Divorce, Separation and Christianity: Breaking the Stigma

By Barbara Grant, MMFT, NDCC, CAS (www.Bg-HC.com)

For many in the church, divorce remains one of the most stigmatized experiences a believer can face. It's as if, within some Christian communities, divorce is seen as the “unpardonable sin.” People who’ve gone through it are sometimes excommunicated, excluded, or deemed

unqualified to speak into the lives of others—especially in the area of marriage.

But where did this cultural bias originate? Misinterpretations of scripture have certainly played a part—Malachi 2:16, often quoted as “God hates divorce,” is a prime example. In truth, more accurate translations reveal the verse as a condemnation of a man who hates and divorces his wife, doing violence to the one he should protect. The message is not that God hates the act of divorce, but rather the betrayal and harm that often accompany it.

Marriage is a sacred covenant, but it is also a conditional one. As author Gretchen Baskerville

explains in The Life-Saving Divorce, most biblical covenants—particularly those between

humans—are conditional. A marriage covenant, according to Scripture and ancient Jewish

tradition, was predicated on provisions such as love, safety, food, and shelter. When these were violated—especially through abuse, neglect, or abandonment—the covenant was already broken long before a legal divorce was finalized.

Divorce doesn’t destroy a godly witness—sin does. When someone consistently refuses to

repent, gaslights, blames, or abuses their spouse, the issue is no longer merely relational; it’s

spiritual. Jesus did not call His followers to suffer in silence or enable destructive behavior. He calls us to mature, repent, forgive, and set godly boundaries. Abuse, addiction, and persistent betrayal are not simply “marital problems”—they are sin problems.

We must also question why the church often overlooks sins like pornography, adultery, or pride, while shaming the one who chooses divorce for life-preserving reasons. In many cases, divorce is not the failure of a person’s faith but an act of godly discernment. Many women—and men—stay in harmful marriages out of fear, finances, or church pressure, not faith. And when they do choose to leave, they are met with judgment instead of compassion.

Women in particular carry the brunt of this cultural bias. Statistically, they initiate the majority

of divorces in America—but for compelling reasons like infidelity, addiction, or abuse.

Meanwhile, men cite irreconcilable differences or lack of respect. Yet it is often the woman who is labeled as faithless.

We need to reframe the narrative. God redeems people—not institutions. Jesus came to save souls, not just marriages. And yes, divorced believers can give godly counsel. They have walked through the valley. They’ve wrestled, repented, healed, and grown. That growth, that fruit, is what qualifies them. In the end, every believer must live according to the conviction of the Holy Spirit. Let us stop making idols of marriage and start exalting the grace, truth, and love of Christ. Full redemption after divorce is not only possible—it is powerful.

Additional Notes / Scriptures to consider:

Conditional covenants

are like today’s business agreements: Each party agrees to do or provide something valuable. If they fail to do it, the contract is broken, the other party no longer has to perform their end of the bargain, and there are penalties. (Think of an apartment rental agreement.)

Unconditional covenants

are agreements that are one-sided and cannot be broken.

Only God can enter an unconditional agreement, because only God is capable of making such an unbreakable agreement, as he cannot fail and cannot sin.

• Covenant with Abram (Abraham) in Genesis 17

• Covenant with Israel at Sinai in Exodus 19-24

Marriage is a conditional covenant

It requires promises in the form of vows that are based on

Exodus 21:10 (food, clothing, love) and reiterated in

Ephesians 5:28-29 (nourish, care, and love).

One group of Jewish teachers (those who followed the biblical interpretations of the scholar

Shammai) interpreted “a matter of indecency” as meaning something extremely serious and

sexual, such as adultery. The other group of rabbis (who followed the teaching of the scholar

Hillel) split the phrase and turned it into a legal loophole that allowed for easy divorce: “A

matter” or “indecency.” They argued you could divorce for “adultery” or “a matter.” Interpreting it this way, “a matter” meant anything the husband found objectionable—for example, if a wife ruined his meal.

Shammai / Hillel debate: Did “matter of indecency” mean “any cause”, or “adultery”

Ex. 21:7-11

7 “If a man sells his daughter as a servant, she is not to go free as male servants do. 8 If she does not please the master who has selected her for himself, he must let her be redeemed. He has no right to sell her to foreigners, because he has broken faith with her. 9 If he selects her for his son, he must grant her the rights of a daughter. 10 If he marries another woman, he must not deprive the first one of her food, clothing and marital rights. 11 If he does not provide her with these three things, she is to go free, without any payment of money.

Deut. 21:11-14

11 if you notice among the captives a beautiful woman and are attracted to her, you may take her as your wife. 12 Bring her into your home and have her shave her head, trim her nails 13 and putaside the clothes she was wearing when captured. After she has lived in your house and mourned her father and mother for a full month, then you may go to her and be her husband and she shall be your wife. 14 If you are not pleased with her, let her go wherever she wishes. You must not sell her or treat her as a slave, since you have dishonored her.

Mal. 2:13-16

13 Another thing you do: You flood the Lord’s altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer looks with favor on your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. 14 You ask, “Why?” It is because the Lord is the witness between you and the wife of your youth. You have been unfaithful to her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. 15 Has not the one God made you? You belong to him in body and spirit. And what does the one God seek? Godly offspring. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful to the wife of your youth. 16 “The man who hates and divorces his wife,” says the Lord, the God of Israel, “does violence to the one he should protect,” says the Lord Almighty. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful.

Matt. 5:31-32

31 “It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’ 32 But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

Matt. 19:8

8 Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.

1 Cor. 7:15

15 But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such

circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.

Verses telling us not to associate with people with serious sins, including all types of abuse and sexual immorality:

1 Cor. 5:11-12

11 But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a

brother or sister but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or

swindler. Do not even eat with such people.

12 What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church?

Are you not to judge those inside the church?

Greedy: marked by greed : having or showing a selfish desire for wealth and possessions Idolator: a person that admires intensely and often blindly one that is not usually a subject of

worship

Slanderer: the utterance of false charges or misrepresentations which defame and damage

another's reputation

Swindler: a person who uses deception to deprive someone of money or possessions.

Eph. 5:3-7

3 But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. 4 Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. 5 For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person—such a person is an idolater—has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God. 6 Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God’s wrath comes on those who are disobedient. 7 Therefore do not be partners with them.

2 Tim. 3:1-5

But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. 2 People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, 4 treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— 5 having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.

1 Tim. 5:8

Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household,

has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.