Author: Neurotypical Wife, Formerly a Missionary
Context: The author had written a previous letter during the therapeutic process, see Part 1.
This letter is supposed to be the good, the bad and the ugly. We definitely have many good things. The most amazing good things are our girls. They are precious gifts that we will forever share. Yet, from the very beginning, I sensed that something was off in how you could argue a point without me ever knowing what you really thought. I didn’t understand how you could be so good at arguing, justifying,rationalizing and excusing bad behavior or wrong actions, even bragging about those skills. I wondered why you accused me of not trusting you if I asked a question about something you did or said or wanted.You were always right which made me always wrong. I didn’t know why we couldn’t have a spiritual life together without you putting me down, arguing a point or dismissing my thoughts. I felt mistrust when you didn’t give me all the information about a situation or I knew that you were purposefully redirecting, playing dumb or not helping me when you could help me. I felt confused at how you could have me doing so many things for you while you did so few things for me. I felt lonely knowing when you were away in ministry, I wasn’t missed at all. It was awful to know that you didn’t like the sound of my voice saying your name.
I had no idea the cost on my inner self after years and years of sexual relationship without connection and real intimacy in the midst of these negative behaviors, words and neglect. The pressure to have sex was always present. It didn’t matter if I’d just had a baby “the doctors don’t really mean 6 weeks, there are other ways” or if I was sick or if we were traveling with the girls in the room with us. You expected sex as much and as often as possible. You have felt entitled because I am your wife that is my duty, and it was essentially taught that it was and you hold on to this belief that no matter the status of the relationship, sex is owed to you.
I was embarrassed when you weren’t prepared for services or events and frustrated when you needed me to come and get things ready at the last minute. I felt unappreciated when told that the things that I did were boring or basic, that everything needed to be replanned and redone anyway. I felt slapped when I walked off the stage from preaching and you said it was fine, just boring and not something you would do.I felt deeply hurt when Christmas programs or slides or presentations or events that I planned or taught or directed were never enough for you. I never felt good enough or funny enough or creative enough. I felt used when I was working on the things you should have been doing, plus all of our home life things, while you had fun in your hobbies or slept in or played games. I got angry and anxious and embarrassed knowing that I was covering for you or protecting you when your procrastination put burdens on others and kept your ministry from being all it could be.
Slowly, the bad started outweighing the good. The responsibilities that I was carrying in our parenting, schooling, moving, marriage, finances, medical, work, ministry, and leadership roles were crushing me.The intense amounts of things to do, remember, fill out, file, turn in, respond to, handle, plan, figure out, answer... it was all on me. Your emails and my emails. Your paperwork and my paperwork. Your job and my job... I did both. Your failure to engage until it was almost too late became a pattern that brought on incredible anxiety for me.
You always had an opinion but you never wanted to do the work. But the cost of that has been high for my physical, emotional and mental health. And as I got sick, lived with weird symptoms that hit at random times, sometimes just needing to sleep, you added the pressure of my presence being with you. I couldn’t sleep in on a Sunday. I felt guilty even telling you that I was too tired to do something. Even very sick, in bed, you would come in and ask about meals or laundry and when I was getting up. Asking for your help caused great anxiety because I didn’t know what your response would be, how sarcastic you’d be or what you’d say about my health. I often hear, “Is there a reason you can’t do it? Did you even try? Why was this so hard? Did you google it?”
As I took a close look at our real marriage, not the pretend one I created online and for our ministry, I realized it was life-taking, hurtful, exhausting, and lonely. I felt sad, broken, joyless and empty. I wish you’d have heard me. I wish you would have trusted me to speak into your life or challenge you in your faith or in our relationship. I prayed and hoped and prayed and hoped that you would see, hear and change. But I felt hopeless when you’d say this is how you are.
Now, I know that being autistic or having ADHD or coming from a traumatic family of origin does not exclude you from knowing God’s word, living by it, obeying him or having the fruit of the spirit in your life. You don’t get a pass on those things being seen in your life, at home and with other people. As a minister,you are actually held to a higher standard than those you teach.
I finally had to obey God’s call to stop. I had to obey Him or I was going to die. That might sound drastic but every alarm system in my body was screaming for me to stop.
I was so afraid to stop which is why it took me so long to obey. I knew that God was asking me to separate myself from you in ways that would be painful and hurtful and difficult. I knew that telling you no would make you angry and things would get worse. I knew that making you do your own work would cause incredible friction between us. I knew all of this. I was afraid to obey God because of your reaction and that was wrong.
Doing ministry together means that we are together in ministry, fulfilling our personal callings and living out our personal walks with God. It can mean doing things together but it means pulling our own weight and standing strong in our own call while helping, encouraging, challenging and praying for each other. As I unraveled the chaos with my counselor in fall of 2021, started medications, let myself take naps,forced myself to say no, to tell you no, to set boundaries and to learn more about our marriage, I realized how many behaviors you had that were emotionally abusive, manipulative, and crazy-making. I had words and labels and examples and research of what I’d been feeling and experiencing for so long.
I knew I had to be truthful to myself and truthful to you and to others about my experiences and feelings in our marriage. I could no longer pretend or paint a perfect picture that was not reality. I didn’t trust you to take care of me and I didn’t feel my heart was safe with you.
Over the years, I’ve realized that the stress of managing it all, navigating this marriage, for so long was such a huge stress to my body, a stress that was causing deep harm emotionally and physically. Then, I was challenged to make real boundaries and put them in writing which spiraled things even more. That’s when for you, I became a judge and jury and you became very angry by any boundaries placed on you. I sensed that you didn’t want anyone who knew the whole truth about you holding you accountable for your actions.
I can’t promise that reconciliation is possible for us or that I’ll want to continue fighting for us. That’s not a promise I can make today. I’m praying and I’m here but I don’t know what the outcome of our relationship will be. It isn’t the diagnoses that are an issue. It’s been your defensiveness and refusal to make changes or get help that continues to push me away. It’s your misunderstanding of God’s role in your life to be God, to help you, provide for you and equip you in your failures, weaknesses and humanness. I am not,can not, will not be god in your life.
Right now, I’m exhausted from the fight. I need peace and joy and love and good things. I’m trying to heal and learn about myself again. I’m rewiring my brain from the negative and hurtful words. I’m remembering my own likes and dislikes, my own ways of doing things. I’m learning to do what is mine to do and no more. I remember a younger me who was goofy, somewhat ditzy, and awkward but so independent, free and in love with life. A person who grabbed onto joy. I’m meeting her again. I’m letting her enjoy the things she loves again. I’m being my own imperfect, relaxed, boring self and loving it all. I’m slowly building my strength to exercise. I’m getting lots of sleep and taking lots of supplements. I’m diving deep into my relationship with Jesus, what he’s called and created me to do and just enjoying being myself in my faith. I’m thankful for this high road I’m on and thankful that I sense His presence with me. I have learned that having support from people who understand neurodiverse marriage and other wives who are in this same struggle as faith filled Christian women trying to figure this out and survive the process. I no longer am willing to allow the marriage to kill me for the purpose of saving a marriage. I am interested in being the person God made me to be, live life, and if we both do our work to become our best healthy selves rooted in a Christ-identity I am interested in that kind of Neurodiverse Christian marriage, but not one I have to fight to survive and lose the very person God has created and intended me to be.
If you would like to work with this author, please reach out. She is a coach now that works with wives and moms who are in missions/ministry.
Link to Part !
Hello author. I just want to say thank you for writing these 2 blog posts. I am a Christian ASD husband with a neurotypical wife. These posts spoke volumes to me about what I have to do to minister to my dear wife who is feeling neglected and unappreciated.
What a devastating letter. It's so sad that she was treated with such callous indifference.