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An Intentional Marriage

Updated: Mar 22

Author: Brian Hight

My marriage’s Doomsday Clock was at 23:59:57 and I was asleep and unaware of my world.

At 23:59:58 a sense of unease roused me, but I was unable to identify the cause. As the clock flicked to 23:59:59 I woke to the harsh reality that my marriage was about to collapse or explode. I didn’t know what would happen, but I suddenly knew I was the problem, and if my marriage was going to survive, I had to change my attitude and my actions.

Unintentionality had crept into every part of my life and especially my marriage, but I was

completely unaware of the damage it was causing. I knew that things were not going well, but I didn’t know why. I blamed my wife because she was the person who was complaining. If she would complain less, I thought we would be fine. It never occurred to me that I had a plank in my eye and was complaining about a speck in her eye. I was praying for her to change, but never thought to pray that God would show me what I needed to change. Added to my mind and emotional blindness, I was also spiritually blind.

All this changed when I was listening to a podcast about arrogance. I realised this was one of my core attitudes, and that I had everything backwards. As I pondered my lifetime of passive actions, I saw they came from resentful attitudes, so that became the first intentional change. My attitudes had focused my thoughts, which in turn, formed my actions. I had to own the damage I had caused in the relationship. Instead of wanting to change my wife, I realized that that I had to change me. In fact, I was the only person I could change.

Intentionality became the driving force which started with my attitudes and steadily expanded to my interactions with my wife, and the world around me. The new realization brought new thinking. I started focusing one what I could do to build our relationship. I spent time thinking of practical ideas which would bring us together. I essentially developed a relationship toolbox which included practical activities we could do, and mental and emotional habits and practices that focused myself on growth and change. Passivity had been an anchor that stopped all growth and forward movement in the relationship. Cutting that anchor rope was essential, doing it was liberating.

Being on the autism spectrum helped me excel at work but I couldn’t use it as an excuse for being passive or negligent in my marriage because I knew that my attitudes had done more damage than my neural wiring. By nature, I am predisposed to logical thinking, so I leveraged that skill-set to benefit my relationship. I made intentional choices to respond to my wife so that I could meet her relational needs. For instance, I used timers on my phone to remind me of tasks that needed to be done, or to remind me that special events were coming which needed preparation. I actively looked for ways to build positivity into the relationship.

I know that I can’t make up for years of indifference in a moment, nor can I expect my wife to forget all my past actions. For this reason, my journey of intentionality became my new special project, one which must continue for the rest of my marriage and the whole of my life.

My story became a book called “An Intentional Marriage: Tools for a Stronger Relationship” It includes an honest and raw backstory of the damage I caused, followed by the steps I took to restore our relationship. The second section of the book lists many of the tools, tips, and techniques that I used as part of my journey.

To follow the book’s launch.

Dr. Stephanie’s endorsement of the book.

An Intentional Marriage by Brian Hight is a compelling and transformative read, especially poignant for those navigating the complexities of a Christian neurodiverse relationship. Through his personal narrative, Hight candidly shares his journey with Autism Spectrum Disorder, shedding light on the critical role of intentionality in relationships. His book is not just a story; it's a wake-up call and a guide, filled with practical insights and tools for anyone who has felt disconnected or complacent in their personal connections. Hight's experience of nearly losing his marriage due to unintentional living serves as a powerful testament to the importance of deliberate effort and mindfulness in nurturing relationships. This book is an invaluable resource for those seeking to revive or strengthen their bonds, offering a blend of personal anecdotes, insights, and actionable advice. Whether you're on the autism spectrum or not, Hight's journey towards intentional living and loving provides a universal blueprint for deepening our most significant relationships.

The book is available from Amazon here.

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