Alexithymia, Mind-blindness & Sexual Dysfunction in ASD-NT Marriages Pt.2 of 3

Guest Blogger: Autism Effect on Marriage

Used with Permission

The Sexual Discard dynamic will be discussed in a different post.

What does Sexual Obsession look like in a neurodiverse marriage?

• When and ASD spouse presents as hypersexual, he very much enjoys the sensory experience of sex. He can be quite focused on quantity over quality. He is often single-minded in his expectation of sexual routines established, even as life becomes more complicated during the course of a marriage.

• The neurotypical wife may notice that her autistic husband has minimal empathy for why she might be sexually unavailable to him. If she is sick, heavily pregnant, post-partum, dealing with health complications, overwhelmed by extra responsibilities, feeling emotionally disconnected – he may still view her reasons as an injustice toward him.

• The hypersexual autistic man may have mood dysregulation that he claims is due to his unmet sexual needs. He may feel that his anger over lack of frequency justifies his outbursts or punishing behavior toward his wife.

• Autistic men may view sex as transactional. Neurotypical wives may notice that he is “suddenly” helpful around the home, engaging in parenting, may stop his stonewalling or irritability, possibly offer an acknowledgement of his problematic behaviors. His expectation for sex in exchange for cooperation is not lost on his neurotypical wife, and if she resists completing the “transaction,” this results in angry, sullen behavior.

• In similar transactional fashion, when neurotypical wife requests re-connection after a rupture – more specifically, an apology – she may be told that until his sexual needs are met, he will not consider any emotional engagement. He justifies this as “simply fair,” and might find it reasonable to say that he is unmotivated to give her what she needs emotionally, when his sexual needs are not fulfilled first.

• Porn use may be less hidden in a Sexual Obsession dynamic. It can be more overt, with the intention of using it to punish the neurotypical wife for her inability to be sexually available at every interval of arousal.

• Sexual input may serve as a sensory stim for an ASD husband. He finds it self-soothing to obtain sexual release, and his preference is sex with his wife, but he may compulsively masturbate and use porn, too.

• Sex may be a special interest in a hypersexual autistic partner. He may devote himself to learning every technique, position and experience possible. He expects participation from his wife regardless of her own level of curiosity or interest.

• Manipulation and threats can occur in a Sexual Obsession dynamic. Threats of using porn, seeking sex outside the marriage, pushing boundaries of interactions with other women, emotional affairs – all can be a form of threat or punishment to incite fear in the neurotypical wife, and coerce sexual availability.