Why our Autistic, ADHD, & AuDHD Partners Can’t Follow Through
- echodorr5
- 4 days ago
- 4 min read
By Jeremy Rochford TI-CLC, MHC, YMHC, BCS
Have you ever sat back and asked yourself, “Why can’t my Neurodiverse partner just do the thing I keep asking them to do?” I mean, you’ve given them all the tools, resources, and time needed, but they’re still not following through?!?! Many days it feels like you’re stuck in the movie Groundhog Day, where the next day comes, but the results never change. And, to make it worse, there’s never a Bill Murray cameo. It’s the literal definition of BLAH. It can be so frustrating, right? Then, the Neurodivergent will have the audacity to ask, “What can I do to make it better?” AS IF I HAVEN’T ALREADY TOLD YOU 487 TIMES!!!
What happens next?
Frustrated, but hopeful, you’ll probably tell them one more time. And, again, they don’t follow through.
This is insanity, right?
This isn’t how someone who really loves you behaves. Right?
And this is where the questioning starts to deepen.
DO they really love me?
Is this what gaslighting feels like?
Maybe it’s Narcissism? It’s probably Narcissism, isn’t it?
Well, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is that they probably really do love you, even if they have an odd way of showing it.
The bad news is that I’m going to ask you for about 10 more minutes of grace as I explain why it is your Neurodiverse partner can’t follow through and, more importantly, what can be done about it.
First, we need to start here.
More than likely, your Neurodiverse partner is human.
Now, with such a “profound” statement like that, I wouldn’t blame you for thinking.
“Jeremy, with all those letters behind your name, is this really the smartest thing you could tell me?”
Fair, but please allow me to continue.
If we can accept that both parties in the relationship are human, then we also have to accept that both parties have basic needs, and one of the most foundational needs of any human is safety.
The challenge, though, is that most Autistic, ADHD, & AuDHD brains tend to find safety in ways that take safety away from others.
And so the tension begins.
When we’re asking our Neurodiverse partner to make a change, even for the betterment of the relationship, the family, or even themselves, we have to remember we’re not just asking them to change; we’re asking them to step away from a form of safety to which they’re holding so dear.
Which then deepens the conflict.
Because, at this point, behavior change is no longer a simple request; it’s now a battle of safety between both sides.
I created a behavioral model around this to explain the phenomenon.
It’s called the OCS Model, which stands for “Only Chasing Safety.”
Because, as mentioned earlier. If we’re all human, that’s what we’re all doing; Chasing; Safety.
You, me, everyone.
Does this mean that the Neurotypical partner must give in and sacrifice their safety for the comfort and safety of their Neurodiverse partner?
No, in fact quite the opposite.
In my world, and in my practice, the end is where we begin.
For me, the OCS Model not only explains why Neurodivergent individuals have such a hard time with behavioral change, but also why so many forms of traditional therapy or counseling aren’t effective for Neurodiverse couples.
But here’s the part that matters most.
If safety is what every human brain is chasing, then the real work in a neurodiverse relationship is learning how to build safety together instead of fighting over it.
That means learning new skills.
It means replacing blame with curiosity.
It means understanding that what looks like resistance may actually be protection.
And when both partners begin to see that clearly, something powerful happens: the same place that once held frustration can begin to hold compassion instead.
The goal isn’t perfection.
The goal is progress.
Small, steady steps toward a relationship where both people feel understood, supported, and safe.
Because when safety increases, growth follows.
If you’re a neurotypical partner who has felt exhausted from repeating yourself, your frustration makes sense.
And if you’re a neurodivergent partner who has felt confused about why change feels so hard, your experience makes sense, too.
The OCS Model reminds us that neither of you are the enemy.
You’re just two humans.
Chasing safety.
And when you learn how to chase it together instead of apart, the relationship finally has room to breathe again.
If you want to go deeper into the OCS Model and learn practical ways to build safety in your neurodiverse relationship, that’s exactly the work we do at NeuroFam.
Because healthy neurodiverse relationships aren’t built by accident.
They’re built through understanding, skill-building, and a whole lot of grace along the way.
And the good news?
That work can start today.
If you'd like to connect further about what you've just read or to learn more about what we do at NeuroFam, you can reach Me at Jeremy@NeuroFam.com
And if you want to hear a discussion with Jeremy about his OCS model
Comments