Resources Recommendation: When Is It Abuse? Reflections on our Conversation with Thomas Pryde and the Psalm 82 Initiative by Rev. Dr. Stephanie C. Holmes

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2 days ago
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This past month on our Weaponized Scripture series on the podcast, we have explored difficult but important conversations about abuse, spiritual authority, forgiveness, divorce, and how Scripture is sometimes used in ways that wound rather than heal. One of those conversations was with Thomas Pryde of the Psalm 82 Initiative. In our interview, we first asked Thomas to talk about the passage of Psalm 82.

Psalm 82 is not one of the passages most Christians quote regularly. Yet it contains one of the clearest calls for justice found anywhere in Scripture. God confronts leaders who have been entrusted with authority and asks them why they have failed to protect the vulnerable:

"Defend the weak and the fatherless; uphold the cause of the poor and the oppressed. Rescue the weak and the needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked." (Psalm 82:3-4)

At its heart, Psalm 82 is about stewardship of power.

Who has it?

How are they using it?

Who benefits from it?

And who gets hurt?

Those questions sit at the center of the Psalm 82 Initiative's mission.

Thomas Pryde has spent decades helping churches, leaders, counselors, and survivors understand abuse dynamics and recognize when harmful behavior is hiding behind religious language, church culture, or distorted ideas about authority and submission. What I appreciated about our conversation was that Thomas did not start with a list of behaviors. He started with power. Because abuse is ultimately not a marriage problem. It is a misuse-of-power problem.

Four Elements of Abuse

During our conversation, Thomas described four elements that are commonly present in abusive systems. The person causing harm:

Feels entitled.

Seeks control.

Uses coercion.

Expects compliance.

The simplicity of that framework struck me.

Entitlement says:

"I deserve special treatment."

"I deserve access."

"I deserve obedience."

Control seeks to make sure that entitlement is protected. Coercion becomes the mechanism used to maintain that control. And compliance becomes the expected outcome. The relationship is no longer built on mutuality. It becomes organized around power.

Thomas made a statement that has stayed with me:

A healthy person uses whatever power they possess to benefit others, not to harm them.

Think about that for a moment.

Healthy leadership uses power to serve.

Healthy parents use power to nurture.

Healthy pastors use power to protect.

Healthy spouses use power to bless.

Love creates freedom.

Not anarchy.

Not chaos.

Not the absence of boundaries.

But freedom.

The freedom to disagree.

The freedom to ask questions.

The freedom to be honest.

The freedom to be fully human.

I stopped Thomas as he was talking about “freedom to be me” and asked him to further explain that to black and white thinkers who may hear that freedom to be means to do what I want when I want. He further explained that it is not selfishness or anarchy.

Abuse narrows freedom until compliance becomes the safest option. This reminded me of Landscapes of the Soul and the work of Intimacy and Independence by the Holsclaws. One of the things I appreciate about Geoff and Cyd Holsclaw's work is that they challenge the false choice many Christians have been given. We are often taught that we must choose between closeness and autonomy, connection and individuality, intimacy and independence. But healthy relationships require both. Dan and I did not stop being Dan and Stephanie when we married. We voluntarily gave up certain freedoms because we valued the relationship, but we did not surrender our identities. A healthy marriage creates a secure attachment where both spouses can become more fully themselves. Abuse does the opposite. It often masquerades as intimacy while systematically reducing independence. The result is not a greater connection but greater control. Healthy love invites. Control demands. Healthy attachment allows us to become more fully ourselves. Abuse requires us to become less.

Why This Matters for Neurodiverse Couples

One of the reasons I wanted Thomas on the podcast was because of the unique challenges neurodiverse couples face. For years, I have heard questions such as:

"Is this autism?"

"Is this abuse?"

"Is this a communication problem?"

"Is this coercive control?"

Those questions matter because neurodiversity can sometimes complicate how people interpret behavior. Thomas shared that he sees a significant crossover between neurodiverse marriages and the abuse cases that come across his desk. That does not mean autism causes abuse. It does not. But it does mean some dynamics can become harder to identify. A neurotypical spouse may assume every difficult interaction is related to autism. An autistic spouse may assume every concern is simply a misunderstanding. Many times, autistic spouses are trying to control an environment to manage anxiety, but those who are in the environment feel controlled. So the intent is not to control, yet the impact is the same. But if new strategies are not learned or the neurodiversity is not acknowledged, and Scriptures are weaponized, it can become abusive.And some autistic women, particularly those who are highly conscientious, rule-following, and deeply committed to doing the "right" thing, can become especially vulnerable when harmful teachings are presented as biblical mandates. I have worked with women who sincerely believed:

"God wants me to stay no matter what."

"God wants me to endure."

"God wants me to submit."

"God wants me to forgive and move on."

Many of those women were not weak. Quite the opposite. They were deeply committed Christians trying to honor God. The problem was not their desire to obey. The problem was that unhealthy people and unhealthy systems sometimes used that desire against them. When entitlement, coercion, control, and compliance become wrapped in spiritual language, abuse becomes much harder to recognize.

The Question Behind the Question

One of the things I appreciated most about Thomas's work is that he moves the conversation away from arguments and toward patterns.

Instead of asking:

"Who is right?"

He asks:

"Is someone using power to benefit themselves at the expense of another person?"

That question often reveals more than hours of debating individual incidents. Because abuse is rarely defined by a single argument. It is defined by a pattern.

A pattern of power.

A pattern of control.

A pattern of entitlement.

A pattern that gradually diminishes another person's freedom. And that is why so many survivors struggle to describe what is happening. Many cannot point to one dramatic moment. They simply know they are becoming smaller.

Less free.

Less confident.

Less able to make decisions.

Less able to disagree safely.

Less themselves.

Why the Church Must Pay Attention

Throughout this Weaponized Scripture series, a common theme has emerged.

Whether speaking with Dr. Steven Tracy, Gretchen Baskerville, Dr.Jake Porter, Bruce Fleming, Sarah McDugal, or Thomas Pryde, the issue is not whether Scripture is true. The issue is whether we are handling Scripture well. Are we using Scripture to protect the vulnerable? Or to protect systems?

Are we using Scripture to confront harmful behavior? Or to silence those who are harmed?

Are we asking survivors to forgive while failing to address abuse?

Are we focusing on reconciliation while neglecting safety?

These are difficult questions.

But they are profoundly biblical questions. And they are the very questions Psalm 82 asks.

If You Need Help

If you are a domestic violence victim seeking help, here are some resources:

National Domestic Violence Hotline: Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or chat online for 24/7 support and local advocacy WomensLaw.org.
DomesticShelters.org: Search for community shelters and programs to connect with local advocates and access tools to escape domestic abuse domesticshelters.org.
Live Support: Speak to a live advocate through the National Domestic Violence Hotline for confidential support thehotline.org.
State Resources: Find resources and programs in your state that provide support for women who have experienced abuse Office on Women's Health.
Comprehensive Resources: Explore various resources for survivors, including hotlines, shelters, and legal assistance domesticviolence.org.