Finding our Rhythm as NeuroDiverse Couple

By NeuroDiverse Couple Ginny & Tommy Smith 

 I would imagine most wives go into a marriage having grown up with the dream that the husband is to be trustworthy, a good communicator, a provider, taking initiative, being accountable and is responsible for the family's spiritual, financial, and overall well-being. At the same time there being shared decision -making and the wife looking to him for support, comfort and protection.  And when this doesn’t happen what do you do?  We are left confused, crushed, disappointed, lonely, hurt and angry. We might spend years, if not decades clinging, clawing out of desperation to save our marriages and family in trying to seek help and counseling in order to bring that dream to a reality. When I (Ginny) later realized that the idea of a traditional “marriage” was not going to happen, I needed to embrace and to seek in asking God what he wanted from me in my marriage. By me choosing to stay in the” hard”, I wanted to be able to stay well. What really needed to happen was to find our rhythm as a Neurodiverse couple.

One must find their own rhythm, a rhythm that works for their marriage. In our marriage I (Ginny) do carry most of the weight and responsibilities. In the early years of marriage I couldn’t understand why Tommy didn’t have those traits, those kinds of traits that seem to come naturally to most people. As a mom I worried as how this was mirroring to our daughter and my stepson. 

Neurodiverse marriages bring a whole other level of challenges. The famous saying of “life is like a box of chocolates” rings true in our marriage today. We never know what we will get on any given day. Conversations forgotten, emotional disconnection, meltdowns, shutdowns, dysregulations, things said or done that hurts with no understanding, sitting idle while one runs around taking care of responsibilities and the children, this list can go on and on.  I had been carrying most of the weight all of our marriage, but it was met with frustration, bitterness, anger and exhaustion because we didn’t know for the first 2 decades of marriage what we were dealing with.  As we are finding our rhythm since Tommy’s diagnosis in 2023, we are learning and accepting that our marriage rhythm will continue to consist of me carrying most of the weight.  It is handled much differently now.  At the same time though Tommy knows this isn’t an excuse to have a free pass on things. 

As we were coming out of our in house therapeutic separation at the later part of 2025, we were discovering who we were in this “new marriage.” We are now building on a foundation of neurodiversity. We are finding our rhythm. While I had made sense of the past, figuring out what was real and what wasn’t in our separation, I was also learning who the new and unmasked Tommy is. Tommy had to make sense of his entire life, take accountability and was learning who the new Ginny was also. I don’t carry the anger I had anymore and Tommy understands more of who he is, something that will be a constant.

Even though we are finding our rhythm in our Neurodiverse marriage, we do occasionally have an irregular rhythm. Well, let’s be honest, we have a lot of irregular rhythms, remember, we are only 2 years out from his diagnosis.  We have come to learn that 2 decades of unhealthy patterns, pain and misunderstandings doesn’t get wiped out in 1 month, 6 months, a year or even two.  Having to replace old rhythms with new ones will take time and consistency. Good thing though, OUR irregular rhythms are handled much better now. Fine tuning weekly if not daily to find that sweet sound has become a practice we are getting better at and even sometimes laugh at. Some days the harmony is the most beautiful sound, other days it is like a panel of instruments and no one is on key. 

He once asked me the question if I would have married him if I had known he was autistic and ADHD. God knew what He was doing when He brought us together, so why would I question that now? When I look backwards on our life and see all the blessings, why would I want to change that?  God knew and He knows the strength I have. Strength I question about myself at times.  (By no means am I saying here that if you are in a physically abusive situation for you to stay.  If that is the case, please seek help and safety). I see now Tommy does need me, and I need him. I now have healthy boundaries in place and I am closer to God because of what has happened. 

Post diagnosis I now embrace the strengths God has given me to help carry our marriage. I see Tommy for who he is. It doesn’t come as easy for Tommy to see his strengths, but he does see that I am FOR him. I realized God has equipped me to carry the bigger part of our marriage and I’m ok with that.  Are there days I’m tired? Yes.  Are there days I desire a partner? Yes. Are there days I desire connection? Yes. There are also a lot of days Tommy is tired too.  Tired from daily going out into a world where autism and/or ADHD isn’t understood. Going out and having to mask to fit in, working a job that is mentally taxing on him, going an entire life being taught to be one way only to find out at age 58 he must unlearn things to relearn who he truly is. Not the easiest thing to do as an adult. He does know it isn’t an excuse for his behavior at home and in our marriage; however it can still be exhausting for him too. Finding our rhythm helped in supporting one another. Finding the value in correct coaching and therapy is important too. 

As we navigate the reality of our “new marriage” the rhythm we are finding continues to move us forward.  It will never be at the same speed as each other and our rhythm may change year to year. Tommy says it’s like two people that have heart beats. Both beats have a rhythm but those beats may be hitting at different times. He is slowly learning and seeing that marriage is a partnership.  If there is a task I need him to do, I give him a time frame when it needs to be done. He keeps notes in his phone, we have a family calendar, and he has 2 white boards in the house he writes things of importance on.  Does he still forget at times? Yes. Does he still make mistakes? Yes. Does he still forget conversations? Yes. Does he still miss cues? Yes. But with our new rhythm there isn’t any more shame from it. This doesn’t mean we love each other less, we have just found our rhythm and some laughter in there too.  There are definitely times I’m left scratching my head wondering what in the world is he doing?  That will never change. But all this is OUR rhythm.  We have found what works for us, and we will continue to change it as needed.  We have check- ins every 20 days – these are set like doctor’s appointments, planned out and we know what to expect.  It’s a place of calm and allowing each other to talk and share our heart and give affirmations. 

Before his diagnosis, evening times was when we would have some of our biggest arguments.  In our new found rhythm we have learned that Tommy needs down time when he comes home from work. Sometimes that could be the rest of the night.  There are times I need down time too for whatever reason.  We schedule times to talk about important stuff and he has his responsibility to let me know if he is mentally tapped out or as we say, “out of spoons”.  It’s not a free pass for him to not have to help with responsibilities or help me out, but when communicated properly both of us can support one another in a way that is understanding.

We realize some may balk at this. Some may say, “I didn’t sign up for this” Marriage should be 50/50. We like to believe that marriage is actually 100/100. Different seasons calls for different percentages based on a situation.  There are areas that Tommy does carry 100% of the responsibilities, but these are his strengths that I don’t have.  Too someone looking in it may not seem fair that his percentage based on an actual list of responsibilities is much smaller than my list.  However it is still his list no matter how small and requires much more mental energy to get those things done. 

If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet you also ought to wash one another’s feet. 

John 13:14

In this new found rhythm, the house is calmer, there are no more expectations, there are no more assumptions, and there are no more “you should just know” moments.  The moments we do have are more joy, happiness and understanding.

We encourage you to find your rhythm. Find a coach, mentor, or someone that has walked in your shoes and will walk along side you. 

For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.  Mathew 18:20

You can hear from Ginny & Tommy themselves on the podcast later this spring.