When Autistic Behaviors Mimic Addictive Behaviors

Marriage is a journey filled with joys, challenges, and opportunities for growth. For couples where one partner is autistic – and there is a history of betrayal – the relationship can sometimes be complicated by misunderstandings that go beyond typical marital hurdles. Particularly challenging for couples is when neurodiverse traits mimic or are misinterpreted as addictive behaviors or old addictive pattern ways. The similarities can lead to fear, frustration, emotional disconnection, and unmet needs, especially for spouses striving to understand their partner’s actions and reactions.

Neurodiversity is a term that recognizes and respects the natural variations in human brain function and behavior. Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) is one aspect of neurodiversity, encompassing a broad range of characteristics, strengths, and challenges. Autistic individuals often experience the world in ways that are profoundly different from those who are neurotypical. While no two autistic people are exactly alike, there are some common traits that can impact relationships, including:

·      Defensiveness: A heightened sensitivity to perceived criticism or demands, leading to protective reactions.

·      Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA): An extreme avoidance of everyday demands and expectations, often fueled by anxiety.

·      Misattunement: Challenges in reading and responding to others’ emotional cues.

These traits are not “problems” to be fixed, but differences to be understood. However, in the context of a close relationship, they can sometimes be confusing or distressing, especially when they resemble patterns seen in addiction.

Addictive behaviors are actions or patterns that become compulsive and difficult to control, often despite negative consequences. Traditionally, addiction has been associated with substances like alcohol or drugs, but it can also manifest as behavioral and relationship addictions, such as gambling, gaming, pornography use, love addiction, and infidelity. Some hallmarks of addictive behaviors include:

·      Compulsivity: A strong drive to engage in a behavior, sometimes to escape stress or discomfort.

·      Defensiveness: Reacting with anger, denial, or avoidance when questioned or confronted with a behavior.

·      Disconnection: Emotional withdrawal from loved ones, leading to relational strain.

·      Difficulty with empathy: Struggling to recognize or respond to the emotional needs of others.

These patterns can look remarkably similar to some autistic traits, which is why confusion and challenges are common in relationships where neurodiversity is present.

The overlap between autistic characteristics and addictive behaviors is not a sign that autistic people are more likely to develop addictions, but rather that the outward expressions of certain neurodiverse traits can resemble the patterns seen in addiction. For example, an autistic partner may become defensive when routines are disrupted or when faced with unexpected demands, much like how someone with an addiction might react if their behavior is questioned or challenged.

Consider a spouse who feels shut out when their autistic partner spends hours intensely focused on a special interest. This focus can feel similar to the “tunnel vision” of addiction, even though the underlying motivation is entirely different. While addiction is driven by a need to escape or cope, an autistic special interest often brings comfort, stability, and joy. Yet, to the unknowing partner, both may look like withdrawal or disconnection. When autistic traits mimic addictive behaviors, spouses can feel confused, hurt, or even betrayed. The emotional landscape of the relationship may shift, with increased feelings of isolation, frustration, and sometimes resentment.

Defensiveness is a natural response for many people, but in autism, it can be heightened due to sensory sensitivities, anxiety, and past experiences of being misunderstood. When a spouse makes a request—whether it’s as simple as asking for help or as significant as discussing feelings—the autistic partner may react with irritation, withdrawal, or even anger. This isn’t about resisting the relationship; it’s a way to protect oneself from overwhelming demands or perceived criticism.

PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) adds another layer of complexity. Individuals with PDA experience an intense, sometimes involuntary need to avoid demands, even those they place on themselves. This can look like procrastination, distraction, or outright refusal, and can be deeply frustrating for a spouse who interprets it as neglect or lack of care. The resulting cycle—spouse requests, autistic partner avoids, spouse pushes, autistic partner escalates avoidance—can leave both feeling stuck and misunderstood.  This cycle can often make recovery attempts and ongoing sobriety a challenge for many neurodiverse individuals and lead to prolonged struggles.

So how can someone with autism and past betrayal recognize and overcome these challenges?  By being more emotionally attune.  Emotional attunement—the ability to read, understand, and respond to a partner’s feelings—is foundational to intimacy. Autistic individuals may struggle with this, not because they lack empathy, but because they can process social and emotional cues differently. They might miss subtle signals or respond in ways that seem “off,” leading their spouse to feel unseen or unimportant.  Therefore, it is really important for the autistic partner to ask questions and be open to receiving feedback from their spouse.  When their spouse expresses a fear or concern about a behavior – pause, take time to reflect on what is being said, and then share back with the spouse what was heard.  Being able to say, “I hear your fear that my disengaging is bringing up memories of past addiction, and I can hear that is hard.  Let me set this aside for a minute to focus on us so I can do this differently.”  While it may not look like this every time or be ‘perfect’, the important aspect is that there is an awareness of the behavior that leads to acceptance.  Once acceptance of how the behavior has an impact on the spouse, then the autistic partner can take action to respond differently and attune while expressing empathy.

To the autistic partner:  First and foremost, if your spouse is bringing up a concern, be in a place to listen and hear what is being said.  That may mean pausing what you are doing to give them your undivided attention or setting a time in the near future to circle back to hear their concern.  Many times, with neurodiversity the ‘logic’ of trying to understand or figure something out gets in the way of hearing the heart of your spouse.  Realizing with autism there is often a strong ‘demand’ tone or expression in your non-verbal that shows defensiveness and acknowledge it before it takes hold.  Express your desire for connection and how you recognize this is a difficult navigation for both you and your partner.

For the neurotypical partner:  Holding on to feelings of fear or mistrust can often only deepen those emotions.  Find ways to be able to share these hard feelings with your partner for them to work on meeting your needs.  If having a conversation is too challenging, consider writing a note for your partner to read and process.  This may be a way to give time in the conversation for them to hear your heart and respond differently

Kevin Meek serves as a Mentor at Living Stones Coaching, LLC and received an ASD diagnosis later in life. He works with neurodiverse men, including those with or without a history of addiction, providing support as they navigate the complexities of neurodiversity within relationships.