemplary reactions to Carol’s attempt at a connection with me.  I have learned that it is ok to stop what I am doing, pause and take a breath, and give Carol (and others) the attention they deserve and make a connection in those moments.  Then, after the connection is made, and when it is appropriate, resume whatever it was that I was doing.  If only I did this every time, unfortunately I remain prone to occasional backsliding.

Other things that I continue to struggle with include receiving feedback without feeling criticized, expressing my feelings in any given situation, and real time processing in conversation. 

Receiving feedback remains an ongoing challenge for me.  I have improved through greater understanding of feedback-what it is, techniques for receiving it, and remembering that most feedback providers are seeking to make something better and this is different from trying to criticize me.  Nevertheless, I remain a work in progress regarding receiving feedback, since my wife and I figured out that there were issues in our relationship related to feedback.

Expressing my feelings requires that I first identify them and know what they are.  I intellectually understood the meaning of alexithymia (challenge with identifying, understanding, describing, or processing my emotions) before I understood how it applies to me.  I am prone to mind blankness when asked “how does that make you feel?” It has taken years for me to learn how to identify what I am feeling, and then to express these feelings verbally in an appropriate manner.  I still get the verbal expression messed up sometimes and this sometimes causes confusion and relational stress between my wife and I.  

Related to my ability to express my emotions is my ability to process information.  My wife is an excellent conversationalist.  She verbally processes almost everything and seeks to connect with me via conversation any time we have been apart.  Sometimes I can sort of track with her across a topic or two, but after that, I am often confused.  This used to (and still can) create frustration and conflict between us.  I recently have figured out that my confusion is often related to how fast (in reality slowly) I process new information.  I am often thinking about topic 3 and what I think or how I feel about that as Carol is most of the way through topic 5 and this can lead to misunderstandings about what is being discussed and her perception that I am not paying attention.   Figuring out that I need more time has resulted in Carol having better understanding of our interactions and attempting to alter her expectations regarding how I should respond to her.

For Carol and I, learning about overstimulation and how to manage it resulted in some degree of relational improvement relatively quickly (a matter of weeks) after Carol and I started communicating about overstimulation.  Similarly, practicing approachability resulted in an immediate momentary connection each time I remembered to do it.  These quick wins also had the benefit of providing immediate positive experiences, shared by Carol and I, that subtly improved our relationship and gave us the ability to better withstand other stresses we were still working on.  Other areas remain challenging (for me feedback, expressing emotions, and prolonged conversation on multiple topics) yet have resulted in gradual improvements to our relationship as I have become aware and practiced at increasing my competence and as Carol has come to understand that these are areas affected by my brain wiring.  

Some of the ways my Aspergers manifests itself include struggles with fact-dumping as compared to making a thoughtful response to what my wife was saying; struggling to understand emotions in real time; wrestling with real-time processing of input; learning to accept that while my intentions may have been good the effects or impacts of my words/actions may have been different than what I expected; and becoming interruptible (even when finishing a task!).  My Aspie traits and Carol’s reaction to them resulted in years of negative impacts on our marriage relationship, and continued work in these areas has resulted in significant relational improvements.

Your relationships may have these and/or other areas for improvement that require change.   The main idea is to figure out what needs to change to improve your relationship, learn about this area, and try to implement strategies for the necessary change.  Then continue to practice the strategies to maintain a better relationship.  Maintenance is necessary to stay on a growth and relational improvement trajectory that can turn the changed behavior into good habits that become your new default, leaving you with the band-width to take on making additional changes to improve your relationship.  There is hope, we can make relational improvements through diligence and perseverance so long as each partner extends grace throughout the process. 

If you are interested in Uniquely US- you can find it here

https://www.christianneurodiversemarriage.com/uniquelyus