Book Review: Life-Saving Divorce: A Book the Church Needs to Read

There are books I recommend because they are helpful. There are books I recommend because they are well-researched. And then there are books I recommend because I genuinely believe they have the potential to change lives. Life-Saving Divorce by Gretchen Baskerville covers all of these categories. Whenever I talk about abuse and divorce, I get accused of not being pro-marriage or being too pro-divorce. But that is not true. As I have said many times, I am so pro-marriage and so pro-covenant that I do not believe a God-honoring covenant marriage should have abuse;  that abuse does not reflect God’s intention for marriage, is not treating image-bearers of God lovingly, and is a poor reflection of marriage to the world. So many pastors and small group leaders, and conference leaders say that divorce is a poor witness to the world. But abuse is far worse as a reflection of Christian marriage to the world. Spiritual leaders who protect the abuser are a far worse reflection to the “world”.

As someone who has spent nearly thirty years working with couples, women, and families in difficult relationships, I have seen firsthand the devastation that occurs when Scripture is misapplied. I have sat with women who desperately wanted to honor God, preserve their marriage, and follow biblical counsel. Many were not looking for a way out of their marriage. They were looking for a way to survive it. They read books, followed all the Christian advice, but the issue was not their desire for marriage but the behaviors of a spouse they could not control. Sometimes they were even blamed for his behavior (domestic violence, lust, child abuse, financial control, or other forms of abuse). If she had done or not done, then he (the abuser) would not have or would have…

Yet far too often, the message they received was not, "The abuse must stop."

The message was:

"You need to forgive."

"You need to submit."

"You need to trust God."

"You need to have a softer heart."

Then the ultimate clobber—-

"God hates divorce."

Meanwhile, the person engaging in the abuse, coercion, manipulation, intimidation, neglect, or betrayal was often given far less scrutiny than the person being harmed. This is a theme that will be repeated in this month’s focus on book reviews. The themes and advice are repeated. That imbalance is one of the reasons Gretchen Baskerville's work matters so much.

A Question Many Christians Are Afraid to Ask

One of the things I appreciate most about Gretchen's writing is that she asks questions many Christians have been taught not to ask. What if some of our assumptions about divorce are wrong? What if some of the verses we quote most often have been misunderstood? What if our desire to protect marriage has sometimes caused us to protect abuse? Those are uncomfortable questions.

But after decades of working with hurting people, I believe they are necessary questions. Gretchen is not anti-marriage. She is not promoting divorce in general as an easy way out. In fact, one of the things that makes her work so compelling is her obvious respect for marriage as a sacred covenant. Her argument is not that marriage does not matter. She argues that human beings matter too. And that abuse itself is a violation of the covenant.

"God Hates Divorce"

Few verses have been used more frequently to pressure Christians into remaining in destructive marriages than Malachi 2:16. Many of us grew up hearing some version of:

"God hates divorce."

The statement became almost a conversation stopper. It was often treated as the final word on the subject. Yet one of the most fascinating sections of Life-Saving Divorce examines what Malachi 2:16 is actually saying. Gretchen points out something that many Christians never hear from the pulpit.

The translation "God hates divorce" is not the only way the Hebrew text has been understood. In fact, many modern translations, including the NIV, ESV, and CSB, translate the verse quite differently. Rather than emphasizing God's hatred of divorce itself, the passage focuses on the man who acts treacherously toward his wife and then discards her. The emphasis is on betrayal, violence, faithlessness, and covenant-breaking.

As Gretchen notes repeatedly in her teaching, the context of Malachi is not faithful spouses seeking protection. It is God rebuking men who are mistreating the wives of their youth. The passage is about treachery and covenant violation. That distinction matters.

For years, I have watched women sit in counseling offices convinced that God was more upset about the possibility of divorce than He was about the ongoing abuse occurring inside the marriage. Yet when I read Malachi, I see a God who is deeply concerned about how people are treating one another.

A God who notices betrayal.

A God who notices injustice.

A God who notices violence.

A God who notices covenant-breaking.

What About Jesus and Divorce?

Another area where Gretchen brings clarity is Jesus' teaching on divorce.

Many Christians have been taught that Jesus allowed divorce only for adultery and, therefore, all other situations require lifelong endurance. The discussion is often reduced to a single sentence: "Unless there is adultery, you must stay."

But Gretchen carefully examines the broader biblical context and reminds readers that Jesus was responding to a specific debate occurring among religious leaders of His day. The discussion was not whether abuse was acceptable. The discussion was whether men could discard their wives for trivial reasons. That context matters. Jesus was protecting vulnerable women from being casually discarded. He was not creating a loophole that would require women to remain in dangerous situations indefinitely. In fact, throughout Scripture, we see God consistently acting to protect the vulnerable rather than demanding they remain exposed to harm.

The Sarah McDugal Interview I Cannot Forget

As I read Gretchen's book, I found myself thinking about another interview we did on NeuroDiverse Couples Coaches’ Corner. Sarah McDugal shared her story of abuse, coercive control, and the heartbreaking responses she received from some spiritual authorities. One detail has stayed with me. Weapons were present in the home. She was threatened. Safety concerns were real. Promises were made. Not all the weapons were removed as requested. The safety plan was not fully followed.

Yet rather than focusing on accountability, honesty, and follow-through, Sarah was encouraged to be grateful for the effort and to forgive. I remember listening and thinking:

Why are we evaluating her response more than his behavior?

Why are we measuring her forgiveness instead of his trustworthiness?

Why are we focusing on her willingness to reconcile instead of his willingness to become safe?

That is the exact imbalance Gretchen addresses. Too often, churches have emphasized forgiveness, reconciliation, and submission while minimizing accountability, repentance, and safety. Forgiveness becomes urgent. Transformation becomes optional. The wounded person is expected to change immediately. The person causing harm is given endless opportunities without meaningful accountability. That is not biblical justice. And it is certainly not biblical love.

A Life-Saving Perspective

What I appreciate most about Life-Saving Divorce is that Gretchen refuses to frame the conversation as marriage versus divorce. Instead, she frames it as a covenant versus covenant-breaking.

Safety versus danger.

Truth versus denial.

Protection versus exploitation.

The book repeatedly challenges readers to consider whether preserving a marriage at all costs has become a higher value than protecting the people within that marriage. That question is uncomfortable. But it is one the Church desperately needs to wrestle with.

Because in thirty years of ministry, coaching, education, and walking alongside hurting people, I have never met a woman who dreamed of getting divorced. No woman I have ever met married with the thought of divorce in mind. No one’s happy ending usually has a divorce. I have met many women who desperately wanted their marriage to work. This is why most wives are the ones trying to get the husband into counseling or intensives or in front of a pastor for help! They want the abuse to stop so they can STAY married. I have met many women who prayed, forgave, reconciled, hoped, waited, and endured far longer than anyone knew. I have also met women who were told that pleasing God meant remaining in situations that were destroying them emotionally, spiritually, physically, or psychologically.

That is why books like Life-Saving Divorce matter. Not because they encourage divorce. But because they encourage truth. And truth is often where healing begins.

My Hope

My hope is that pastors, counselors, coaches, ministry leaders, and anyone working with marriages will read this book. Not because they will agree with every conclusion. But because it forces us to examine assumptions we may have inherited without questioning.

My hope is that we will stop using "God hates divorce" as a conversation-ending slogan.

My hope is that we will become better students of Scripture.

My hope is that we will become better protectors of the vulnerable.

If this topic resonates with you, I highly encourage you to read Life-Saving Divorce by Gretchen Baskerville. I also encourage you to listen to the conversation Barbara Grant and I had with Gretchen on ND Couples Coaches' Corner, as well as our interview with Sarah McDugal.

These conversations are not ultimately about divorce. They are about truth. They are about safety. They are about justice. And they are about helping the Church become a place that heals rather than harms. That is the purpose of this month of Weaponized Scripture and recommended books.

Our interviews with Gretchen Baskerville and Sarah McDugal on the ND Couples Coaches’ Corner on Apple Podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/neurodiverse-christian-couples/id1579715646