Autism Burnout and the Holidays
- Dan Holmes
- 1 day ago
- 8 min read
Based on the transcript from an upcoming ND Couples- Coaches’ Corner with Dr. Stephanie, Barbara Grant, and guest, Dr. Mona Kay. The podcast will be released in December!
Author: Dr. Stephanie Holmes
Scenarios: ChatGPT
Introduction: Burnout Beyond Work
Burnout is a word most of us know well. Originally coined by German-born American psychologist Herbert Freudenberger in the 1970s, the term described the emotional and physical exhaustion experienced by professionals in high-stress roles. Over time, “burnout” has become shorthand for the depletion that comes from overwhelming demands, whether in caregiving, teaching, healthcare, or corporate life. We’ve heard about compassion fatigue, caregiver burnout, and professional exhaustion.
But there is a form of burnout that looks and feels very different, one that is less widely recognized but no less devastating: autism burnout. Unlike classic burnout, which is primarily tied to work, autism burnout extends far beyond professional life. It emerges from the constant effort of existing in a world designed for neurotypical people. The stakes are not just career satisfaction or job performance. Autism burnout can affect basic functioning, relationships, parenting, and health.
And perhaps no season puts more pressure on couples and families than the holidays. Travel, social gatherings, disrupted routines, financial pressures, and cultural expectations collide into the perfect storm for both autistic and non-autistic spouses. Without awareness, couples can easily find themselves spiraling into mutual burnout and relational strain. With awareness, however, the holiday season can be approached with compassion, adaptation, and healthier expectations.
This blog explores autism burnout—what it is, how it feels from both sides of a neurodiverse marriage, and how couples can navigate the unique challenges of the holiday season.
What is Autism Burnout?
Autism burnout is not just “being tired” or “stressed out.” It is a state of profound exhaustion and depletion triggered by prolonged demands that exceed capacity. Unlike typical burnout, which is generally tethered to work or caregiving roles, autism burnout can arise from multiple sources, including:
Masking: The effort to suppress autistic traits and “pass” as neurotypical in workplaces, families, and communities.
Sensory overload: The unrelenting toll of noise, light, crowds, smells, and other stimuli.
Transitions and changes: Even positive transitions (a new home, a wedding, a promotion) can overwhelm an autistic nervous system.
Living in an unaccommodating society: The daily micro-strain of navigating environments not designed for autistic needs.
Autism burnout may show up as:
Chronic exhaustion
Sudden loss of previously reliable skills (“They used to be able to do this—why not now?”). Spouse may say, “But there was a time they could do x,y,z, but now they can’t or won’t.
Increased sensory sensitivities
Reduced tolerance for daily responsibilities
Shutdowns or mutism (words disappear, communication halts)
Meltdowns (emotional overload erupting as yelling, crying, or lashing out)
Inability to sustain routines—sometimes to the point of being “out for the count”
In couples, autism burnout often causes deep confusion. The autistic spouse may feel guilt, shame, or frustration, but literally cannot push forward. Meanwhile, the non-autistic spouse sees behaviors that look like laziness, neglect, or rejection. Without a framework of understanding, both partners misinterpret what’s happening—and the marriage suffers.
The Autistic Spouse’s Experience
Inside the autistic spouse’s world, burnout feels like being drained to the very core. They may long to connect with their partner but lack the internal capacity to do so. Tasks that once felt manageable, such as making dinner, helping with homework, attending church, or even chatting at a family gathering, become overwhelming mountains.
Imagine a battery that doesn’t just need recharging overnight but has corroded and cannot hold a charge. That is what burnout feels like to many autistic adults.
Key experiences include:
Loss of skills. A partner may suddenly forget routines, lose words, or appear clumsy or “checked out.” This isn’t regression by choice; it’s the nervous system shutting down.
Shutdowns. Silence, withdrawal, or “disappearing into oneself.” These shutdowns may last hours, days, weeks, or even months. Words cannot come, no matter how urgently they’re needed.
Meltdowns. On the opposite end, overload may explode outward—throwing objects, yelling, or saying hurtful things. Afterward, many autistic spouses feel shame or horror at what happened.
Retreat as survival. Healing requires stepping back: less stimulation, fewer demands, more solitude. But retreat can be misread as abandonment.
During the holidays, the autistic partner faces amplified risks: noisy gatherings, bright decorations, disrupted routines, unfamiliar foods, crowded airports, and heightened social expectations. Even joyful traditions can tip the balance toward overload.
Inside, the autistic spouse often thinks, “I love my family. I want to participate. Why can’t I just do this?” The heartbreak of being misunderstood or misperceived as unwilling only deepens the despair. Or they may become even more detached or shut down, or rigid to conserve energy.
The Non-Autistic Spouse’s Experience
For the non-autistic partner, autism burnout can feel like living with a stranger. One moment, their spouse seems engaged and capable; the next, they are unreachable. The swing between functioning and shutdown creates a “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde” effect, which is confusing, destabilizing, and often frightening.
Common experiences include:
Loneliness and abandonment. When their partner withdraws into silence or mutism, the non-autistic spouse feels invisible and rejected. Attempts to ask, “What do you need? How can I help?” are met with silence or retreat.
Fear and hurt during meltdowns. Name-calling, yelling, or throwing objects can feel like abuse. Without understanding autistic burnout, many spouses believe they are living in an unsafe or loveless relationship.
Over-functioning. Out of necessity, especially with children, the non-autistic partner picks up more of the household and emotional load. What begins as compassion can become resentment. They have already been overfunctioning and carrying more mental load as an accommodation, and with burnout, they are taking on even more!
Cassandra Syndrome. Named after the mythical prophetess who was never believed, this describes the isolation and emotional starvation non-autistic spouses often feel. They crave connection just when their partner has the least to give. They reach out for help or support from friends and family, and are not believed and possibly even blamed for their spouse’s burnout.
During the holidays, the gap widens. While the non-autistic spouse may long for family traditions, festive gatherings, or emotional closeness, their autistic spouse may retreat further into solitude. The result is a painful paradox: one partner needing more connection, the other needing more distance.
The Relational Collision
This paradox creates a destructive cycle:
The autistic partner steps back to survive.
The non-autistic partner interprets that step back as neglect or abandonment.
The non-autistic spouse seeks more closeness.
The autistic spouse, already depleted, withdraws further.
Without intervention, this cycle can devastate a marriage. Misunderstandings multiply, mistrust grows, and both partners feel unseen. The autistic spouse feels blamed for something beyond their control, yet they cannot articulate it; the non-autistic spouse feels unloved and unsupported.
But reframing changes everything. When couples learn to recognize autistic burnout, the narrative shifts from “You don’t care” to “You can’t right now.” This reframing is not about excusing harmful behavior but about locating the true cause and finding compassionate ways forward.
Why the Holidays Make It Worse: Holiday Burnout!
The holiday season compounds the risk of burnout for both partners. Factors include:
Disrupted routines. Travel, guests, late nights, and time off school/work throw off predictable patterns.
Sensory overload. Crowds, noise, lights, smells, and constant stimulation can overwhelm autistic nervous systems.
Social pressure. Family expectations, cultural traditions, and “keeping up appearances” add stress to both spouses.
Financial stress. Gift-buying, travel expenses, and end-of-year costs weigh heavily, especially if burnout affects work capacity.
Comparison. The “perfect family holiday” ideal—fueled by social media—leads couples to push beyond their limits rather than adapt.
For neurodiverse couples, the holiday season often feels like a test. Without awareness and adjustment, it can tip both partners into mutual burnout. It creates competing needs which are not right or wrong for each spouse, but often for ND couples, less is more.
Practical Strategies for the Holidays
The good news: burnout can be navigated. Couples can approach the holidays differently, not by lowering expectations into despair, but by changing expectations to reflect what works for their family system. It may mean learning to advocate for what you need as a family with family and friends who do not understand your situation.
For the Autistic Partner
Know your limits. Decide in advance how many events you can attend, how long you can stay, and what environments are too much. Collaborate with your partner and then communicate those boundaries clearly to the extended family.
Schedule recovery time. Build in quiet days before and after major gatherings. Downtime is not optional—it is survival.
Prepare sensory supports. Noise-cancelling headphones, familiar snacks, weighted blankets, or a quiet retreat space can buffer overwhelming environments.
Use scripts. Short prepared phrases like, “I need a break,” or “I’ll rejoin in a bit,” make communication easier in stressful moments.
Hold on to essentials. Maintain sleep, nutrition, and self-care. Exhaustion, poor diet, and late nights only intensify burnout risk.
For the Non-Autistic Partner
Adjust expectations. Recognize your partner may not “show up” for the holidays in typical ways. Their absence or retreat does not equal a lack of love. If you still want to do extra things, this may mean you are willingly taking on more for your needs, yet doing so without harboring resentment for your spouse cannot do.
Avoid comparisons. Let go of measuring your family against “normal” families or your childhood traditions. Your marriage is not a community project—it’s your relationship.
Build your joy team. Lean on friends, extended family, or community for help with childcare, meals, or hosting. Don’t carry the entire load alone.
Finish your stress cycle. Walk, exercise, dance, laugh, and talk with friends. Regulating your nervous system is essential for resilience.
Negotiate priorities. As a couple, decide which traditions matter most this year and let go of the rest. One family dinner, one meaningful ritual, or a quiet holiday morning may be enough.
What This Might Look Like: When the Wife is Autistic
Sarah and Michael had planned to drive six hours to spend Christmas with Michael’s extended family. Sarah, who is autistic, dreaded the trip but didn’t want to disappoint anyone. By the time they arrived after a long drive, loud kids, and a whirlwind of greetings, she felt completely depleted.
At the family dinner table, Sarah suddenly went silent. The conversation buzzed around her, but she couldn’t find words. Michael tried nudging her into the conversation, but she only grew more withdrawn. Later, when he pressed her about “being rude,” Sarah erupted in tears, yelling that she “just couldn’t take it anymore.”
Michael was hurt and embarrassed, wondering why his wife seemed so warm at home but so cold in front of family. Only after learning about autism burnout did he realize Sarah’s shutdown wasn’t rejection, it was survival.
The next year, they adjusted. Instead of staying with family, they booked a nearby hotel so Sarah could retreat when needed. They limited their visit to two main events and scheduled a recovery day before driving home. For the first time, Sarah felt understood, and Michael felt less frustrated. Their holiday wasn’t perfect but it was sustainable.
What This Might Look Like: When the Husband is Autistic
James loved his wife Anna and their two children, but holiday gatherings were always overwhelming. The noise of kids running through the house, overlapping conversations, and pressure to be “on” left him teetering.
One Thanksgiving, after hours of smiling and small talk, James exploded. He shouted at Anna in the car on the way home, calling her insensitive and accusing her of ignoring his needs. Anna sat in silence, shaken and hurt. She wondered if she was in an abusive marriage.
Later, in counseling, they learned that James’ meltdown was a symptom of autistic burnout. He wasn’t angry at Anna; he was overwhelmed by the sensory and social load. Together, they built a plan: James would attend one major holiday event, bring noise-cancelling earbuds, and have permission to step outside without explanation. Anna leaned on her “joy team”—friends and her sister—for extra support during the events James skipped.
By the next Christmas, things looked different. James wasn’t as present as Anna once imagined he would be, but his presence at the smaller moments—quiet breakfasts, watching a movie with the kids—became more meaningful. Anna felt supported because she wasn’t carrying the load alone, and James felt safer knowing his limits were respected.
Autism burnout is real, and the holidays are one of the hardest seasons for neurodiverse couples. Without awareness, couples spiral into misunderstanding, resentment, and exhaustion. But with compassion and adjustment, the holidays can be reclaimed not as a picture-perfect performance, but as a season of connection, rest, and authenticity.
Burnout does not have to end a marriage. It can become the moment couples choose to rewrite their story: moving from “Why can’t you?” to “How can we?” From unrealistic expectations to life-giving adaptations. From burnout to resilience.
References & Resources:
For a more detailed discussion on this topic- Coaches’ Corner Dec. 8th.
Comments