Beauty from the Rapids: Navigating Our Blended NeuroDiverse Marriage

Part 1 of 2

Guest Authors: Ginny & Tommy

Note: Listen up for when Ginny & Tommy will be guests on NeuroDiverse Christian Couples Podcast

June 3, 2003, started off like any other wedding day, full of emotions. Are we ready? Is that

doubt in my (Ginny) gut? Am I sure of this? I am standing before God declaring I will spend the rest of my life with this man (Tommy). For better or for worse, in sickness and in health, do we really know the depth of what that means? What could possibly go wrong? Nobody goes into their wedding day thinking that one day they may be considering ending it. Little did we (Ginny & Tommy) know what lay around the bend, and we had no idea how unprepared we were. Were we really ready to navigate this?

With God as our guide, I suppose we were. So we said I do, put our raft into the water, and began paddling. Matthew 19:6 So they are no longer two but one flesh. What, therefore, God has joined together let not man separate.

Our story started two years earlier, when I (Ginny), a shy introverted girl, and Tommy, a country boy who didn’t seem to know any strangers, met while on their individual jobs. We soon discovered we knew several of the same people but did not run with the same crowd. I (Ginny) was raised in the church, believed in God, doing my best was important to me, to be kind, generous, loving, loyal, but I was not always walking with God. Tommy knew there was a God, but he only went to church sometimes as a small boy.

He was kind, caring, a take it day by day kinda guy that loved his family and the lake life. Two

completely different worlds brought together by God. We rounded the bend into 2004, paddling along together and taking in the scenery of newlyweds. It didn’t take long for our married life to start going through some choppy waters. A blended family, I (Ginny), navigating being a stepmother and a new wife, Tommy trying to be a dad/co-parenting to his son, while navigating being a new husband and working full time. It seemed to be a lot.

We were going to church, but to say we lived God’s Word, and had Him as our guide, let’s just say we had a whole lot of growth to do in that area. By 2007, we had welcomed a blessing of a beautiful baby girl who was now a 2-year-old into our blended family. Tommy had begun to get involved in church. I followed a few years later due to being a stay-at-home mom, although our struggles began to heighten.

Over the course of the next 13 years, inconsistent patterns of irresponsibility, pain, hurt, lies,

breakdowns and breakthroughs would end up causing Tommy to lose his grip on his oar. When trying to communicate, an argument would always break out, and off course we went. Years of choppy waters became a rinse and repeat cycle of communication breakdowns, tantrums, shutdowns, lies, confusion, and moments I’m embarrassed to say that brought anger out of me I didn’t know I had. These cycles led us to change course, so we began counseling in 2011 to work on restoring trust. We did this for the next 12 years. Something I am so grateful for that Tommy was willing to do.

Philippians 1:6 And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring

It to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

Mild rapids turned turbulent with glimpses of hope surfacing from time to time. In those

moments of breakthrough, I could feel Tommy helping me row. It felt good, we felt strong to navigate through the rapids together to come through that and enjoy the calm waters as we took in the beautiful scenery of marriage, life, our kids, and our family. It felt incredible! We did that together! However, he would soon lose his sight and his grip again as we rounded the bend to find more patterns of selfishness, financial mishaps, pornography, lies, and manipulation. This then turned into shame, a shame that ran deep into his core. This was met with extreme resentment, unforgiveness, and complete devastation from me. My frustration and temper grew while his insecurities almost became unbearable. Something was missing. Something was off! Something we just couldn’t see.

We knew our raft was sinking. I was desperate and tired and just wanting answers. We started going to some marriage conferences and could feel the presence of God all around us. A presence we have never experienced before. Was this the missing piece?! The waters started getting a little smoother and the environment a little more peaceful. A welcome sense of calm and a newfound sense of hope, and a faith that couldn’t be explained.

When Tommy revealed a third time of pornography use I was yet crushed again. Even though there was some detachment from me this time. I responded with a calmness that didn’t make sense. In that moment, God had revealed to me the amount of pain and confusion Tommy was truly in. Sobbing and shaking uncontrollably, he fell out of the raft and went under. Wanting to end his life, the quick water sent him down a chute through some rocks. Me, desperate to save him I extended my oar. He had convinced himself that he deserved to be punished for the rest of his life, so he didn’t reach back.

I had come to a fork. Here I was, I was now that woman whose younger self had once said that if her husband ever betrayed her, I was out! This woman is me now. I now have a family. I have invested in this marriage. I’ve made a covenant with God. I made a vow to my husband. I had a choice to make. So I leaned in and gripped the oar as tight as I could, gritted my teeth, and started rowing by myself, hoping things would get better, hoping Tommy would change, and hoping Tommy could see I was not his enemy. The crushing hits with every wave were leaving me battered and bruised with questions. The why? The how could he? What do I even do with this?! I mean, I loved him, but did he really love me?

Why won’t he help me row?!

1 Corinthians 13:7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Sometimes, rowing the boat by myself seemed smoother. Navigating through the

whitewater all of a sudden didn’t seem as scary. It was still fast-moving water at times but it was in those moments that I realized that God had been guiding me this whole time. Through each passing cascade, I began working on forgiving Tommy for pornography use and the lies. At this time in my life, I found strength only God could have given me. My prayer life deepened. I stayed strong through my faith, a faith I was learning about in my spiritual growth. Surrounding myself with worship music and reading the occasional self-help book became my go-to. Looking at the positive in everything, even in my moments of weakness, became important to me. Divorce was not an option. Even though Tommy could not forgive himself, I could see something in him that no one else could see. I had this sense of peace that made no sense within me that, regardless of the pain, we were going to be ok. I began holding onto the faith that God would come through. Tommy eventually got back into the raft.

Desperate to patch the holes, he started seeking God too and started to help me row again. With God as our guide, He was starting to answer some prayers.

Revelation 3:20 Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and

opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me.

2021 brought big changes. One morning, as I sat at our kitchen table, I cried out to God and

, through tears, said to Him, “I can’t do this anymore!” I desperately needed God's help. I could no longer row this boat. I asked God,” What do you need from me?! What can I do for Tommy?” It was in that moment God said, “Love him where he is at.” Give me your pain, and trust me that I will take care of him.”  I started going to God’s word more and understanding it better. As much pain as I was in, my heart knew Tommy’s pain was greater. Once I turned my prayer into asking God to help change me to love Tommy through all this, my heart began to soften. In my breakdown, I had a breakthrough.

The next two years, although we were rowing, rowing in unison was not happening. We knew

God was guiding us this time, but we didn’t understand each other. Frustration was building again, and old patterns came back as we no longer heard each other over the sounds of the rushing waters. Now we are yelling at each other out of desperation to be heard, to navigate the rough waters. Missing cues, not following through, not remembering conversations, communication breakdowns, and complete shut-downs led me to paddling from both sides more often just to keep us on course. Left side, Right side, Left side, Right side. That still lingering question, what’s missing?! How can Tommy row one day and not the next? Tommy was physically in the boat, but mentally he was gone. What is all this?! My faith, now strong, allowed me to fully trust God to guide me, which led me in a direction I had to fully embrace. Keeping us on course by the strength of God, pure grit, endurance, and determination from me, we were set to figure this out together. Seeking again guidance and wisdom, neuropsychological testing was put on our course.

As we were sitting on the couch in December of 2023, we had no idea what lay ahead of us, that moment almost frozen in time. You hear the words, “after going over all the results, without a doubt, I’m giving you the diagnosis of autism level 1 with ADHD. Completely blindsided by this, but now we had the missing piece! The stress and turmoil, and having no idea what this even meant, sent Tommy into extreme shutdown. I (Ginny), remembering how faithful God is, turned toward Him and thanked Him.

2024- Autism, what is this? Tommy wrestled with this word for the next 12 months before

accepting his diagnosis. He continued therapy with his psychologist, something he knew he needed. I now had a word that would give me an explanation for over 2 decades of pain. A pain I now realized I would need to relive again, so I could find healing and understanding. So I gripped my oar yet once again and started paddling.

Isaiah 43:2, When you pass through the waters, I will be with you, and through the

rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire, you shall not be burned,

and the flame shall not consume you.