Guarding Against Bitterness: The Boundary of Detachment

Guarding Against Bitterness: The Boundary of Detachment

Barbara Grant, MMFT, NDCC, CAS

"Resentment (bitterness) is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die."

Saint Augustine of Hippo

(Note: For the purposes of this blog, I’ll be referring to the NT partner as “her” or “wife” and to the ND partner as “he” or “husband.” No exclusions or offense intended!)

It’s not uncommon that bitterness evolves in neurodiverse marriages. Because of the “double empathy” problem (where both partners fail to understand each other’s perspective) and difficulties with communication, problem resolution and repair fail to happen, often for years.

Overtime, emotional damage and estrangement result. A loss of trust in emotional connection can lead to a loss of physical intimacy – or what is worse, a wife may continue to perform “duty sex” for her husband due to a misguided understanding of what the Bible teaches about the marriage bed. Whenever a partner feels coerced or shamed into having sex, the resulting soul damage can be completely debilitating.

But how does emotional neglect lead to bitterness? The Bible says that “hope deferred makes the heart sick…” (Proverbs 13:12), which means that the prolonged delay of something hoped for can cause emotional and spiritual dis-ease. When years of frustrated expectations result in chronic disappointment, the wounded partner may not only become embittered towards their spouse, but they may become resentful towards God.

God created us in his own image (Genesis 1:27) and “he has put eternity into man 's heart” (Ecclesiastes 3:11). We were made to desire blissful, eternal relationship with the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. This union with the Trinity is the ultimate “secure” attachment we all crave, and our desire for it begins on earth. Our need for secure attachment is real, and attachment wounds can start very early in life. Partners who become insecure or “anxious” in their human attachments are particularly traumatized by feelings of emotional loneliness and abandonment.

Research shows that in neurodiverse marriages, many neurotypical spouses report this kind of anxious attachment, resulting in a deep sense of emotional betrayal by their ND spouse. The wife feels a lack of recognition and emotional validation from her partner, and in an attempt to rectify this, she finds herself chasing, pleading, demanding or weeping – all with no favorable impact. In fact, such behavior often only alienates her “avoidant” husband even more. If the wife hardens her heart and backs away, her neurodiverse husband may not notice or mind the additional space she is providing him, and he is not likely to interpret her distance in an emotionally painful way. What results is a standoff, ending in a stalemate.

Proverbs 4:23 tells us to keep our heart “with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life,” and Hebrews 12:15 says, “See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that

no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.” For Christ-followers, bitterness is a soul-threatening. If we are struggling with bitterness, we are exhorted to confess this sin and repent. But how can we stop feeling resentful when our partner keeps neglecting our needs?

Boundaries can help. Setting a boundary means we are delineating what is within our ability to control, and what is in another’s. In healthy, and not co-dependent relationships, this means we are need to be responsible to others, but not for them. Setting boundaries to protect against damaging behavior is essential for relational integrity. But it’s not possible to set a boundary that can change someone else’s behavior. We can only change our own, and while praying for change is good, prayer alone will not heal a wife’s bitter heart.

An important boundary we can set on ourselves (and on our habit of bitterness) is that of rehearsing a new habit: “Detaching in love.” Detaching doesn’t mean hardening one’s heart and distancing, ignoring. or denying the realities of the relationship. It means the opposite: admitting the realities, accepting them, and building a good-enough life, despite them. Leslie Vernick describes what healthy detachment can look like:

“Detaching” is “to stop ‘needing’ anything from him for you to be okay, and for you to get and stay safe and strong….To detach means you let go of your expectations (hopes) of him being who you want him to be. Reality says people don’t change if they don’t want to change or make efforts to change. You accept (not like) he’s unwilling/incapable of meeting your needs for honesty, care, compassion, and connection. By detaching yourself, you no longer ask, expect, demand, hope, or wish that he will be different than he is. That he will show care. That he will stop lying. Or that he will suddenly “get it” and have empathy. Jesus says it best in Matthew 7:6 when he says, ‘Stop casting your pearls before swine because when you keep doing that, they will turn and trample you.’”1

In short, Vernick teaches that detaching is something you do for your own well-being— physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. It means accepting, without resentment, that your spouse will not meet some of your needs or desires. He may not acknowledge your pain, admit wrongdoing, or change his behavior. Detaching is not about ceasing to care for him; it is about letting go of expectations that he will care for you in the way you long for.

Here are some of the benefits of detaching: This shift allows you to stop pleading, nagging, or feeling crushed by rejection. Instead of banging on a locked door, we can “stop shopping for bread in a hardware store.” This conserves our dignity and peace and allows us to focus our energy on accepting what is. Detaching means we can choose to meet some practical needs— like meals, laundry, or sharing family information—but without hoping for emotional connection and reciprocity. We can find positive ways to connect trans-actually, instead of relationally.

When we shift the burden of our desire from our spouse to God, we awaken to deeper levels of our need and a greater hope (and expectation) for the Lord to fulfill them. In Ephesians 3:16-21, Paul prayed this prayer:

“I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.”

Wow. Imagine accessing that level of connection with God, in this life! This is the “rock” of faith we need to stand on if we are to learn to successfully detach in love.

Back to some practicals: If a husband notices something is going on and asks why you are detaching, you can decide whether or not to explain your feelings to him. If you do, find a way to calmly state your truth without justifying, defending or arguing. If he presses, you might ask: “Does it matter to you that I feel this way?” His response will show whether he is willing to engage safely—or not. If he pushes back with shame and blame, detach in love. Walk away, and go minister to your heart.

Detaching doesn’t mean you stop loving your spouse or that you begin planning to leave them. There may be many things that join your lives: finances, children, health insurance, etc. But it does means you accept your spouse as they are, and stop expecting them to change. You can let them go (and keep letting them go) by acknowledging they, too, are in God’s hands. Leslie Vernick says, “It’s ok to not like what is, but detaching helps you accept it and live with it in a more peaceful way.”

Here is a decades-old description of what “detachment” might mean:

To let go doesn’t mean to stop caring,

it means I can’t do it for someone else.

To let go is not to cut myself off,

it’s the realization that I can’t control another.

To let go is not to enable,

but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To let go is to admit powerlessness,

which means the outcome is not in my hands. To let go is not to try to change or blame another.

I can only change myself.

To let go is not to care for, but to care about.

To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To let go is not to judge,

but to allow another to be a human being.

To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own outcomes.

To let go is not to be protective,

it is to permit another to face reality.

To let go is not to deny, but to accept.

To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue,

but to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.

To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes.

To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone, but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To let go is not to regret the past,

but to grow and live for the future. To let go is to fear less and love more.²

References

1.     Vernick, L. (2025, January 29). Do I Tell Him I’m Detaching? https://leslievernick.com/blog/detaching-destructive-marriage/

2.     Anonymous Al-Anon-style “Detachment” poem, circulating by the late 1980s; earliest

documented print: Susan F. (1989, April). Let Go. A.A. Central Bulletin (Cleveland).