Book Review: To Harm or Heal? Why Dr. Steven Tracy's Book Matters More Than Ever by Rev. Dr. Stephanie C. Holmes
- echodorr5
- Jul 10
- 5 min read
There are some books you read, underline, and place on a shelf. Then some books force you to stop, reflect, and reconsider assumptions you have carried for years. For me, To Harm or Heal? How Religion Can Help or Hurt Survivors of Sexual Abuse by Dr. Steven Tracy falls into the second category. He is also the author, with his wife Celeste Tracy, of Mending the Soul.
Recently, Dan and I had the privilege of interviewing Dr. Tracy as part of our Weaponizing Scripture podcast series. We spent time discussing forgiveness, reconciliation, trust, abuse, and how Scripture can be used either to heal people or deepen their wounds. As I reflected on both the book and our conversation, I realized something.
The greatest strength of To Harm or Heal? is not that it attacks Christianity. It doesn't. Nor does it diminish the authority of Scripture. Instead, Dr. Tracy asks a difficult but necessary question:
What happens when biblical truth is presented in ways that unintentionally harm the very people it was meant to heal?
That question requires humility, teachability, and the willingness to rethink what has been taught and to instead be like the Bereans and study the matter! It requires us to acknowledge that good intentions do not always produce good outcomes. And it requires Christian leaders, pastors, counselors, teachers, and ministry workers to honestly evaluate the impact of their words.
For nearly thirty years, I have worked with women, couples, and families affected by difficult, destructive, and sometimes abusive relationships. Over those years, I have noticed a troubling pattern. When abuse is present, the person being harmed is often given far more attention than the person causing the harm. Not always, but most often it is the wife.
The wife is told to forgive.
The wife is told not to become bitter.
The wife is told to pray more.
The wife is told to trust God.
The wife is told to reconcile.
The wife is told to remember her marriage covenant.
The wife is told to submit.
Meanwhile, the person engaging in abusive, coercive, controlling, manipulative, or destructive behavior is often given remarkably little accountability. After all, he cried. He apologized. He promised to change. He wants to save the marriage. He said he's sorry.
As Christians, we should celebrate genuine repentance. But tears are not repentance. Promises are not repentance. Words are not repentance. Repentance is demonstrated through consistent transformation over time. Yet I have watched countless women pressured toward forgiveness and reconciliation long before genuine safety, accountability, trustworthiness, and change have been established.
In many situations, the focus becomes:
"Why can't she forgive?"
Instead of:
"Why does the abuse continue?"
That is one reason Dr. Tracy's work is so important.
He helps us separate concepts that have often been carelessly blended together.
Forgiveness is not reconciliation.
Forgiveness is not trust.
Forgiveness is not the removal of consequences.
Forgiveness is not the restoration of a relationship.
Forgiveness is not permission for continued harm.
Those distinctions are not merely theological. They are life-changing. In some cases, they are life-saving. One of the things I appreciate most about Dr. Tracy's work is his commitment to holding both truth and compassion together.
He does not minimize sin.
He does not minimize abuse.
He does not minimize forgiveness.
And he does not minimize the need for wisdom.
That balance is desperately needed.
Because many survivors are not struggling with forgiveness. They are struggling with confusion. They have been taught that if they truly forgive, they must immediately reconcile. If they truly forgive, they must restore trust. If they truly forgive, they must stop talking about what happened. If they truly forgive, they must return to the relationship exactly as it was before.
Scripture simply does not teach that.
One of the books we discussed during our podcast conversation was Mending the Soul by Steven Tracy and Celestia Tracy. For those who have experienced abuse, I cannot recommend it highly enough. What I appreciate about Mending the Soul is that it moves beyond theory. It helps people understand what abuse is. It gives language to experiences that many survivors have never been able to name. It helps separate responsibility from shame. It provides practical pathways toward healing, safety, support, and recovery. Most importantly, it reminds survivors that God is not indifferent to their suffering. Too many Christians have been taught that endurance is the highest virtue. We talk about this specifically in NeuroDiverse Christian couples in the book chapters 12 & 13 of Uniquely Us!
Sometimes healing begins when someone finally realizes that God sees the abuse, grieves the abuse, and never required the abuse. That realization alone can be transformative. As we quote GI Joe a lot on our podcast- Knowing is only HALF the battle!
As someone who has spent years reflecting on spiritual formation, spiritual abuse, identity, and authority, I found Dr. Tracy's work deeply meaningful. In recent months, I have written about how some of the "subcontractors" involved in my own spiritual formation helped construct beliefs about God, authority, and womanhood that took years to untangle. Most were not intentionally harmful. Some were sincere. Some were deeply caring. Yet sincerity alone does not guarantee accuracy. And authority, when misused, can create fear where God intended freedom.
That is why I believe books like To Harm or Heal? are so important. Not because they encourage people to abandon faith. But because they challenge us to practice faith more faithfully. My hope is that pastors, ministry leaders, counselors, coaches, and marriage educators will read this book and ask difficult questions.
Am I helping people heal?
Or am I unintentionally causing harm?
Am I using Scripture to point people toward Jesus?
Or am I using Scripture to pressure people into compliance?
Am I emphasizing forgiveness while neglecting repentance?
Am I encouraging reconciliation without first addressing safety?
Am I asking the wounded person to change while ignoring the behavior of the person doing the wounding?
These are not easy questions. But they are necessary questions. And if we are honest, they are questions the Church must continue asking. To those who have experienced spiritual abuse, coercive control, manipulation, or pressure to remain in destructive situations to "be a good Christian," I want to say this clearly:
You are called to love.
You are called to forgive.
You are called to follow Christ.
But nowhere does God call you to be abused in order to please Him. Nowhere does Scripture celebrate the destruction of a person's dignity, safety, or humanity. The heart of God is not revealed in coercion. The heart of God is revealed in Jesus. And Jesus consistently moved toward the wounded, the vulnerable, the marginalized, and the oppressed with truth, compassion, and protection.
That is why I am grateful for Dr. Tracy's work. Not because it makes these conversations easier. But because it makes them more honest. And honest conversations are often where healing begins.
"You are called to love. You are called to forgive. You are called to follow Christ. But nowhere does God call you to be abused in order to please Him."
To hear the full conversation:
Comments