Alexithymia, Mind-blindness & Sexual Dysfunction in ASD-NT Marriages Pt.1 of 3

Guest Blogger: Autism Effect on Marriage

Used with Permission

Physical intimacy within a neurodiverse marriage is often problematic. While not a universal problem, it is frequently a devastating reality.

Various circumstances contribute to sexual dysfunction in an AS-NT marriage. (Sensory issues and porn addiction are frequently contributing factors, discussed in more detail here and here.) Additionally, two often overlooked components of sexual dysfunction are the presence of alexithymia and mind-blindness, within the autistic partner. Both conditions play a role in two of the most common and problematic sexual dynamics found in neurodiverse marriages: the What different manifestations of Sexual Discard exist in a neurodiverse marriage?

• During dating, the neurodiverse couple may have a satisfying and frequent sex life. The novelty of a new partner might override sensory overwhelm for the autistic man. A new partner may also activate the autistic man’s focus, to the extent that he is more able to cue into his partner’s responses during sex. The neurotypical woman often experiences intimacy as a satisfying and attuned experience. After marriage, usually when she is declining as his special interest, she notices that his sexual desire toward her diminishes. He no longer initiates. He may also act as if he barely recalls the time in which they enjoyed sex together.

• For couples who reserve sex for marriage, there is often a mutual inexperience that remains unknown until after they are married. The neurotypical wife may have expected her ASD husband to be an enthusiastic lover, as both may have expressed the frustration of waiting for marital sex. She is quite surprised in marriage when he seems indifferent to sex. He may struggle to feel aroused, or maintain arousal. He might be squeamish or stoic during the act, keeping his eyes closed and containing himself in a way that feels distant. The honeymoon may have been an intensely lonely and confusing experience. Occasionally, a couple may not even fully consummate the marriage, despite attempts to do so. The neurotypical wife might find his movements to be robotic, repetitive and ritualized when sex intermittently occurs. Sex feels like the least intimate part of their life instead of the most intimate.

• Whether sex was previously satisfying or never satisfying, the neurotypical wife may report that she becomes the sole initiator after marriage. He might tell her he “wants” to have sex with her, but never follow through on initiating. He seemingly invents reasons to reject or ignore her. If sex is scheduled, he finds reasons to avoid. If she initiates, he may agree – but is passive about cultivating arousal in her, and might consider the activity to be over when he finishes. Sex is perfunctory and possibly passion-less.

• Secret porn use may replace any sexual relationship with his neurotypical wife. If he is a long-time user, the private experience is preferable to engaging with his wife. He’s conditioned to experience arousal through observation instead of participation. He may present himself to his wife as being low-drive, when really his sex drive is quite high – but oriented toward masturbation and porn, instead of mutuality. When discovered, her hurt and betrayal may actually be a convenient way to cultivate more sexual avoidance. She is hurt, so she withdraws; she can now be “equally” blamed for why there is no sexual relationship! He’s unmotivated to heal the rupture within the relationship, because this would involve re-connection. His avoidance of marital sex is more firmly secured, thanks to her feeling of betrayal. He may express remorse, but do little in the way of action to change the behavior in the long-term; many husbands report that internet monitoring is easily subverted. Even if he is able to reduce his porn use and behave with authentic transparency, marital sex is rarely a replacement.

• Sex may exist as a silent ghost in the marriage. Sexuality is not mentioned by either partner, except maybe in small pockets of grief and devastation from the neurotypical wife. He does not ever, under virtually any circumstance, make any mention of sex. He may say he “wants to,” or suggest it during a sobbing confrontation from her – when he knows it’s unlikely to happen as she’s in pure devastation. They co-exist as roommates, parents and maybe as friends. If they still share a bedroom, neither notice or comment on each other’s sexuality. Undressing in front of each other is benign. Her naked body elicits no reaction whatsoever. He seems perfectly happy with the status quo, although he dislikes any brief moment of being confronted with her hurt. She exists in a private hell of rejection and wanting, but knowing that discussion is circular and promises are false. Over time, her grief and outrage over the lack of sex in her marriage morphs into repulsion and fury at the idea of him sexually touching her. If she ever mentions this during a fight, he may hold on to it as “evidence” that she doesn’t want him sexually touching her anyway – so it’s just as much her “fault.”

• The ASD husband may fear that affection could lead to sex, so he takes great care to avoid offering more than a kiss on the forehead, or a small hug. He may do this when it’s impossible for sex to happen, such as in the morning when both partners are heading off to work. His initiation of affection may never go beyond holding hands or sitting next to each other on the couch, or a very occasional peck on her lips.

• The autistic man may have a moralistic view of sex as being vulgar outside the function of procreation. He may use highly clinical terms when discussing sex, and be silent or put off if his wife broaches the topic of sex with any slang terms. He may also find sex to be germy, and will offer up facts about hygiene that impede sex as being “safe.” He might be quite tidy and fastidious about requirements prior to and after physical intimacy. Wives are expected to thoroughly shower before and after, lay on a towel during intercourse, ignore any desire for post-sex cuddling, and tolerate his leaping off of her body to immediately go cleanse himself of her.

• Shaming and blaming of the neurotypical wife can occur in a Sexual Discard neurodiverse marriage. When confronted about the repeated avoidance and refusal to initiate despite promises otherwise, the ASD spouse may resist accountability and criticize his wife. If she was prettier, more put together at home, if she hadn’t gained weight during pregnancy, if her feminine body parts weren’t so off-putting, if she wasn’t so demanding in her desires, if she didn’t take so long to orgasm, if she cleaned the house better, if she stopped complaining about his behaviors, if she wasn’t so controlling and in charge – THEN he would want to have sex with her. The goalposts change frequently, but the intended takeaway is that sex with her is repulsive to him, and it’s entirely her fault.