A Different Kind of Peace in the Storm

By Mary Gable (pseudonym), NT Wife

I began to feel a seasonal shift about six weeks ago. Several things transpired that both

broke me down and built me up anew. But it wasn’t until last week that the quiet

whispers of change became obvious.

It probably helps that our fifth marriage counselor recently chose to voice agreement

with other therapists who have noted my spouse is on the spectrum. Verified once

again, a deeper calm filled me.

But as my spouse and I discussed the news, I heard, “I don’t want our marriage

difficulties defined by me being on the spectrum”

After pondering his concern a few days, I tried a new approach, “Have you considered

that you being on the spectrum is only half of our neurodiverse issues? As a

neurotypical, I bring half of the confusion.”

Silence hung thick. I held my breath, hoping for a connection.

But instead of hearing me trying to own my half of the neurodiverse equation, my

spouse stated, “Well, I’m on the spectrum but I don’t have autism.”

“What does that even mean?” I pleaded, “What’s the difference?”

“Well, I think the Bible offers the best template for our issues,” he replied, doubling down

on his disapproval.

Our conversation disintegrated from there and after throwing one last verbal dart, I

walked away.

Disappointed at first, I took some deep breaths and set about my day. But when thirty

minutes had passed, or maybe an hour, I noticed something I’d never felt before after

an attempt at healing led to an argument—complete calm.

I didn’t feel small, disregarded, or shame. I felt whole. In fact, when he got home hours

later, I was able to interact as if nothing had happened. I wasn’t tense. Angry. Or caught

in the web of our unresolvable issues.

And that was just really big for me.

I used to carry internal stress for days, like hangnails in my soul. I used to feel bad, a

little ugly, and for sure less than those around. Not being able to get along with my

spouse left me confused, depressed, broken, and ashamed.

But God has grown me. And just this week, I felt a calm assurance instead of confusion.

I felt a wholeness rather a brokenness. I felt alive as me rather ashamed as a spouse.

It was pretty cool moment when the peace and assurance showed up in place of all the

other aforenamed post-argument emotions.

I went about my day, accomplishing what needed to be done. And for days now, I’ve

been able to do the same.

A year ago, I was in pieces. My spouse had made a financial choice, without my

involvement and it hurt for a very long time. But all that pain has brought me to a place I

value. Why did it take so long?

I don’t know. I don’t understand the ways of God.

But I trust our “suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and

character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been

poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us,” (Romans

5: 3 – 5 NIV).