Author: Nicole Mar (Pseudonym)
“Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee: he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved.” Psalms 55:22
I love my husband who is on the Autism Spectrum, but because he lacks the ability to connect with me on a deeply emotional level, I often feel lonely. Like crazy lonely.
This is not because my husband is unreliable or lazy. In fact, my husband is willing to do nearly any chore asked of him. He is amazing at logistics and gets the kids to their activities on time or early. He is super responsible with finances and keeps us on track with saving for retirement. And he’s devoted to God and leads the family in weekend devotions.
Yet, there is this yearning in my heart to be known and loved by him. This is where there is a disconnect. I used to rant and rave and demand he look me in the eye, spend time with me, and tell me sweet nothings. But all that resulted from those tantrums is more tears, more anger, and more isolation.
Softer approaches helped generate more conversation and more time together, but still failed to soothe the lonely ache of my heart to know and to be known.
As the years have gone on in our marriage, I don’t know if I can ever have this connection with my husband, but I have learned something from these feelings of deprivation that have had me in the depths of despair in the middle of the night or blindly going through the day forlorn and in pain. I have learned that Jesus longs to spend time with me. He longs to hear the cries of my heart. He longs for an intimate fellowship with me. And that time with Him is there waiting for me. I only have to enter in.
I feel burdened by the lack of intimate fellowship in my marriage, but God knows this. I can go to Him about my crazy day. I can turn to Him when I want to laugh at some hilarious antics by my child. I can run to Him at night when my soul is vexed, and I need comfort. I can talk to Him when I want to have a casual chat. I can turn to Him because he is my Father, my Savior, the Lover of my soul, my Friend, my Comforter, my Protector, and my Healer.
Prayer communion with Jesus is the answer we neurotypical spouses are seeking. Yet this answer isn’t just for neurotypicals who are married to people with Asperger Syndrome or general characteristics of Autism. This answer to the deepest longing of our souls is for all people. We were made to want to connect!
Christians should pray everyday and throughout the day. We should praise God in good times and weep before God in bad times.
Since I’ve been going to my Savior, Jesus Christ, I am beginning to feel lighter. I feel more hopeful. I feel happy. God is turning my sorrow into joy. He is filling me with his boundless love, and I am so grateful.
“Taste and see that the Lord is good. Blessed are all who trust in Him.” Psalms 34:8
We are not alone. We don’t have to feel lonely. Jesus is waiting for us to turn to Him.
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3
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